Crude Summer Episode 8: My Horny Toaster / September 11th Terrorist Role Playing

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By Tim Henson. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

Distorted View Daily - An adult comedy podcast featuring the weirdest stuff around the Internet. WTF and cringe audio, weird news stories, and NSFW comedy. A Podcast for freaks.

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Welcome To Distorted View’s Crude Summer!

Each week we will take a dip into DV’s pool of disgusting, poorly written, and just weird erotic fan fiction/ sex stories that have been featured over the past 15 years of the podcast. I originally read these stories to you during a segment called Sextastic Tuesday, which aired just about every week (on Tuesday’s, naturally) and creeped out a generation of freaks. Every weekend this summer we will relive some of these abominations.

This week: Toasters gone wild! 9/11 Erotica. It’s going to be a wild ride this weekend, freaks. BE A PART OF THIS STUPIDITY:

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Hastily AI’ed Transcription Of Today’s Show:

Erotica has been getting more and more absurd over the years good stories like my velociraptor oncologist fuck the cancer out of me and my butt hole Stargate warped my boyfriend’s penis to the Delta Quadrant. So today’s screwed summer features a equally dumb premise. Oh hornik toaster is going to get laid. And then if we have time, and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure we don’t have enough time for this second story. The anniversary of 911 is coming up. Oh god. Yeah, at some point, we did a 911 sex story, and I hope we don’t have to hear it again. Today’s episode of crude summer is brought to you by Adamandeve.com the number one adult toy superstore with a little something for everyone. Look guys, this is a judgment free zone. And I know some of you are into some pretty weird shit. Don’t worry Adam and Eve has you covered. For instance, let’s say you’re straight, but you like the feeling of a little penetration or a lot of penetration and not just penetration but you like the feeling of stuff gushing into your asshole, but you’re not gay. You love ladies, you love the pussy. You just want your prostate stimulated and maybe power washed. I don’t know. What did I say just a few seconds ago Adam and Eve had you covered with the natural real skin squirting penis with harness because sometimes you just want to get thrust the squirt crazy and why not so grab some lovin and get your natural real skin squirting Venus all slick and slippery for hot rod staying with a real happy ending, squirt. When you squeeze the balls. For those times. You’re just craving some love lava. Now maybe you don’t want to get slammed in the butt and that’s okay, I guess. Adam and Eve has thousands of products from Maybe you want a bigger penis. They’ve got penis pumps. They’ve got pills. I don’t know what the pills do but they’ve got pills or ointments or something necessities like condoms and lube stuff for women stuff for guys if it’s sexual in nature Adam and Eve has you covered they have an amazing deal for you pick out any one item, use promo code freak at checkout that’s fr e AK get half off that item plus a special gift for him and a special gift for her. And a third item you both get enjoy. On top of it all six free adult movies and free shipping on your entire order. Just remember to use coupon code freak FREAK at checkout at AdamAndEve.Com Crude Summer My toaster went crazy one Sunday morning. Now I swear to God when we started reading those really weird sex stories like my dinosaur fucked me, you know like bang by a billionaire try Sarah top. You know those stories. I came up with my own idea for a story. It was a cover to one of these books and it was after we read like, you know, I fucked Clippy, you know, the Microsoft Office mascot little paperclip. I’d like anything can be turned into a sex story. So I came up with one sexy picnic with my gay toaster. Nothing wrong with having a sexy picnic with your homosexual appliance. I mean, how is that any more ridiculous than Clippy fucking you? And now it appears that some either the person who wrote this story is a distorted view listener or we share some twisted ideas of erotica. So the story was written by Nick By the way over there little radhika.com All right, my toaster went crazy. One Sunday morning I was sitting at the breakfast table at my bachelor’s apartment, drinking a cup of caffeinated orange juice and eating a bowl of plankton flakes. Delicious. It was around 10am and I was just trying to relax reading the newspaper. According to the front page, the colony on Mars had discovered intelligent crustaceans, who tasted like chicken and lobster rolled into one, the Mars colony This must take place in the future, or like in the Total Recall world. Alright, the Mars colonists promptly went on strike, they refuse to mind the planet any further until Earth ship the massive quantities of garlic butter, power to the people I snorted in disgust and flip to the crosswords. I was trying to think of an eight letter word for typical when something under the table brushed against my foot. peering down, I saw my toaster, it It had been a birthday gift from my mother, a pink box with blue eyes, six stumpy legs and four Metal Slides. attached to its back. I wondered how it got knocked the counter. It admitted a high pitch wine left on my leg and began humping desperately against me. I shut my leg trying to dislodge the perverted device, but it wouldn’t let go. Get off I yelled. Please master the toaster mon. I grabbed it by the tail with both hands must be the cord. I grabbed it by the tail with both hands and pull it off of me dropping it down onto the table. As a matter with you I demanded. The toaster was shaking pathetically rubbing its base against the table top sags my dad DAX and moaned. You’re supposed to be neutered malfunction. It suggested helpfully still grinding its genitals against the table. Who the hell manufactures a toaster with genitals? Fucking Sunbeam I never trusted that company. All right now function It suggested helpfully again still grinding his genitals against the table. And you’re supposed to be mute. You’re not supposed to be able to talk. malfunction master sorry Master, but must have sex. It once again left onto my leg and hump me. I pried it off again. The toaster left a larger wet spot on my bathrobe. I walked over to the bathroom and toss the thing in quickly closing the door before it could slip out. I hope the toaster wouldn’t do anything stupid, like try to fuck the toilet. What the hell is going on? I asked the refrigerator. I’m asking what I’m asking myself that he’s talking to our refrigerator. You’re supposed to be in charge of the appliances. How could something like this happen? I’m not sure it said well, what should I do? global manufacturer that would probably be best. Well, it’s Sunday. Why do you want even be there? 24 hours service seven days a week. This Mark fridge said proudly. I also don’t trust smart fridges. What’s the What’s the number? I sat down in front of the telescreen in the living room and punched in the number as the refrigerator called it out to me. After a few rings, a very attractive young woman appeared on my computer screen. She was wearing overalls over a tight pink shirt, which emphasized her full and perky breasts, bio appliance mechanics Incorporated, she said, she said, God speaking How may I help you? Hey, God, I said, my name is Roger. And look, I’m having a problem with the device from your company. my refrigerator suggested I call you and so I did. I see. She pleasantly said, and what seems to be the problem? Well, it’s my toaster. It’s been behaving a little strangely this morning. Yeah. It’s kind of embarrassing. You can tell me Roger I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t heard before. Well, it humped my leg. Judy didn’t laugh at me like I expected her to instead she nodded, still smiling politely. Yeah, I’ve dealt with that problem before. It’s the fault of combining biological and synthetic components into a living device. Why would you need a synthetic fucking toaster? It has one purpose to toast. toast bread. Right? Sure. The process gives you an intelligent toaster refrigerator sensitive to your wants and needs. But sometimes the cyborgs develop certain physical sensitivity, sometimes even emotional problems. Yesterday, I had to deal with a waffle iron that was incredibly depressed because it had a severe case of acne. I mean, these sort of things aren’t supposed to happen, but sometimes you know there’s a malfunction, or I’m going to fast forward here. She agrees to come out and look at the toaster. Meanwhile, as he’s hanging up the phone, there was a strange moaning noise coming from the bathroom. That toaster found something to fuck it How about talk? Please me out, Master, please. I’ll be good. I promise. Please shut up. I yelled stereo. Let’s have some music. Yes, sir. The stereo said it began blasting some techno jazz. A few hours later, Judy knocked on the door and I hastily told the stereo to turn itself off. Judy was still wearing her overalls and her baseball cap. I on the other hand, changed into jeans and a T shirt. She walked over to the bathroom and opened the door. The toaster scampered out, looking nervous and flush, dragging its tail between his legs, DAX it yelled, God Judy picked it up and walked over to the kitchen table. She gently put it down and stroked it’s pink flesh report. She asked gently DAX need sacks. I’m going to turn you over, she said and delicately picked the cyborg up and flipped it upside down. The six stubby legs stuck up in the air squirming madly. Judy was doing something with her hands. And all the while that toaster moaned excitedly, kicking its feet like a psychotic Chorus Line. I couldn’t see what was going on Judy was hunched over the toaster blocking my view. It’s female, she said to me hasn’t been neutered at all. That’s fairly unusual. Have a look Roger. I walked over nervously expecting the toaster to leap on me again at any minute. What I saw startled me. The bottom of the toaster was pink and smooth like regular human skin. There was also a vaginal passage and a brown patch of pubic hair because that’s what you want with your toaster. Fucking pubic hair. You know those things go airborne, straight pubic hair gonna land on your toast. The orifice was surprisingly large for a four slice being Judy was sliding her finger in and out of the toasters can’t massage. Its Clint with the other with her other hand. Yes, yes. The toaster grunted. Oh, God. Should you be doing that? I asked. The toaster Judy whispered, is an intelligent being caught in a state of hyper arousal. I’m just you know, helping her is all she needs satisfaction and I’m giving it to her, but it’s a toaster. Should you be masturbating a toaster? I mean, is this standard procedure for this kind of situation? We are not exactly but she’s not just a toaster, toaster. She’s biologically flesh. She has needs and wants. The toasters can. I never thought I’d read this line that you can never expect to read something like this. That toasters cut was dripping wet frosting madly. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. God smiled at me. We girls have to stick together. She said, bringing her mouth down onto the toasters can’t. Judy began tugging the cyborgs clicked and kept pumping a finger in and out of it’s all my cock was swelling. In my pants as I watch this strange lesbian act, Roger to Judy whispered, could you do something for me? What I said she undid the clamps of her overalls and let her pants fall to the floor. Please fuck me while I suck on this toasters Can’t she then push her face into the back of the cyborgs pussy, laughing at it with a passionate hunger. I stepped behind God and looked at her beautiful wide ass running my fingers over it. Her behind was pale and gorgeous sprinkled with delicate blonde hairs. I quickly took off all my clothes. Judy’s blonde was dripping wet, kind of like how your toasters current is dripping wet, and it eagerly slept my cock NI thrust in and out of her she continue to slurp on the toaster. Now all three of us were gasping and moaning happily. I was just about to orgasm. When Judy suddenly pulled away from me, my cock slit out of her and I moaned in frustration. I have a better idea. Lie down on the floor. Quickly I did it she said lying down on the linoleum. God picked up the toaster and lowered it towards my cock. Oh god no i groaned please I can’t have sex with an appliance. You want it Judy whispered I can tell you want it a hot tight virgin toaster cut just for you. Look at your cock all hard aching. She pushed the toaster on my cock sliding its current on to me making it fuck me this sensation. And it was incredible. The sideboards? Actually the sideboard, but I’m guessing they meant sideboard the cyborgs cut was tight, hot and wet throbbing around my dick squeezing on to me. Yeah, the appliance how old rubbing and grinding against my cock. Taking in my entire length. It stubby pink legs thrashed violently against me as it slid up and down pleasuring my tool. fucker. Roger. Fuck the toaster, fucker hard. Give her all your Got. The toaster was howling in the throes of orgasm, trembling and gasping, squealing, unable to believe it’s lust was finally at an end. And then I came to spring out my load and the best orgasm I ever had feeling more calm than I thought my body could possibly hold. The orgasm felt like it lasted for at least a full minute stream after stream of come gushed out of me until I collapsed on the floor, feeling hollow and completely exhausted. I saw the toaster had crawled off of me and was dozing in the corner satisfied. Isn’t it wonderful? Judy moaned. I turned to look at her. She was still leaning against the counter still masturbating. I have a food processor with an eight inch cock juicy. And every night when I get home from work, I let it fuck my brains out. She let out a little gasp sliding her fingers over her kids squeezing her boobs one at a time. I never told anyone that before. my food processor. He’s the best lover I’ve ever had. Judy gasp grunting and groaning she was coming furiously, barely able to stand. I love things. I love them all. Then she slid onto our knees moaning happily still slipping her hand back and forth between her legs as the orgasm slowly faded away. Okay, I gotta get going. I have another appointment in 15 minutes. Wait, what about my toaster? I asked. still lying naked on the floor. You want me to fix it? It will only be in heat once or twice a month. Nevermind, I’ll take care of it. Thanks, God. Okay, no problem. Thanks, Roger. A few weeks later, my coffee maker began sucking on my fingers, gasping and sobbing for attention. I decided that thanks to God, I can now take care of these little problems around the home myself. I took the coffee maker to bed gently stroking it, assuring it that everything was going to be just fine. Well, unfortunately, we They’ll have a little bit of time left, which means I’m going to play this next story for you. I don’t even remember recording this was so long ago. I think we must have been trying to prove that anything can be turned sexual. We just read a story where a woman reformed kind of link is on a star. Why not have some September 11 themed fucking going on? That’s exactly what this next x story is. this coming week, we will celebrate or remember the tragedy that is 911. And I can’t think of a more distorted view way of commemorating it. Then by replaying this story. Never forget, it was a sunny morning in September, Derek had awakened with his beautiful girlfriend, Jill. You know, Jill, I’ve been thinking, you know how we’ve talked about spicing things up in the bedroom. See, I have the space To see me like me acting like a naughty nurse. No. Do you want to 69 No, I want to 911 What are you talking about? Derek? Then in a Middle Eastern accent Derek proclaimed haka haka. No longer Derek, my name is Muhammad. Derek What are you doing? Shut the fuck up you ducking in American infidel as Derek revealed his box cutters. Derek’s day had finally arrived, he became a terrorist in his 911 fantasy. I’m going to hijack your body for LA. Derek. Derek put on a pirate beard, which he purchased at the dollar store last Halloween are I mean? Jill said this is so disrespectful to the victims of 911 You should be ashamed of yourself. But the United States government has disrespected my people for decades and it is high time we seek out revenge The only way I can make my accent believable is by adding that so you know it’s Middle Eastern. As Derek put on a turban, which was nothing more than his dried come rag. Besides, when I die a martyr I will make love to 72 virgins in the afterlife, aka Black MIMB. Alec, look, can you just find a job as a school teacher? Silence infidel? Derek unrolled Dinoire nothing but a belt of explosives around his waist, which was in reality a plastic wily coyote toy. Derek? Joe cried stewardess, you will give me service with a smile. Now get down and suck on my duty dick. Derek’s jangle, a genitals were long and bushy, like the sad face of Osama bin Laden. Jill’s mouth wrestled with Derek’s cock like Carney Wilson gnawing on Little Caesars crazy bread. Derek then crouched over Jill’s face and demanded lick the sand crabs out of my rectum ate them like big sushi. Yes, yes. 911 was an inside rim job is split into my asshole. Yes, you’re American peanuts on airplanes disgust me. Now it’s time you taste myself the nuts with a mouthful of testicles. She garbled in Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that new. Coming take those out of your mouth. You’ll never get away with this silence infidel. Derek then spread Jill’s legs and begin penetrating her racket, China. Her hole was huge, like the hole in the USS Cole bombing. Ooh, their genitals swamp bodily gravy as they shuttered an ecstasy. Derek tried to find her G spot but failed like the US military failing to find Osama bin Laden. But Jill’s cave was certainly not dry. She had more cut mustard than a Heinz factory. Derek then beef injected her ass hole with his al Qaeda cock. How do you like it now? Now you know what a TSA cavity searches like? Are you proud to be an American now? BHB Jill moaned and pain. Now it is time time to destroy what is sacred. I want to fuck your twin towers. Derek’s cock was hard like a jetliner and slid through Jill’s titties back and forth until his cock change color from orange to red, like the Homeland Security color code chart. explode Derek hollered as he exploded a Jihad of juices all over Jill’s jugs. He then grabbed an urn filled with his grandpa’s ashes and spread them all over the room to simulate the destruction from the World Trade Center. The room was smokier than Poker Night at the VFW. Then suddenly a dozen Homeland Security Officers broke into the room and handcuffed Derek. We finally have you Mohammed. Look, you got the wrong guy. My name is Derek. I’m not a terrorist. I work it down at Geek Squad. I’m just silence you do Koon we know that your Mohammed Derek’s voice cracked. But I’m a normal guy. I blog about anime and play Dungeons and Dragons. The The only dungeon EOB seen his Guantanamo Bay. You can fantastic accent. I know You can tell that story your new your new raghead friend man you can get more cock down there then a urinal the deputy a shared boys How about we go snort some smuggle cocaine? I’m some hookers acids to celebrate our victory yeah Derek was shipped off to a prison and never seen from again. It was another victory for the good ol us ma a tear rolled down the officers cheek as he said, God bless America for our freedoms and the rest of the world and go fuck themselves. The end. Did Corey have something to do with that story? I feel like it has his stink all over it. All right, well, there you go. Another successful and offensive addition accrued summer is in the can. Thank you guys so much for joining me this weekend. I will be back next weekend with another installment and don’t forget new episodes of distorted view Daily air Monday through Friday. I hope you are all subscribed. Tuesday and Thursday we tend to do sideshow exclusive programs yes exclusive programs just for paying members. If you like what I’m doing, please consider signing up and supporting the show super freak side com. We also have a Patreon account patreon.com slash distorted view where you can pledge as little as $1. Again, thank you guys so much for joining me today. I’ll see you back next weekend. Bye everybody. Just a quick final reminder, devious crude summer is brought to you by Adam and eve.com for a limited time get 50% off just about any item plus a bunch of free stuff. A little something for him something for her and a third item you’ll both enjoy plus six free movies and free shipping on your entire order. Just remember to use coupon code freak FREAK at AdamAndEve.Com Music from https://filmmusic.io

“Lobby Time” by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)

License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

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