Hey, you know that kid from History class that never talks? His parents are out of town this weekend and he’s having a party! We should totally go and be thankful for the opportunity to party, get wasted, and then just lose our shit and ruin all his stuff to teach him a lesson. Sounds good? That’ll teach him to offer us a chance to be free! In this…

Oh, hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? As you may have read on the Lou Reads Facebook page I haven’t felt very inspired to record anything for a while. I started and stopped several episodes on drugs and one about some kind of porn-related thing but it all felt kind of done. Well, I finally found something that made me want to read out loud again…

According to Medical News Today, “As much as 45 percent of men believe they have a small penis.” Certainly, there are a lot of factors to this low self-opinion. While I’m not going to offer a solid argument on all the reasons I think it’s safe to say that pornography featuring an over-indexing of massive dongs and general societal theories about bi…

I don’t remember a lot from High School but what I do recall is mainly the dumb shit my friends and fellow classmates got into. Most of my stories from High School revolve around drinking too much and doing graffiti (separately). A kid did bring a gun to school but he was just showing off, not trying to kill everyone for some teen angsty reason. II…

Have you ever had this conversation? “Look, it’s my first time going to get a “massage” and I’m not sure how to make sure my “massage” ends in a “happy ending.” I mean, if it just ends in just getting my body relaxed with a real “massage” I guess that would be okay, too… but I’m really hoping to, you know… get a certain muscle worked on… you know? …

It wasn’t so long ago that DVD’s were the awesome collectables. Now, of course DVD’s are taking up space in your home because we all just stream everything. This month’s forum is all about people who hang out the AdultDVDTalk Forums. It’s a fairly active forum with threads that sometimes run for over a decade. What do they talk about there? Well, m…

WHYYY!!?!11 Everyone has problems with their friends and family. But sometimes it can be too complicated to actual confront them with these problems. Why? Well, maybe because if you did your friend might shoot you! Or maybe your family might also shoot you! Or, you know, maybe they’d just kind of think you’re a jerk or maybe, just maybe, they’d lis…

Well, something happened last time and the audio file disappeared from the post… ANYWAY, Craigslist is an anomaly on the internet. While some minor tweaking and tinkering has gone on, it remains basically the same ugly-but-useful website that was it was when it first appeared in 1995. Over the years someone, I don’t know who, has been selecting cer…

Greetings, friends and those interested in the more obscure parts of the internet. This months episode is a visit to the fabulously spam-destroyed pages of Artpit-Fetish.com. This site was once the home of a small number of folks that really liked armpits more than most people (if people think about armpits at all.) Now, sadly, the forums are almos…

Are you feeling the protrusion yet? Please enjoy this episode about milking your prostate. If you don’t know how to milk your prostate by the end of this episode then you just aren’t trying very hard… I miss Prince, too… amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit0";amzn_assoc_search_bar = "true";amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "loureads-post-20";

As a married man who hates breasts I could not get down with this forum. I mean, who likes breasts? Especially breasts full of milk that are being shared with lots of grown dudes and ladies looking for some kind of Adult Nursing Relationship? Oh right, the people who used to hang out at Spicy Talk Forums! Good night, sweet cowboy… Ok, I was lying. …

I think we can all agree that everyone loves that feeling when you go to try on some clothes and realize that we’ve gotten too fat to fit into then. I think “super proud, content and certain that we’re living our best life” is probably the best way to describe that universal feeling that we all get when all that cramming of massive amounts of high …

What happens to us when we die? What happens to us before we are born? Somehow the people at this forum know, with certainty, that everything is going to be alright. Especially after you die. This is truly amazing considering I can barely figure out what is happening to me right now, this very second! Why the fuck the stairs gotta be so long?! It’s…

Hey, I know that drug laws are lame and whatever, but what if I told you that you could get super high… legally! What if I told you that there was this drug that was pretty much like marijuana but was totally legal. What if I told you that you’ll have no idea what the Hell you’re smoking because the chemicals keep changing to stay ahead of the drug…

Hey, I know we just has sex and that I paid you for that sex because you’re an escort. But, I really feel that in this 10 minute encounter that we’ve bonded and I’d really like to see you again. And, also have sex with you again for money. But, maybe you’ll kind of be into me next time a little and give me a discount and eventually you’ll see that,…

What’s that now? You want me to share some of my darkest secrets with the internet? Well, gee… I mean, I’ve seen and done some terrible things in my life but I’m not sure I want to post them on THE INTERNET… Oh, you think I should make a throwaway account in order to freely share the darkest of the dark? Well… Okay! This is a direct reference to th…

You know that feeling you get when the world is telling you that you should take anti-psychotic medicine to deal with the invisible parasites you’re being plagued by? And you know the feeling you get when you tell the doctors you don’t want to take the medicine because it will just make the parasites sleepy but not actually kill them. And you know …

Have you considered marrying a man who you’ve only known through a pen pal connection? In this age of swiping right or left to instantly connect with someone, you can still find some people who are meeting people like it’s 1980 or something! Prison Talk is a forum for the loved ones of people who are somewhere within the prison system of the United…

I’m not doing myself any favors by reading from the forums of Solo Suck. I knew it would be tough to read and yet, I persisted. Just like Elizabeth Warren! Except instead of standing up to the GOP I stood up to my own stomach and challenged it with some seriously nauseating content. Yes, that is what you think it is from the episode. All rights res…

Hey can you help me with the clasp on this thing? I was so easy to undo when it was on a lady. Seriously, I was a one-hand, no-look, two-finger bra-undo-er. But now that it’s on my body I’m having a hell of a time getting this bra off! Luckily the fellas over at Men Wear Bras is a community of happy to help men who, do in fact, wear bras. Hey, hone…

Here it is! The not so long, but still long awaited part two & conclusion to the harrowing novel The Human Santapede!.” I hope you enjoy finishing off this particularly silly bit of reading. I must admit that although a lot of the book was really dumb & trite, by the end I found myself not hating it as much I had been originally. Part of that may h…

Hey there! I was just thinking about you! Oh, I was just thinking that you should come over, have a couple of drinks and then, I don’t know, take off your clothes and wrestle me to see who gives who a blowjob. You know, just normal guy stuff. Where’d I learn about this? Oh, MeetFighters.com of course! It’s a great place to go and talk about how hor…

Happy holidays! It’s taken forever but just two days ago I did a stream of myself reading from The Human Santapede on Twitch. I made it all the way to chapter 16 before I tapped out. So please enjoy this stupid reading I did! I just finished recording the second half of the book tonight so look for that in 2018! Just a warning, this is very long! I…

Hey everyone, sorry this episode took so long. I’ve been too busy plugging all these Chinese research chems day & night to record. And while I am high as a kite these drugs appear to have removed my ability to read & write (I’m dictating this and hoping it’s carrot cake, rivets!). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this episode from the Trip Report forum of …

Oh boy, did I see someone with a case today! She was walking down the street and I could see her hiccuping and grabbing at her throat. It was so hot! Then I realized she was actually choking on some food that went down the wrong pipe. That was kind of disappointing so I just think about the part where I didn’t know she was struggling to breath to g…

Hey guys, I know this is weird but when I come across weird websites on the internet I have this compulsion to share them with strangers in podcast form… Is it normal to do that? No? Oh well… No funny caption. Just be yourself as long as you aren’t hurting other people you moron. This month’s episode is all about asking the Internet to validate you…

So… I just wanted you to know that when we broke up I kind of went a little crazy. I was pretty upset and I decided that since we’re soulmates and fated to be together I would speed up our eventual reconciliation by paying real money for a love spell to bring you back to me. I also paid for spell to make your new relationships not work. See, by mak…

Fetlife, short for “Fetish Life” (I’m assuming), is an online forum for kinksters of all varieties. If you’re vanilla (aka a normal sex person) then you probably don’t want to go there. However, if you’re into something… unusual… or just plain fucked up sexual weirdness, this is place for you! That firecracker really did a number on your pussy! Goo…

So, here we are once again. Why do I keep coming back to the world of Men’s Rights & Pick Up Artists? Is it because their worldview, which they seem to insist is right by sheer will, is so incredibly negative and yet self-assured that it boggles the mind. I’m sure these guys would see me as a blue-pill, cuck-dupe and by their definitions they’d be …

Hey guys & gals. I’m ashamed to ask you about this but… if I put my pee pee in a girls woo woo, can she get hypnotized by my sperms? She can? Wow, thanks internet. You saved me some grief! Me-sa-vagina going to drain you-sa ball balls so good, yes? So this months episode is a trip into the forums of sexinfo101.com. It’s the typical kind of place wh…

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Podcast Episode 161 with service from your listening device to your ears. We are currently third in line for take-off and are expected to be in your ears for approximately 39 minutes. We ask that you please fasten your seatbelts at this time and secure all personal baggage underneath your seat or in your head c…

Oh man, I can feel it. It’s almost there! Just a few more squeezes and I’ll get my reward. A reward of oil, dirt & bacteria. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll get some pus! Maybe some of those nice blackhead rods that come out on a Biore strip. I just wish I all this blood would stop getting in the way of the squeezing! SQUEEEEEEEZE!!! This month’s episode…

Hewoe. I’m a witty, bitty baby. Won’t you put a bwutt pwug in my bum bum? Fank-oo berry much. Me wuv oo… Hey Dad, where are the keys to the… Oh… I see you’re busy… I’ll.. uhh. ask mom… Hey Mom, Dad is doing he weird baby shit. Do you know where the keys to the… Oh…Ah… I see you’re busy, too… I’ll.. go buy heroin and kill myself… Ok… So… Adult babie…

This podcast is an obvious tool of the MSM (mainstream media) to help perpetrate a fraud on the people of the Earth. I mean, you can hear that the “human” who is reading these posts is clearly either an A.I. approximation of a human designed to trick normals or an MK-Ultra brainwashed dupe. I feel sorry for the sheeple who listen to this and come o…

Prostitutes, who doesn’t love them? I mean, who doesn’t love them as long as they give a full & real Girlfriend Experience and don’t try to rip me off and look at me while we’re fucking! How am I supposed to fool myself into thinking you are enjoying this if you won’t look at me? LOOK AT MEEEEE!!! Nothing sadder than a hooker looking for a handout.…

DRUGS! WHOO! LET US CONSUME THEM IN MANY DIFFERENT MANNERS! This time around I’m reading from the forums of Drugs and Users. This is a forum that rose from the ashes of the Opiophile forum. You may recall I did a couple of readings from that site before it closed. If this is your idea of a light snack then you may want to hang out at Drugs and User…

What up, my fellow CAC‘s? Listen, I don’t care if you get down with the local thots or you on that PAWG tip. All I care is that you listening to this episode of Lou Reads the Internet for YOU! This episode is all about a forum known as The Coli. The Coli is a forum dedicated to Sports, Hip Hop & PIFF. Among the other things they talk about are how …

Thank the bearded skyman that I haven’t had to deal with the humiliations of the online dating scene. Knowing how terrible I was at dating in general as a young adult it withers the soul to think of putting myself through that now. Luckily for me these fine people are online dating and talking about their trials & tribulations. Now, these aren’t st…

What up, fam? WHOOP WHOOP! I got mad love my for ninjas! Or rather that is what I might say if I were a Juggalo. I am not but the people at the forums of FaygoLuvers.net most certainly are. Join me as I read a bunch of random threads of Juggalos and Juggalettes sharing their opinions on a myriad bunch of topics and marvel as how often they get poli…

I remember when I was a growing up as a kid there were two distinct periods when alien encounters & alien abduction were all the rage. There were shows in the 70’s like “Project Blue Book” and the classic “Alien Autopsy” film that was all the rage in the 90’s. My whole life I was into shows like The X Files & My favorite Martian or even the classic…

What’s the matter? You look like you came down with a case of fin rot! Come on you can share your feelings with me. Catfish got your tongue? Ok, well you don’t have to tell me what your deal is but if you feel like talking about it I recommend checking out the forums of The MerNetwork. This photo didn’t even come close to making me reconsider anyth…

Ok, I admit I meant to push you off that cliff but I really didn’t mean for you to get THAT hurt. I guess in hindsight it should have been more obvious that a 300 foot drop may have resulted in multiple contusions. Again, my bad. But look at it this way. In 30 years, if you pull through, we are going to laugh & laugh. You might even get a fun nickn…

Look, we’re all a little racist, right? We all dabble in little stereotypes we think are based in reality. You know, like all Puerto Ricans are carrying at least 2 knives at all times or black people don’t tip or that filipino people’s livers can be used to cure AIDS. I’m sure we’ve all said that last one. But, I’m sure we can all agree that really…

Hey, it happens to everyone, right? You get in the shower, you realize you need to poop. Now you have a choice, get out and have a weird wet poop on the toilet or just have a sensical dump right there in the shower. Oh… that doesn’t happen to everyone? Uh… yeah.. me neither. I’m glad this sign exists or I would be shitting in the shower every morni…

Oh my God, dude. Last week I was so wrecked. Dude, you would not believe it. I took so many drugs! How many? Like this many! I took 5 reds, 3 blues, a hit of tan and smoked a banana peel. What is the deal with 1p-LSD? Anyway, I always enjoy reading the stories of peoples silly (scary) adventures in altered states. Most of these are not THAT bad but…

Hey guys, so I was at the club last night and there was this A.D.D Girl there who I was pretty sure was DTF. So I initiated EC and eventually got #close. I’m feeling pretty good about the possibility to turn this into a FClose by the end of the week. If you understood any of that then you’re probably a pick-up artist. Congrats! If not well I hope y…

Hey, I know this is weird, but I have a confession to make. Sometimes I go on the internet and write anonymous confessions about super mundane things I do in my life that no one cares about. Like, how I took out the trash today and then thought about how we’re ruining this planet with our trash. What’s that you say? You kind of do the same thing? O…

Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step back into the store. Would you mind taking off your jacket? Sir, I don’t care if it was a gift from your mother. I’m more concerned with the 10 pairs of FUBU hoodies you’ve concealed in your shirt. Oh, I suppose someone else jammed them in there. Great. I know what will help me forget my shoplifting convict…

Are you looking to get ripped? Need shed some pounds? Do you need a safe place to talk about why if homosexuality is ok then incest should be okay, too? Well you might benefit from reading the forums at bodybuilding.com. Not only is Bodybuilding.com a great place to learn about your physical wellbeing, it’s a safe haven for some of the dumbest disc…

I really don’t want to share any images related to this episode. But God is infallible! Circumcision is a controversial topic. For me it’s a Star-Bellied Sneeches thing. “They have extra skin on thars!” If you didn’t know about foreskin would you miss it? Well, these guys would and they do. On the other hand the reasons for circumcision are really …