067 - We Named the Dog Boyfriend

It's Christmastown

We experience LOVE AT FIRST GLANCE (2017) and forget about: The tango ... THEME ... Cuckolding nurse ... This movie's f'ing crazy ... 1.5 deaths ... Repeatedly traumatizing one boy ... Mount Igneous ... Canadian polygamy ... Dave makes it normal ... Pausing before the insanity ... Whiffs of The Mistletoe Promise ... Amy Smart Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Plot in 20 Minutes: Still in the quirky Hallmark era ... Jump to Conclusions Editor ... Exclusive: The Meaning of Love ... Dumped by Carl over deuce ravioli ... Art O. F. Fielding ... Obvious gay BFF dressed like a magician ... Hallmark greeting-card photographer ... Actual, legitimate journalism ... China in a dog shop ... Extra Hot Great reverie ... Beautiful exterior and real action shots ... The cuckolding nurse's Hallmark-card-text monologue ... "That is so tragic" ... Dinosaur Mountain's eruption slope ... Amnesia breakup ... Not Bucs QB Brad Johnson ... Now THAT'S a cuckolding nurse ... Richard Riehl's cookie monologue ... James and his dad have hogs ... Carl's breakup amnesia ... "Did you read my article on the meaning of love?" ... Gay BFF clothing shade ... Potential traffic fatality ... OOTS OOTS music ... Here's my childhood trauma valentine ... Beefcake ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: James/Adrian Grenier ... Eat Your Heart Out: Phantom ravioli for two; Spielberg's Tiramisu; frightened of sushi; back-alley pastries; "blintz? blintz?"; chalky valentine hearts ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Salt Lake Outpost vs. a Mistletoe Promise vibe vs. Reader Appeal ... Journalismism: A front-page article on the meaning of love and text from a term paper on child development ... Overdetermined: The entire second act, the messianic love of James ... Crossover: This Is Us riff; send them to Vietnam; hearing "How to Save a Life" in a hospital; Castle Rock, the series ... BREAK ... Partner Chat: "One of those guys who confuses mommies and girlfriends"; Ubers in Hallmark; Julia Roberts gag; foundation-slathered gay BFF cattiness; picking the one bad outfit of three; waiting for the craziness; Mistletoe Promise death callbacks ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Movie Rating: 3.5 ... Jello mold/mother's little helper chat ... The Leftovers: Fake Confucius quote ... Crown Media shout-out ... Lots of Successories ... Real texting tactics ... Adrian Grenier's classic tweet ... "Dogs are my life, dogs saved my life, James saved my life" ... Pictures in the Hall of Editors ... Mary CRUSHES this breakup ... Boyfriend ... Kathy Kloves' writing chops/choices ... Exorcist III: Legion ... Flippin' OJ Simpson ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "El Bimbo," by Bimbo Jet, from the Police Academy Soundtrack, composed by Robert Folk • "Blame, Etc.," by The Afghan Whigs • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne