The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
6:17
6:17
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6:17
I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…
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‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
6:02
6:02
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6:02
Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
6:23
6:23
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6:23
Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more in…
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‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
5:43
5:43
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5:43
I tell Honor that I’m proud of her. I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…
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Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
5:54
5:54
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5:54
I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for m…
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‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
5:52
5:52
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5:52
I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later. “Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
5:45
5:45
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5:45
Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair. I’m like, “Why would you even think that?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
6:15
6:15
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6:15
I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day. She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
6:15
6:15
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6:15
Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for? She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
6:15
6:15
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6:15
“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it." irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'
5:52
5:52
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5:52
So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’
7:21
7:21
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7:21
Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’
6:51
6:51
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6:51
So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'
6:20
6:20
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6:20
Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
6:35
6:35
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6:35
Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’
6:36
6:36
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6:36
Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t
6:27
6:27
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6:27
It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
7:08
7:08
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7:08
Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’
7:07
7:07
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7:07
We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’
6:38
6:38
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6:38
We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’
5:33
5:33
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5:33
“If we do this,” she goes, “my husband can’t find out about it. Under any circumstances?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?
6:18
6:18
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6:18
Or is Sorcha standing at the end of the bed, wearing the Tory Burch tennis whites she bought last summer to watch Wimbledon? She’s like, “Are you ready?” “Ready?” I go. “In terms of?” Read Ross O'Carroll-Kelly at irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…
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Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional
6:15
6:15
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6:15
It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’
6:33
6:33
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6:33
“Sur! Prise!” we all go. But the old man – standing at the bottom of the stairs in Shanahan’s on the Green – barely raises a smile. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’
6:00
6:00
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6:00
I’m there, “I have a bad feeling about this.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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