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Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair. Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website http://www.dfpiii.com David Candy is approximately the other half of Cheerful Despair, learn nothing about him at ...
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Episode 25 - Beyond Stupid and Not Even A Little Bit Funny
1:08:23
1:08:23
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"I tried top [sic] watch [sic] this. It was beyond stupid and not even a little bit funny. Sounded like extreme left wing nonsense and trying to make it sound funny." This time on Cheerful Despair: Extreme left wing nonsense! Wow! Beyond stupid! Yay! Not even a little bit funny! Plus! Trying to make it sound funny!…
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Recorded in early 2019 and aged in an oak MacBook previously used to produce a fine Scottish audiobook. This episode has exquisite bouquets of: Time passes, possibly on the way to taking four consecutive rights and coming back to where it was The Apple Store that used to be a Wimpy "There was never 'the' terminator, it was always 'a' terminator" Th…
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Episode 23 - Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest
1:04:09
1:04:09
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Denied their sound engineer and recording studio by an extremely rude global pandemic, David F. Porteous and David Candy bring you the subtle flavours and rich aroma of Cheerful Despair from the state-mandated comfort of their own homes. Wow! This time on the UK's 37th best comedy podcast*: Neil Armstrong porks out! A touch of the gammons! David F.…
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Episode 22 - Shout Out To Atheist Monk
1:08:15
1:08:15
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Episode 21 - The Skeletal Remains of Jackie Bird
1:03:05
1:03:05
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Cheerful Despair take you on a journey across time and space to celebrate New Year 2018 from the comfort of August 2019. Wow! This time on Britain's 37th best comedy podcast*: The Brigadoon extended universe "Vaseline - For a Frictionless Kitchen" Tom Hanks in rhyming-slang biohorror shock Plus! Only five sixths of a cross quiz (sorry) But fifteen …
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I read once about a podcast that vanished without warning. When it suddenly reappeared, almost two years later, everything was fine. No-one had unsubscribed and everyone just kept listening as if nothing had happened. So, you know, maybe something to think about there. Anyway, this time on Cheerful Despair: How is anti-vax Hercules stored in David …
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David F. Porteous and David Candy (who like Star Wars) have been to the movies with sound engineer David Chisholm (who likes football and girls). Why not listen to the aftermath? Includes STAR WARS THEMED versions of regular features Cross Quiz and Debate Bag. Caution! From about 30 minutes in, and after ample verbal warnings, we do spoil some plot…
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S3E6 - Unbelievably, it's more otters
1:07:21
1:07:21
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"I don't know how they got into the air ducts, I just want them out. And don't let Jerry screw you around about how he warned us to put the fine mesh otterwire over the vents because otters are skinnier than they used to be. I don't care. I just want them gone." This week on Cheerful Despair: Lies about Leith - a place you've probably never been, a…
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"I don't care how many Shannon McNamara has, I am not spending five pounds on another fidget spinner! Why not listen to that stupid podcast instead?" This week: We offer our code-breaking services to GCHQ. Uh, you're welcome... Cheerful Despair remembers Lady Diana the way she would have wanted. With a quiz. Sir Isaac Newton commits various acts of…
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S3E4 - The one where the boys call for another world war
1:11:59
1:11:59
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There are only two things that come out of the Cheerful Despair Podcast Studios - steers and episodes of the Cheerful Despair Podcast - and this doesn't look like a steer. Whatever a steer is. In this episode: We plot to send people who are in one geographic location to another geographic location Glenns the vodka man; pushing boys into wells since…
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S3E3 - Midnight at the Racist Disco
1:07:41
1:07:41
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Benefiting from many local amenities, this bright and stylish 2-bedroom podcast features tasteful neutral decor and returns for its 15th episode. This week: David F Porteous will never get a massage in this town again! Join the Aryan Brotherhood of Edinburgh Taxi Drivers for a DVD marathon David Candy's toaster is too short We meet the extraordinar…
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S3E2 - 2010s Open Quotes Cheerful Despair End Quotes Podcast
1:08:21
1:08:21
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On this week’s action-packed instalment: Sign up! - For the Cheerful Despair Academy of Football Chow down! - On our secret recipe for beans on toast (The second ingredient will shock you!) Hook up! - With Edinburgh’s sleaziest billboard lion Blast off! - To a whole new world of cancer, chemical toilets and floating liver aboard the USS Summer Holi…
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S3E1 - Cheerful Despair beyond a, but not the, Thunderdome
1:09:30
1:09:30
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“Jean, when you’re over next weekend, can you ask Mark to look at my phone again? Yeah. It’s that thing with the skeletons. Yeah. It’s come back. Okay. Okay. Thanks love. See you on Saturday.” On this week’s episode: Can David F Porteous and David Candy save the world? Sir Barry Thunderdome wants you to share the rewards of the hit phenomenon that’…
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S2E6 - Take your unaccompanied singing back where you came from!
1:07:15
1:07:15
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Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this. It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine (Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last r…
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S2E5 - The Salmon-Flavoured Cat Food Themed Episode (But Not Really)
47:34
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Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again. This time: Have your sandwiches been Phil-ed? Wow! In a new segment, we meet John, an extraordinary individual. Also! David F. Porteous (who was educated by the state) …
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S2E4 - The Star Trek / Hate-Themed Episode
1:10:35
1:10:35
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Welcome to another episode of Cheerful Despair - the podcast about how Star Trek the Next Generation has too many damn nerds. (This is the sound of the internet eating itself). On this episode: An initial half hour about Star Trek, which you can easily skip Noel Edmunds magic box that cures cancer I loved David Candy, he smelled of mould Remember w…
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S2E3 - The Brexit Themed Episode (But Not Really)
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53:33
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As relentless as the passing of time and the approach of a referendum on the political destiny of this Moderately Good Britain - so arrives another episode of Cheerful Despair, featuring: The actual sound of regular segment Cross Quiz being written Dried Homeless food My favourite colour is anarchy The actual sound of regular segment Debate Bag bei…
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S2E2 - The Middle Eastern Themed Episode (But Not Really)
1:22:37
1:22:37
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With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it. Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus: The former artist currently known as Prince - better or worse than your m…
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S2E1 - The James Bond Themed Episode (But Not Really)
53:24
53:24
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Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast! In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear: Donald Trump's views on crimes committed by fiction…
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Few dared dream that when we began posting podcast episodes that one day we would have posted six and that would be the end of season one - but that event and that day have arrived. In the final episode of Cheerful Despair, prepare yourselves for: Everyone involved to become sad and frustrated with the whole process, to say nothing of their lives T…
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Welcome to the fifth and second to final episode of season one of the Cheerful Despair podcast. In this episode: An extended discussion on the bum hose; All the lyrics to Katy Perry songs we know; Do you remember the Crazy Frog? I remember the Crazy Frog. I remember the screams; One or more Draculas and a Frankenstein and a Herby Goes Bananas; I co…
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Welcome to the fourth episode of Cheerful Despair, subtitled "the episode I uploaded without re-listening to". In this episode: Things Various stuff Almost certainly some kind of reference to Hitler and / or time travel If you enjoy the show, then remember to rate us on those ratings sites they have now. Or just send money. Please begin trucking. D…
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The third episode Cheerful Despair has arrived, this one subtitled "There are just too many things for all of them to be things at once". In this episode of David Candy and David F Porteous's yet-to-be-award-winning podcast: The global conspiracy about vaccines Powering through with a mix of Nespresso and Cialis For every day that I grew a beard I …
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Welcome to the second episode, subtitled: "If Stephen Hawking could walk, he'd never have got a film made about him." In this episode: The syphilis of Adam Smith Governor wanted, must have own wig How am I going to build a proper commemoration plaque on my Hitler shrine if I don't know his birthday? The golden whores of London And remember, guys - …
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Season 1, Episode 1 - "I worry that something like this has the potential to turn me into a Hitler-like figure"
35:10
35:10
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In the inaugural episode of the Cheerful Despair podcast, David Candy and Scottish Author David F Porteous discuss: Why chickens taste of nothing That df never needs to p The evil plans of the World Dryer Corporation Featuring regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.
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