"Is that finger loaded?" A good question because nothing is as it seems in Devesham-on-Oseidon. The horse-brasses are plastic, the dartboard has a functional bullseye and the ginger beer may not be The Real Thing (but its supply is inexhaustible). Then there's Guy Crayford, who has a spacesuit of vacuum-resistant denim, incomplete underpants an ...…

"You've got some of it on your hands and you didn't tell us anything about it. It was very wrong of you, wasn't it?" The Doctor makes Barbara feel small with a little ticking off. Fair enough though - she had almost died from the stiffest of upper lips (and a dangerously unbathed ankle). Eco-whistleblower Arnold Farrow fares even worse with a s ...…

"What is this horrendous place?" Well, Nyssa, it's Terminus - a place to which Bor was presumably drawn by nominative determinism. It's a drab old hospital where the porters are metal, the doctors are Goths and the burglars are New Romantics. The Doctor wins a fight, Nyssa loses her skirt and Tegan draws the short straw, what with Turlough star ...…

"No complications." That infamous moment when the first Ogron on the left accidentally reveals his MENSA potential to his masters but no-one bats a shiny eyelid. Yes, this is Day of the Daleks in which our intrepid TARDIS twosome wine, dine and enjoy a ride, while Yates pulls rank, Benton pulls out of a minor skirmish and the Brig pulls his hai ...…

"The Doctor's almost as clever as I am." Zoe Heriot may be the Krotons' pet but she must have been expelled from modesty school. Yes, this is The Krotons, a saga of sub-standard scientists, snaky CCTV spies and shouty fridges from another world. The Doctor flunks, Jamie fights and Zoe infuriates while the Gonds lack the gonads to take on their ...…

"Never trust a man with dirty fingernails." ...Or a face like a Shar Pei's nether regions. Especially if he exacerbates London's rodent problem, takes advantage of young scrubbers and test-drives prototype orgasmatrons. Yes, this is The Talons of Weng-Chiang - a strange (Robert) Holmesian melodrama where people pop poison pills, ventriloquist d ...…

"I hate conducted tours." Dodo single-handedly sows the seeds of the Doctor Who Experience's eventual demise, way back in 1966. This month we find ourselves in a land where greedy leaders feather their own nests at the expense of the downtrodden underclass. And it's much the same in Doctor Who's The Savages, screened some 52 years ago (badum ti ...…

"Let's make this baby fly!" Said the uncool and un-Welsh Welsh rock 'n' roller Billy, who refrains (perhaps disappointingly) from drop-kicking the Chimeron child over the Shangri-La camp's Olympic size swimming pool. Yes, it's time to take a look at the distinctly odd Delta and the Bannermen, a tale of a baffling bee-keeper, unnecessary America ...…

"You have returned to us, Doctor. Your travels are over." But thankfully not forever. It was, indeed, a long way from being all over. So Jim and Martin stagger to their century milestone with their biggest story yet, The War Games. It's an epic tale of trials, tribulations, heavily corrected (and impaired) vision, and a Very. Stupid. Voice. The ...…

"A delightfully unexpected afternoon." Well it won't take up much of your afternoon and there's very little that's unexpected here. For this is Black Orchid - a ripping yarn of bronchial brothers, lippy bookworms, smutty absentees and a child bride who's passed around like a gold ball at a Telosian rugby match. The Doctor plays the clown, Tegan ...…

"I don't work for anybody. I'm just having fun." Not so much fun for the cold turkeys, the cattle-prodded Mandrels and the eviscerated punters on the good ship Empress though. Yes, this is Nightmare of Eden and 'nightmare' could be seen as an apposite epithet by the crew and viewer alike. It's a heady cocktail of spiked drinks, unfortunate zips ...…

"I am usually referred to as the Master." Or some very slight variation thereof. Terror of the Autons is a story where a bloomin' cockernee is masquerading as an Italian, a Time Lord as an astral Mr Benn, Autons as an army of Frank Sidebottoms, and the man himself as BT's most sackable employee. Yet the Master can't muster the energy to think u ...…

"I'm not a mountain goat and I prefer walking to any day. And I hate climbing." If you think Steven Moffat era Doctor Who taxes the mind, imagine being part of the 1965 audience and having to decode anagrams of the scripted lines on the fly. And the mind is boggled in many other ways by The Time Meddler. How can an 11th Century monk have a wris ...…

"It's getting rather exciting, isn't it?" Well mileage may vary and opinions certainly differ a wee bit between your intrepid hosts on this one. For it is The Stones of Blood, a tale of vampiric slabs, a reclusive mistress-villain with a morbid fear of lemon sherbets and the latest mismatched cop duo - Android and Wirrn. The Doctor wears a barr ...…

"I am the Doctor... whether you like it or not." Ahem... awkward! Yes, this is Colin Baker's debut debacle as the Doctor, The Twin Dilemma. A tale of a Hurndall understudy in a dress, two bratty bowl-cut brain-boxes, pestilent parrot people and a hairy slug with an inter-species libido. And, at its centre, we have our 'hero' who tries to bluste ...…

"No-one on the Colony believes in Macra! There is no such thing as Macra! Macra do not exist! There are no Macra!!" Well maybe stop going on about them so much then? He's right though. This colony is lovely - except for the brainwashing, harrowing jingles, cheerless cheerleading, occupational hazards and the ministrations of hit security group, ...…

"You're liable to wake up Old Nick going that deep!" And imagine old Nick's horror when he woke up after a BBC stag do and found that someone had given him a comedy eye-patch and a joke shop scar. But it's not just the Brig who's had an unsympathetic makeover in Inferno's alt-right universe. Cuddly Sergeant Benton is now brutal bastard Benton a ...…

"What are you concealing from me, boy?" Not enough, some might say, for this is Castrovalva - where Master Waterhouse introduces the innocent and unsuspecting viewer to "Little Matthew" . But that's not the only harrowing element of the Fifth Doctor's first outing. The Time Lord himself is made incompetent (and incontinent?) by his regeneration ...…

"Whatever blows can be sucked." Not The Creature From The Pit this time but a story which could be said, in American vernacular, both to 'blow' and to 'suck'. It's Underworld - a production so maligned that even most of the sets refused to participate. A CSO mother lode in which Minyans are led by Minions, the proletariat dine on the very rock ...…

"If anything happens, let me know." What do you get if you have two episodes to fill with no guest actors and no new sets? Well in the weird world of Lime Grove 1964, you get The Edge of Destruction - a veritable cryptic crossword with clues from another, different cryptic crossword. This is, of course, the one where Susan turns sinister scisso ...…

"It was terrible... and then I got rescued by this bowl." No, not a symptom of BBC budget cuts - although its economically-priced, invisible owner may have been. It's the Planet of the Daleks - or, more accurately, the planet of the plants which either spy or spray, the molten ice which somehow isn't just water and the locals who are definitely ...…

"I'll turn the world we know into your enemy!" Confusingly, this isn't The Enemy of the World but in fact The Crusade - a swords and Saracens saga of identity theft, cross-dressing and honey traps. The Doctor is courting intrigue, Ian is caught in a sticky situation and Vicki is caught out cosplaying. Meanwhile Barbara and Princess Joanna are t ...…

"She tipped the ambassador into a pit and threw astrologers at him." Public Notice: Beware of low-flying Russell Grants. What else could this be but 1979's The Creature From The Pit? It's a somewhat green-tinged tale about an enormous slug who, despite being chucked down a pit and starved, still seems very pleased to see us. He shares the dank ...…

"I shouldn't be down here at all, really. Driver, I am. See?" Yes, perhaps it would be better if you were absent, Evans. You certainly drive everyone up the wall. But the Welsh wimp is not the only peril in the London Underground in 1968's The Web of Fear. The slimmer-line Yeti now sling more web than Spidey, Professor Travers is now an old duf ...…

"Rondel - intergalactic region devoid of all stellar activity" So how come it feels like we've gone on location to Rondel, rather than Amsterdam? There's certainly a lack of activity in Arc of Infinity - and a less than stellar cast, if it comes to that. But at least we have a trigger-happy Nyssa, a new look (but, alas, same personality) Tegan ...…

"Oh, how very embarrassing!" That's what the unsuspecting viewer probably said in 1973 when the so-called "large and savage reptile" hoved into view at the top of the Ogron quarry. If only there'd been enough budget to show more than its dangly bits... But close your eyes for those couple of seconds and Frontier in Space will reward you with ma ...…

"Well now, it seems I have been here before." You have: Planet of Evil. Well... only up to a point. Sure the red-outlined empty creatures from the id are here again but this time they have Tom Baker's distinctive fizzog. As does the local equivalent of Mount Rushmore (although the DVD cover features someone else entirely, for some reason...). A ...…

"I rather fancy that's settled that little bit of solution." OK, that's Billy going way off piste again but six-part saga The Sensorites is all about solutions. A remarkably serene Susan is the solution to an impasse on a spaceship, the devious Doctor finds the solution to a municipal malaise and the unlucky Ian drinks a solution which may well ...…

"Professor... what's going on?!" Good question, Ace. The last ever classic Who story to be recorded, Ghost Light, is something of a period-piece puzzle - with a few pieces missing. But it does include dinner-suited monsters, gun-toting maids, an insane explorer, a simian sermoniser and a Neanderthal butler (doesn't every home have one?). This m ...…

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Dunno. Have you watched The Golden Voyage of Sinbad? Hurrah! It's double helpings of Tom Baker in 1980's Meglos, one bristlier and greener around the gills than the other. It's a saga of succulents, savants and power supplies wherein Romana is fondled by a bunch of flowers, K9 is assaulted by a bunch of li ...…

"There are soldiers all over my house and I'm in my pants." Not what happened during the recording of this podcast episode but a mildly diverting moment from The Power of Three - something of an oasis, some might say. Yes, this is the story of the boring slow invasion. The Doctor's bored, Rory's out of washing powder, Amy sniffs some milk and B ...…

"Well thank you, Brigadier! But do you think that for once in your life you could manage to arrive before the nick of time?" I'd leave it another half hour next time if I was you, Brig. Yes, the third Doctor is being as pleasant as a fart in a spacesuit again, this time in The Mind of Evil - a six-part saga of surprised screws, conniving cons, ...…

"It's not exactly dull travelling with the Doctor." Not normally, Tegan. Not normally... But this is the season 19 closer, Time-Flight, in which the Doctor seems to be under heavy sedation, OmNyssia knows all the answers, Tegan remains an air hostess (not that she ever hints at this) and Adric is still dead (mercifully). The Master is at large ...…

"Usually I only entertain friends in the TARDIS." Everyone off to the tinselled Type 40 then for some serious wassailing! Like all the best parties, we'll no doubt end up clustered around the food machine. Yes, it's our snow-capped Christmas 2015 edition in which Jim and Martin cast their occuloid trackers over the 1975 Tom Baker space epic (Fo ...…

"Is this how time normally passes? Really slowly and in the right order?" No, not a comment from one of our long-suffering listeners but one of the many amusing lines from Vincent and the Doctor, in which the Doctor tilts at wind, Amy is a typical Brit abroad (either shouting at or chatting up the locals) and Alan Van Gogh puts his paintings to ...…

"Okay. Not sure but really, really hoping... pants?" No, not your hosts feeling their presents on Christmas morning but the ludicrously-named Laurence Nightingale in the much-lauded Blink - a tale of kinetic statues, exploding hens, dumbfounding DVD extras and a pro-celebrity wedding. And it prompts a number of burning questions... Is it really ...…

"This is called The Bootstrap Paradox. Google it." So now we have to do some homework before settling down to our favourite programme? Maybe not, as we get an explanation of what's going to happen before (and after) we watch it happen in Before the Flood. Oh for the simpler if more claustrophobic pleasures to be found Under The Lake. And our pr ...…

"Supreme Dalek... your sewers are revolting!" B'dum tish! He's here all week, laydeez 'n' gen'lemen... For the next ten weeks, in fact. Yes, the Doctor's back on our screens and straight into in a touching but mutually mendacious bromance with Ole One-Eye (or is that Three-Eyes now?) Davros weeps, the Doctor shreds, Missy larks about and Clara ...…

"That would have created what I believe is called 'consumer resistance'." True dat, Davros. Much as many people would like to get rid of the occasional relative, eating them rarely presents itself as a viable option. A Marxist stand-up masquerading as a crap Dee-Jay is also likely to put off customers (even the comatose ones), while melting mut ...…

"Let's hope the piano knows it." Merely false modesty from virtuoso ivory ticklers Steven "Regret" Taylor and Dodo "Dodo" Chaplet as we soon discover in the horse-flop flecked epic, The Gunfighters. The Doctor ("Caligari") has a busted tooth extracted but that ain't the only malfunctioning thing coming out of anyone's mouths in this one... no s ...…

"Dross and baubles!" A three-word review of The Pirate Planet by the salty cyborg himself? Perhaps. Not that there's much in the way of baubles, except for a compact and bijou planet made entirely from sweetie wrappers. But there are some monkish mentalists who need a decent kip, a dangerously incontinent tin budgie and a heaving metropolis of ...…

"Isobel... where are yoooouuu?" Come to that, where is Scooby Doo? Shouldn't he be with those crazy kids in the Big Smoke's syewers (sic) trying to take shots of scary Cyberm'n (one of them's sick). It's all because of The Invasion, masterminded by perma-winking Tobias Vaughn and his woefully inept sidekick (and arse-kick), Packer. The Doctor h ...…

"You know, you're a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain." No, the Doctor isn't addressing your gentle hosts but Martin's favouritest actor ever is on the receiving end. It's The Robots of Death - a tale of unwelcome bike reflectors, irresistible make-up and ludicrous millinery. The Doctor ...…

“The earth is hungry. It waits to eat. I can see them. They are the appetite beneath the ground.” Mark Strickson now regrets snacking on Daz before shooting his key scenes in the 1984 comedy-woodlice fest, Frontios. And these unrealistic bugs are not the only threat to our bespectacled cricketer, rabid schoolboy and Australian android from the ...…

"Suffering catfish!" And they aren't the only ones suffering as Jim and Martin trudge through the lively four-part story The Time Monster, cunningly packaged as a six-part ordeal. The Doctor dreams of the Master, the Master dreams of universal conquest and Jo dreams of a time when her alien colleague doesn't keep treating her like a particularl ...…

"There are three physical gateways and the three are one. The whole of this domain, the ancient arch, the mirrors. All the gateways are one." You what? Run that by me again... Don't expect any more sense than this from anyone else, for this is Warriors' Gate - a tale with dialogue so oblique it makes Samuel Beckett sound like Dan Brown. It's an ...…

“It's all in there somewhere. Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan, gelling agents, it's all in motion.” No, not a description of Jim and Martin's stomachs on Christmas night but rather the innards of the Kandy Man, part-time lethal confectioner and full-time Bertie Bassett stunt double. Yes, we're on Terra Alpha, a dystopian colony ruled over by ...…

"This game of hide and seek through time is wearing a little thin now." We couldn't have put it better ourselves, Chesterfield. Yes, it's the 1965 Dalek story The Chase we're talking about - a tale of bagpipe creatures, a highly annoying hayseed, living vegetation (gasp!), under-utilised plungers and a space pilot with a panda fetish. The Docto ...…

"In my presence, you are an ant, a termite. Abase yourself, you grovelling insect!" So once again Sutekh's arrogance management classes fail to deliver and he's left in his sub-Saqqaran tomb for a few more centuries, waiting for another gentleman caller. And he had a lot going for him: a puppet archaeologist, a loyal (if irascible) Egyptian org ...…

"I am an idiot with a box and a screwdriver." So after 12 weeks of soul-searching and self-scrutinisation, this is the conclusion the Doctor comes to. Not the only disappointment, perhaps, during the two-part Series 8 finale, Dark Water and Death in Heaven. Clara is not the Doctor, Missy is the Master (though perhaps not one worthy of the name) ...…