A Woman's View of Romance (Part Two)

Creating a More Romantic Marriage

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript

References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.

Creating A More Romantic Marriage

Day 3 off 8

Guest: Barbara Rainey

From the Series: A Woman's View of Romance

________________________________________________________________

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today with your host, the executive director of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey. I'm Bob Lepine. Today on the broadcast Barbara Rainey joins us to talk about what happens when a man loves a woman. Stay with us for FamilyLife Today.

(Music: "When A Man Loves A Woman")

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us on the broadcast, and if you were not here with us yesterday, you're in big trouble is what you are – if you're a man, particularly.

Dennis: That's right.

Bob: I took notes on yesterday's broadcast, and I've got my pencil ready today, because we're learning how a woman views romance.

Dennis: We're learning how a woman thinks.

Bob: That's right. And women think differently – that's not wrong – they think differently than men, don't they?

Dennis: They do, and, well, we've got someone in the studio who is definitely a woman. She is a great woman, she is my wife, and it's really fun to have Barbara back with us on the broadcast again today.

Bob: Yeah, Barbara, welcome back to the broadcast.

Barbara: Thanks, glad to be here.

Bob: You know, yesterday – and I've been thinkin' about this all night. I went home and just kinda mulled on this. It's a little frustrating to know that once I have an idea of how my wife views romance, she's going to change the rules on me – that was one of the lessons from yesterday's broadcast ­– and to be aware that romance is going to get progressively harder as we continue in marriage. It was easy in courtship, but it gets progressively harder as we're married. Is that right?

Dennis: Absolutely.

Bob: Well, that's lousy.

Dennis: Well, you think about – what's God up to here? He is trying to rid us of selfishness and, if we could, we would kick it in neutral and just coast all the way in to year 50 of the marriage – we wouldn't have to work at it. It would just be like jumpin' off the edge of a cliff. We would romantically fall into each other's arms and hopelessly under the control of romance, like gravity, and not have to really work at knowing and loving and caring for and meeting the needs of the other person. And I think that's why God created marriage – He created it to be redemptive. He wants me to give up my life for my wife.

Barbara: Exactly.

Dennis: And that's why romance becomes really elusive in a marriage where a man is threatening to leave or a man is sending all kinds of signals that he's not committed, and he's putting fear in the marriage, not casting it out. 1 John, chapter 4, talks about "perfect love casting out all fear," and that's a man's assignment, and a lot of men want their wives to fall in a puddle at their feet and romantic love in a swoon, but they're not willing to give up their hobbies, their interests, their selfish desires for their wives. Now, how do I know that? Because I'm a man, and because I've done that.

Barbara: See, when I was thinkin', when you talked about it being redemptive, I was thinking that as you were saying that, and that, ultimately, is what is going to draw a wife to her husband, because when she sees him loving her unconditionally, seeking to understand her and know her and be involved in her life and help her and all of those things, then she is going to respond to him, and as she sees him giving up himself and denying himself and getting rid of his bad habits or putting away his hobbies or whatever for her, those kinds of things are redemptive, and so I think that, in the long haul of things, as we see marriage as being a redemptive relationship, that is the hope of responding to one another. That is the hope of having romance – is growing together in Christ, denying yourselves for each other, and especially for a husband as the head of the home and the head of his wife, as he will deny himself for her, as he will love her, as he will sacrifice for her, if he will seek to understand her – why she is the way she is and accept her for that and not condemn her for it and not seek to understand her so he can get her to change so he can be happy with her, but all in pursuit of loving her, then she will respond to that ultimately. Again, it has to be for the purpose, though, that God intended, and that is to love her as Christ loved the church.

Dennis: With no response in return.

Barbara: That's right – with no strings attached. In other words, he can't say, "I'm going to do this, and then she's going to respond, and then I'll get what I want," because that defeats the purpose of sacrificial love, because then it's not self-sacrificing.

Dennis: And that's the difficulty for a man, because a man usually sets goals, and he is after something, and with romance it may be the sexual dimension of the marriage relationship that he is in pursuit of his wife on, and that's why, as you approach this subject of romance and learning how to speak it as a man to your wife, you've got to understand that you deny your agenda and let the goal be solely that she would feel love; that she would know she is valued, cared for, and cherished, and that she is seeing you nourish her, just as Ephesians 5 talks about.

Bob: But here's the rub in that – because a man is thinking to himself – "The way I'll know that, the way I'll know that she's been loved is she'll respond."

Dennis: Right.

Bob: So if she's not responding, then the message is –

Dennis: "I haven't done a good job loving her."

Bob: I haven't done a good job –

Dennis: &n...