"I am the Doctor... whether you like it or not." Ahem... awkward! Yes, this is Colin Baker's debut debacle as the Doctor, The Twin Dilemma. A tale of a Hurndall understudy in a dress, two bratty bowl-cut brain-boxes, pestilent parrot people and a hairy slug with an inter-species libido. And, at its centre, we have our 'hero' who tries to bluste ...…

"No-one on the Colony believes in Macra! There is no such thing as Macra! Macra do not exist! There are no Macra!!" Well maybe stop going on about them so much then? He's right though. This colony is lovely - except for the brainwashing, harrowing jingles, cheerless cheerleading, occupational hazards and the ministrations of hit security group, ...…

"You're liable to wake up Old Nick going that deep!" And imagine old Nick's horror when he woke up after a BBC stag do and found that someone had given him a comedy eye-patch and a joke shop scar. But it's not just the Brig who's had an unsympathetic makeover in Inferno's alt-right universe. Cuddly Sergeant Benton is now brutal bastard Benton a ...…

"What are you concealing from me, boy?" Not enough, some might say, for this is Castrovalva - where Master Waterhouse introduces the innocent and unsuspecting viewer to "Little Matthew" . But that's not the only harrowing element of the Fifth Doctor's first outing. The Time Lord himself is made incompetent (and incontinent?) by his regeneration ...…

"Whatever blows can be sucked." Not The Creature From The Pit this time but a story which could be said, in American vernacular, both to 'blow' and to 'suck'. It's Underworld - a production so maligned that even most of the sets refused to participate. A CSO mother lode in which Minyans are led by Minions, the proletariat dine on the very rock ...…

"If anything happens, let me know." What do you get if you have two episodes to fill with no guest actors and no new sets? Well in the weird world of Lime Grove 1964, you get The Edge of Destruction - a veritable cryptic crossword with clues from another, different cryptic crossword. This is, of course, the one where Susan turns sinister scisso ...…

"It was terrible... and then I got rescued by this bowl." No, not a symptom of BBC budget cuts - although its economically-priced, invisible owner may have been. It's the Planet of the Daleks - or, more accurately, the planet of the plants which either spy or spray, the molten ice which somehow isn't just water and the locals who are definitely ...…

"I'll turn the world we know into your enemy!" Confusingly, this isn't The Enemy of the World but in fact The Crusade - a swords and Saracens saga of identity theft, cross-dressing and honey traps. The Doctor is courting intrigue, Ian is caught in a sticky situation and Vicki is caught out cosplaying. Meanwhile Barbara and Princess Joanna are t ...…

"She tipped the ambassador into a pit and threw astrologers at him." Public Notice: Beware of low-flying Russell Grants. What else could this be but 1979's The Creature From The Pit? It's a somewhat green-tinged tale about an enormous slug who, despite being chucked down a pit and starved, still seems very pleased to see us. He shares the dank ...…

"I shouldn't be down here at all, really. Driver, I am. See?" Yes, perhaps it would be better if you were absent, Evans. You certainly drive everyone up the wall. But the Welsh wimp is not the only peril in the London Underground in 1968's The Web of Fear. The slimmer-line Yeti now sling more web than Spidey, Professor Travers is now an old duf ...…

"Rondel - intergalactic region devoid of all stellar activity" So how come it feels like we've gone on location to Rondel, rather than Amsterdam? There's certainly a lack of activity in Arc of Infinity - and a less than stellar cast, if it comes to that. But at least we have a trigger-happy Nyssa, a new look (but, alas, same personality) Tegan ...…

"Oh, how very embarrassing!" That's what the unsuspecting viewer probably said in 1973 when the so-called "large and savage reptile" hoved into view at the top of the Ogron quarry. If only there'd been enough budget to show more than its dangly bits... But close your eyes for those couple of seconds and Frontier in Space will reward you with ma ...…

"Well now, it seems I have been here before." You have: Planet of Evil. Well... only up to a point. Sure the red-outlined empty creatures from the id are here again but this time they have Tom Baker's distinctive fizzog. As does the local equivalent of Mount Rushmore (although the DVD cover features someone else entirely, for some reason...). A ...…

"I rather fancy that's settled that little bit of solution." OK, that's Billy going way off piste again but six-part saga The Sensorites is all about solutions. A remarkably serene Susan is the solution to an impasse on a spaceship, the devious Doctor finds the solution to a municipal malaise and the unlucky Ian drinks a solution which may well ...…

"Professor... what's going on?!" Good question, Ace. The last ever classic Who story to be recorded, Ghost Light, is something of a period-piece puzzle - with a few pieces missing. But it does include dinner-suited monsters, gun-toting maids, an insane explorer, a simian sermoniser and a Neanderthal butler (doesn't every home have one?). This m ...…

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Dunno. Have you watched The Golden Voyage of Sinbad? Hurrah! It's double helpings of Tom Baker in 1980's Meglos, one bristlier and greener around the gills than the other. It's a saga of succulents, savants and power supplies wherein Romana is fondled by a bunch of flowers, K9 is assaulted by a bunch of li ...…

"There are soldiers all over my house and I'm in my pants." Not what happened during the recording of this podcast episode but a mildly diverting moment from The Power of Three - something of an oasis, some might say. Yes, this is the story of the boring slow invasion. The Doctor's bored, Rory's out of washing powder, Amy sniffs some milk and B ...…

"Well thank you, Brigadier! But do you think that for once in your life you could manage to arrive before the nick of time?" I'd leave it another half hour next time if I was you, Brig. Yes, the third Doctor is being as pleasant as a fart in a spacesuit again, this time in The Mind of Evil - a six-part saga of surprised screws, conniving cons, ...…

"It's not exactly dull travelling with the Doctor." Not normally, Tegan. Not normally... But this is the season 19 closer, Time-Flight, in which the Doctor seems to be under heavy sedation, OmNyssia knows all the answers, Tegan remains an air hostess (not that she ever hints at this) and Adric is still dead (mercifully). The Master is at large ...…

"Usually I only entertain friends in the TARDIS." Everyone off to the tinselled Type 40 then for some serious wassailing! Like all the best parties, we'll no doubt end up clustered around the food machine. Yes, it's our snow-capped Christmas 2015 edition in which Jim and Martin cast their occuloid trackers over the 1975 Tom Baker space epic (Fo ...…

"Is this how time normally passes? Really slowly and in the right order?" No, not a comment from one of our long-suffering listeners but one of the many amusing lines from Vincent and the Doctor, in which the Doctor tilts at wind, Amy is a typical Brit abroad (either shouting at or chatting up the locals) and Alan Van Gogh puts his paintings to ...…

"Okay. Not sure but really, really hoping... pants?" No, not your hosts feeling their presents on Christmas morning but the ludicrously-named Laurence Nightingale in the much-lauded Blink - a tale of kinetic statues, exploding hens, dumbfounding DVD extras and a pro-celebrity wedding. And it prompts a number of burning questions... Is it really ...…

"This is called The Bootstrap Paradox. Google it." So now we have to do some homework before settling down to our favourite programme? Maybe not, as we get an explanation of what's going to happen before (and after) we watch it happen in Before the Flood. Oh for the simpler if more claustrophobic pleasures to be found Under The Lake. And our pr ...…

"Supreme Dalek... your sewers are revolting!" B'dum tish! He's here all week, laydeez 'n' gen'lemen... For the next ten weeks, in fact. Yes, the Doctor's back on our screens and straight into in a touching but mutually mendacious bromance with Ole One-Eye (or is that Three-Eyes now?) Davros weeps, the Doctor shreds, Missy larks about and Clara ...…

"That would have created what I believe is called 'consumer resistance'." True dat, Davros. Much as many people would like to get rid of the occasional relative, eating them rarely presents itself as a viable option. A Marxist stand-up masquerading as a crap Dee-Jay is also likely to put off customers (even the comatose ones), while melting mut ...…

"Let's hope the piano knows it." Merely false modesty from virtuoso ivory ticklers Steven "Regret" Taylor and Dodo "Dodo" Chaplet as we soon discover in the horse-flop flecked epic, The Gunfighters. The Doctor ("Caligari") has a busted tooth extracted but that ain't the only malfunctioning thing coming out of anyone's mouths in this one... no s ...…

"Dross and baubles!" A three-word review of The Pirate Planet by the salty cyborg himself? Perhaps. Not that there's much in the way of baubles, except for a compact and bijou planet made entirely from sweetie wrappers. But there are some monkish mentalists who need a decent kip, a dangerously incontinent tin budgie and a heaving metropolis of ...…

"Isobel... where are yoooouuu?" Come to that, where is Scooby Doo? Shouldn't he be with those crazy kids in the Big Smoke's syewers (sic) trying to take shots of scary Cyberm'n (one of them's sick). It's all because of The Invasion, masterminded by perma-winking Tobias Vaughn and his woefully inept sidekick (and arse-kick), Packer. The Doctor h ...…

"You know, you're a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain." No, the Doctor isn't addressing your gentle hosts but Martin's favouritest actor ever is on the receiving end. It's The Robots of Death - a tale of unwelcome bike reflectors, irresistible make-up and ludicrous millinery. The Doctor ...…

“The earth is hungry. It waits to eat. I can see them. They are the appetite beneath the ground.” Mark Strickson now regrets snacking on Daz before shooting his key scenes in the 1984 comedy-woodlice fest, Frontios. And these unrealistic bugs are not the only threat to our bespectacled cricketer, rabid schoolboy and Australian android from the ...…

"Suffering catfish!" And they aren't the only ones suffering as Jim and Martin trudge through the lively four-part story The Time Monster, cunningly packaged as a six-part ordeal. The Doctor dreams of the Master, the Master dreams of universal conquest and Jo dreams of a time when her alien colleague doesn't keep treating her like a particularl ...…

"There are three physical gateways and the three are one. The whole of this domain, the ancient arch, the mirrors. All the gateways are one." You what? Run that by me again... Don't expect any more sense than this from anyone else, for this is Warriors' Gate - a tale with dialogue so oblique it makes Samuel Beckett sound like Dan Brown. It's an ...…

“It's all in there somewhere. Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan, gelling agents, it's all in motion.” No, not a description of Jim and Martin's stomachs on Christmas night but rather the innards of the Kandy Man, part-time lethal confectioner and full-time Bertie Bassett stunt double. Yes, we're on Terra Alpha, a dystopian colony ruled over by ...…

"This game of hide and seek through time is wearing a little thin now." We couldn't have put it better ourselves, Chesterfield. Yes, it's the 1965 Dalek story The Chase we're talking about - a tale of bagpipe creatures, a highly annoying hayseed, living vegetation (gasp!), under-utilised plungers and a space pilot with a panda fetish. The Docto ...…

"In my presence, you are an ant, a termite. Abase yourself, you grovelling insect!" So once again Sutekh's arrogance management classes fail to deliver and he's left in his sub-Saqqaran tomb for a few more centuries, waiting for another gentleman caller. And he had a lot going for him: a puppet archaeologist, a loyal (if irascible) Egyptian org ...…

"I am an idiot with a box and a screwdriver." So after 12 weeks of soul-searching and self-scrutinisation, this is the conclusion the Doctor comes to. Not the only disappointment, perhaps, during the two-part Series 8 finale, Dark Water and Death in Heaven. Clara is not the Doctor, Missy is the Master (though perhaps not one worthy of the name) ...…

No, we're not saying Dark Water was a non-episode - just that we're not going to do an individual podcast episode on it. Instead, we'll wait until the full two-part Series 8 finale is completed - Dark Water and Death in Heaven - before opening our pie-holes and spewing forth. After 10 weeks straight, we're sure your ears could do with the rest. ...…

"Farewell to the Ice Age. Welcome to the Tree Age. Possibly." Chilling words (possibly), even to the most ardent of tree-huggers. So the world is covered in trees and the TARDIS is swarming with children in the latest series 8 episode, In the Forest of the Night. The Doctor tries to work out what's going on, Clara tries to remember she's a teac ...…

"As from today... I can put any brain into any body, anywhere." Maybe there's finally hope for the Krynoid Pod boys then? Whether or not they're up for a shaved head and a sex change is another matter but that is the fate of Kiv, chief Mentor and mega-capitalist Sil-botherer, at the expense of poor old Perpugilliam Brown. Is the scenery of Thor ...…

"Why Doctor Oswald, you are hilarious!" So Clara plays the Doctor, Rigsy plays her companion and the Doctor plays Thing from The Addams Family in the latest series 8 episode, Flatline. The TARDIS has shrunk and swallowed the Doctor, while rugs are swallowing people and Danny may not be swallowing Clara's tall tales. Would you sacrifice yourself ...…

"Are you my mummy?" Yes, they couldn't resist it. No blitz-dodging, gasmark-wearing nippers this time though, just a rancid old vet that even a decent vet couldn't save. For he is the Mummy on the Orient Express who, despite his state-of-the-art soldiering kit is not really what the passengers had in mind when they were promised "all mod cons". ...…

"The Moon's an egg." Does that make The First Men in the Moon "soldiers"? No? Suit yourselves... Yes, Kill The Moon is another fandom-splitting episode where science and credibility are cast onto the altar of pure daft entertainment. The Doctor opts out of a big decision, Clara opts out of the democratic process and Courtney opts out of school, ...…

"I'm the new caretaker. John Smith... most people just call me the Doctor." Skilled exponent of the deep cover persona, the Doctor wields a broom and a non-sonic screwdriver in his new-found role as The Caretaker. Naturally, this makes life very difficult for the peripatetic Clara and her new (but already long-suffering) beau, Mr Danny Pink. A ...…

"I hate the architect." Another dose of self-loathing from the Doctor? Or has he just watched 'The Towering Inferno' once too often? Well it's one of many questions and many twists in the oh-so-tricky Time Heist - a tale of the cloned mega-rich, sunken-headed criminals, a love-lorn mind muncher and a motley crue of amnesiac bank robbers. One's ...…

"I sense the vicious doctrine of egalitarianism." Not our words, the words of financially-motivated, fish-blooded fungus, The Collector. One of The Sun Makers, this blob of seaweed with ideas above its station loves a healthy balance sheet and an unhealthy executionee but meets his match when the 4th Doctor, Leela and K9 visit plutocratic Pluto ...…

"Fear is like a companion. A constant companion, always there." And some may think Clara Oswald is always there, in shot. But not Jim and his mystery new podcast companion. They wax lyrical on the rather watchable Listen and ponder tricky dates, misunderstood soldiers and canon attacks. Who wrote on the Doctor's blackboard? Who or what was unde ...…

"No damsels in distress. No pretty castles. No such thing as Robin Hood." Well it just goes to show that even curmudgeonly old Time Lords can get things wrong occasionally, although the TARDIS team do also manage to encounter a Robot of Sherwood or several during their sojourn in Merrie England. Hair is plucked, sandals are sniffed, targets are ...…

"Top layer, if you want to say a few words." Ooh that 12th / 14th / 271st Doctor is a silver-tongued charmer, isn't he? Perhaps being poked into a mental Dalek has upset his equilibrium? Or maybe not. Who knows? Who nose? etc. etc. So Jim and Martin go Into The Dalek and try to discover why the Doctor looks so sheepish, if Clara's was a happy s ...…

"And don't look in that mirror. It's absolutely furious!" Peter Capaldi is the Doctor and Jim and Martin escape their Classic Who bonds to observe him in his inaugural outing, Deep Breath. It's a Victorian melodrama, featuring a newly-coatless tramp, two attack eyebrows, some amazingly tolerant Londoners and the only restaurant with a negative ...…

"Clever. Clever. Clever." Well, if the Cybermen are that bloomin' clever, they'd target the more body-conscious members of The Moonbase crew with their veiny virus too. Never mind, the silver giants have plenty more plans up their practice golfball-studded sleeves and this spells trouble for the internationally-branded Boyz N The Base. But they ...…