088 - The Bachelor: Hostelry Edition

It's Christmastown

ANDY LEVY returns from finding LOVE IN WINTERLAND (2020) and: Mark Cuban's polycule ... THEME ... The Heartthrob Boyz ... Indoors ... A preview of being old ... ACME products ... Delighted to talk to anyone ... Three incredibly handsome men ... Stevie Ray Vaughn Chat ... Good pandemic distraction ... St. Elmo's Fire ... Less of an escape ... "Myeah-myeah myeah myeah myeah" ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Only Andy may win ... Green Book, an incredible movie ... Absurd reality-show downtime ... Drifting from Hallmark movies ... Always the Wicker Man ... Well-written paint-by-numbers ... Half-hearted inclusive casting ... Moisture-wicking performance clothing ... Kevin McHale's body ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No one, or Lauren, the reality TV producer ... Extremely mean ... No bad guy ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 67; "City Girl Saves Small Town" adjacent to "Secret Prince" (Episode 58); Episode 49, Episode 63, "Denver," "Cash-Strapped Winter Resort Universe," Episodes 41, 58, 60, 80 and 81 ... Highly communicable prince ... Eat Your Heart Out: White chocolate fountain joke; pizza from the bus station; Six Layers of Snow Cake; New England Folger's Cake; here's a gingerbread man; Mountaintop Muffin and Winter Scramble; French Silk Pie; untouched green beans with lemon wedges, sauceless bird's nests of spaghetti, white wine; pot roast; chili starter; the Vermont Touch ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: The Black Box vs. The Photo Album Storyboard vs. The Things We Miss the Most ... Crossover: Ski School; paint me like one of your Canadian actresses; no fake gondola budget; Bachelor but with a Business Plan ... Letters to Santa: Chekhov's Solution callback; Christopher Kent's prompt for the ... Build a Buré Workshop: Love in the Time of Corona ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Did Hallmark reference climate change? ... There's less snow now ... [karen geier flocking callback] ... Frigid whirlwind hotel pool ... Knit a shower curtain ... Everything you hate about haggis happened in there ... "Don't protect me from reality; I'm on a reality show" ... Two first names/two last names/three last names ... The Dobrofsky's ... The Christmas Train (Episode 13) callback ... Higgins ... Sell winter ... Italia Ricci's unforgivable momness ... NewsRadio ... Off-leash freshly adopted dog ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Epic Guitar Solo," by Steven Seagal • "Militia Song," by Camper van Beethoven • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane