Janet's "no" on Steve's shotgun marriage proposal apparently was not the last word on the matter. The guys (minus Matt) rally around Steve to try to workshop a proposal Janet will accept, while the ladies (minus Gina) urge Janet to change her mind. In the process, though, Matt reveals that he is kind of dubious about the whole institution these ...…

Since Now Wear This has been closed ever since that homicide Kelly inconsiderately committed in it, the time has come for a big, splashy grand reopening -- which, due to reasons we never learn, Donna and Kelly have not decided to peg to the launch of Donna's menswear line. But never mind: "the buyers" from "New York" are coming four days early, ...…

Steve has noticed that Janet's busting out of her bodices while also spending less time with him, and jumps to the conclusion that she's acquired some breast implants in anticipation of dumping his ass. Eventually she gets sufficiently annoyed with his hostility to admit that she's pregnant...whereupon Steve disappoints both Kelly's expectation ...…

Time for the payoff of the Season 9 finale cliffhanger: yes, some of the bullets Kelly shot actually ended up in Joe, and he is dead. Everyone springs into action: Matt starts defending Kelly against possible homicide charges; Dylan starts getting defensive, somehow, about his choice to give Kelly an unlicensed, unregistered firearm that went o ...…

Kelly continues pushing down her anger and fear following her sexual assault, though it apparently helps her cope to keep the gun Dylan gave her in her purse. (And let's face it: if a mishap took out a Peach Pit After Dark patron, would it really be the worst thing?) At least Dylan and Matt are managing not to hold their pissing contests about ...…

A remarkable photo in the Beat draws the attention of the Chronicle's art critic. And since Steve is the photographer in question, he leans into his new status as an artist to impress Janet, ending up with more grass in his teeth than good shots on his film. Donna continues dithering between her lingering feelings of love (or obligation, depend ...…

As the Beverly Beat's mandate strays further and further from journalism, it seems Steve has stumbled upon a lucrative revenue stream: The Love Fisher, a computer program that matches singles with ruthless efficiency. First Janet gets curious about how much better the Love Fisher is at picking dudes for her than she is at picking them for herse ...…

It's April 1999, so Steve has finally gotten around to knowing what the Y2K bug and spectacularly overreacting with his doomsday prepping. Is this a healthy response to a possible technological meltdown or, as Janet suspects, a pretext for putting off planning for their future together? Recovering sex addict Katie decides she wants to take her ...…

One of the most convoluted plotlines of the season encompasses the following: a legitimate chance encounter between Dylan and Kelly; the idiotic decision by Kelly, on the phone with Matt when Dylan rolls up, not just to say, "Oh hey, I just ran into Dylan!" and instead to say she's on her way to run errands; a tweaker trying to rob a pregnant w ...…

A routine visit to her parents' house leaves Donna on the receiving end of a shocking announcement that, now that she's firmly in her mid-twenties, they feel certain she is strong enough to hear: they're getting a divorce. Like the rest of us, Donna is pretty sure it's Felice's fault, since she's been a nasty rag the entire time we've known her ...…

Last time, Noah's inability to fill the club was pushing him toward financial ruination, but now everything's fine, and he and Dylan are working together amicably to promote an upcoming show by fictional artist Cole Younger with a raffle to win a date with him -- in his hotel room, creepily? Anyway, Dylan's first act as manager of the Peach Pit ...…

Since Kelly's extremely awkward relationship with Matt isn't taking up much of her time, she can seek fulfillment in other areas of her life -- like the store! Suddenly remembering that she's supposed to be in charge of business affairs, she gets the idea of hiring a publicist. Donna gets upset at the idea, nervous that taking any steps to push ...…

Gina having learned that Felice is legally responsible for the theft of all her trust fund money, she takes the completely reasonable next step of pursuing legal action to recover the lost principal -- and Donna, who absolutely thought Gina should sue her trustee back when she thought the trustee was her bank, now takes it personally. (Present ...…

The Durnings having decided they'd prefer Lauren to be schizophrenia symptom-free in the short term than alive in the long term, they're going to ill-conceived lengths to try to track down clozapine without a prescription. Kelly, veteran of the Clinic Clinic, thinks she can help solve their problem with an illicit trip south of the border, and ...…

You may thing that "Beheading St. Valentine" will save you from any further angst in your relationship. Not in the zip! All the established couples start out cozy with a brunch at the Walsh house at which the reunited Durnings are holding forth about their marriage -- until Kelly shows up with a sleeping bag for Steve and makes everyone feel aw ...…

Steve's latest brilliant idea for the Beverly Beat is less about attracting readers and more about attracting gawkers, with "attracting" being the operative word: he wants to copy British tabloids by having cheesecake photos on Page 3 -- though at least he's not prepared for the Beat's models to be topless; bikinis will be just fine! To prepare ...…

A scandalous round of strip poker touches off a prank war among three of the gang's least clever members: Noah, Steve, and Donna. (David also gets swept up in it, briefly, but only incidentally; mainly, he's occupied chasing after a D-girl Peach Pit patron who may be trying to blow him off.) When the battle takes down a health inspector, Donna ...…

Having -- through sheer luck -- not killed Donna, Dylan decides he is ready to accept his friends' help in getting help for his heroin addiction. Unfortunately, he's not actually on Intervention and has to spend a night waiting for his bed in a treatment facility to be ready, which gives him just enough time to wake up in the middle of the nigh ...…

Dylan's junkie logic leads him to decide his roommate's order that he get his illegally purchased gun out of the home they share just means he can wait until dark, put it in his pants, drive it over to the Marchette manse, and threaten its occupant. Unfortunately, Tony doesn't live there anymore -- nor, spoiler, does he live anywhere -- and the ...…

We may not have previously understood how committed Gina is to the project of messing with Donna until this episode, in which she reinvents herself as a personal trainer and starts working out with...Felice. She easily parlays their new intimacy into an invitation to a George luncheon hosted by a not-yet-dead (but still completely offscreen) Jo ...…

The approaching yuletide holidays haven't given Dylan any more concern for either her busy schedule as the co-proprietress of a retail clothing store, nor for her relationship with a dude who isn't him. So with that in mind, of course he has no compunction about getting her on a private plane and flying her to Mexico for huevos rancheros, authe ...…

Kelly spent all of "I'm Back Because" -- well, all except when she was making eyes at Dylan -- getting between her mother and her grandfather, to make sure her grandfather's legally documented wishes with regard to the end of his life were being followed. So naturally, in this episode, all Jackie has to do is call and ask Kelly to put her faili ...…

Since Gina doesn't have a job -- or an agent, even, despite what she's told Donna -- she's got nothing but time to devote to the new project she's pursuing post-Cabaret On Ice: Donna And Noah On The Rocks. When she's alone with Donna, she diligently shit-talks Noah (not that hard, given his many failings) to try to change Donna's mind about mak ...…

With Noah continuing his downward spiral of regret and self-recrimination following his father's suicide, it turns out not to have been a great idea for him to buy a bar: he's drinking a lot, and driving drunk, and maybe hitting someone? Donna's distracted from her usual fussing by the arrival of her cousin Gina -- former Olympic figure skater, ...…

It's time for Leah to have her day in court, and a custody settlement allowing Lenny basically unfettered access to their baby -- and, therefore, to Leah herself -- is obviously not the result she had hoped for. Enter Kelly, who's ready and willing to help Leah get out of the county on an assumed identity. Unfortunately for Leah, Kelly has no i ...…

Sophie's multifarious strategy to take over the entertainment industry leads her to consider working in adult films, despite all the great advice David's giving her about being patient and waiting her turn and paying her dues -- you know, like he did, which is why he's currently having such a successful career scoring movies LOL. Noah continues ...…

We kind of respected Sophie for having some skill as a con artist, but she really loses a lot of her prestige with her latest scheme: getting Steve to let her write for the Beat. Over Janet's objections (which: that'll teach her not to require that Brandon designate her editor when he's out of town/on his way out the show's door), Steve not onl ...…

Noah's father having killed himself, a significant portion of the episode is focused on Noah's grief. This is bad news for Vincent Young, who can't act, and worse news for us, who have to watch him as he gets morbidly obsessed with his late father's weapon, drinks to excess, and pushes away the help of the only person who cares about him. (The ...…

What's worse than surviving childhood sexual abuse from a parent who goes on to kill himself? When the primetime soap you're on is running out of ideas in its ninth season and makes you keep reliving it over and over and over again. Now, Val wants to tell Abby about the last days of Mr. Malone's life, but her attempts to get Abby alone for this ...…

Brandon and Kelly mutually and amicably agreed to leave one another at the altar, and you know what that means. ...Oh, you do? Please tell them, because they're not sure. Kelly decides to invest a round of ex sex with meaning: she forgets all the reasons she and Brandon broke up, gets maudlin and regretful, and suggests to Brandon that they go ...…

It's the week of Brandon and Kelly's wedding, and preparations are underway: Steve is getting excited for Sarah to meet all his friends at the reception, but she might not be ready to keep seeing him because some other friend of hers is breaking up with her boyfriend and splitting up all their books and furniture seems like a big hassle, or som ...…

Since Kelly and Brandon have decided they really are definitely going through with their engagement and will absolutely get married, for sure, they've divided up the list of tasks required to plan their wedding. However, questions about the guest list and wedding registry are interspersed with their interactions with Alex, who meets Kelly when ...…

It's been a while since the show gave David something he could really be stressed out, so: time for him to get robbed at (possible) gunpoint while taking money out at an ATM. Noah's got the perfect solution: he should get a gun, like Noah did: he's got one behind the bar and one on his stupid boat! David starts the process, but he has to wait e ...…

Kelly's notions of feminism have, over the years, perplexed us in their inconsistency; "Skin Deep" compresses all her worst instincts and muddiest thinking in a single episode. Brandon has decided to write about the grand opening (heh) of Beverly Hills's first sex shop, which has already attracted protesters even before its manager has opened t ...…

It's been five years since the gang graduated from West Beverly High, and since someone at the network presumably had the sense to predict that this crew wasn't going to make it to their ten-year reunion, we're made to suffer through their stupid, pointless five-year reunion. No, that doesn't mean we get appearances from Brenda, Dylan, or DeadS ...…

Somehow, a real journalist (named Peter Raitt) has become aware of Brandon's work in the Beverly Beat, and somehow, it's convinced him to partner with Brandon on a story about a proposed football stadium. Brandon is so busy sucking up, he doesn't notice that Kelly is in the midst of a crisis regarding Chris, an intellectually disabled man who w ...…

We all know that Brandon considers his job at the Beverly Beat a waste of his prodigious talents -- so much so that even after publicly reaffirming his commitment to it in the last episode, he's already prepared to edit the Beat on the side while joining the Los Angeles Chronicle as a reporter on the Metro desk. Somehow, despite being a journal ...…

So Kelly was all about getting that confused teen mother, Leanne, to take back the baby she abandoned at the clinic. But when that teen mother, Leanne, let Kelly know that, actually, leaving the baby was the right call, Kelly decided that, actually, Kelly should foster the baby...which is why, when Pam tells her that, actually, her agency has f ...…

Brandon already took a giant dump all over journalistic ethics the last time the Beverly Beatchronicled David's music career, but that was when it was on the rise: perhaps Brandon's now trying to balance the scales by exploring the fallout from David's decision to pursue Jasper's Law's record deal minus...you know, Jasper. It seems as though Ja ...…

In show time, Noah raped Valerie less than a week ago, so of course, now they're in court as Val pursues her civil case against him. Val's lawyer is confident that the facts make Noah a poor defendant -- the poor little rich boy who got drunk and had sex with a woman who wasn't his girlfriend (anymore) -- but Noah's lawyer knows some things abo ...…

When Val makes a charge of rape against Noah, how do her friends react? Well, inasmuch as they are generally terrible friends to her, they're pretty much all awful. Kelly is sure Val's only in it for the payday. Steve ties the incident back to her fake-pregnancy extortion scheme. Brandon's not sure what to think, but believing a woman isn't exa ...…

It's Valentine's Day, and you know what that means: romance-related STUFF! Everyone wants to throw their single friends at Steve and Brandon! In fact, Steve ends up with too many bebs! Brandon's not interested, though, because he's still hung up on Kelly, despite the fact that things are progressing between her and Dr. Jeff -- progressing right ...…

As if there weren't already enough reasons to be appalled by both the American health care system and the American carceral state: "Crimes And Misdemeanors" introduces us to Andrew, a recently released convict (as a teenager, he killed his mother's abusive boyfriend, only for her to testify against him) who can only be treated at the Clinic Cli ...…

The premise of our latest A-plot seems to be that Kelly, Brandon, and Steve are having trouble getting through their current romantic woes because they just can't get any perspective on them. Never-before-seen characters to the rescue! At the clinic, Jeff -- and, for some reason, Kelly -- treat Ellen, a teenager who's gotten chlamydia whilst ch ...…

The spirit of the Minis will live on in the main episodes but, alas, will no longer be released as individual episodes. Here are the last two Minis followed by an archive of all past Mini episodes.By Brother Of Menelaus Inc..

Kelly having FINALLY been forced to confront the extremely obvious truth about Brandon and Emma's "affair" and dumped him hard, the parting of Mr. and Mrs. The Gang has ripple effects on their friends (and poor Janet, who probably thought she'd accepted a job at a professional workplace where people keep their personal shit at home instead of s ...…

After Emma lets it be known that she has tape-recorded evidence implicating Brandon in...her pants, Brandon finds himself in a quandary about how to proceed. Will he follow his own counsel and confess everything to Kelly in a sincere and searching WordPerfect doc? Will he heed Steve's advice not to say anything? Will he fail to correct Kelly's ...…

After the Christmas party massacre, Kelly continues dealing with Dr. Monahan's retaliation against her -- which is lucky for Brandon, because now that he's finally had sex with Emma, she's decided it's her turn to get up his ass, constantly dropping obvious references to their illicit coitus which Brandon makes all the more obvious by tensing u ...…

Marvel at the fidelity of Brandon Walsh: it's taken him two and a half episodes of flirting with Emma to lower his defenses...and pants: yes, Emma finally succeeds in seducing Brandon -- although, really, is "succeed" the right word here? Brandon is consumed with guilt, but Kelly still has no idea, perhaps because Kelly's still dealing with Dr. ...…

Kelly has so much going on, you guys! She's still 50% of the workforce at the Clinic Clinic, still fending off advances and innuendoes from Dr. Creep -- and now, on top of all that, she's also coming out of retirement to model for Donna! She's just so busy that she doesn't notice how much Brandon and Emma are flirting with each other, and how l ...…