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Sermon - 11-06-2016 - There will be a Wednesday
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ALL SAINTS’ SUNDAY 2016 LUKE 6:20-31 It was with great pleasure and immense relief that I opened an email this week from the Queen. I know that several of you also received it because you have told me. I eagerly opened it to read this majestic message:
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for your President, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. I will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories. Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'honour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
2. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
4. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric. Roundabouts will help you understand the British sense of humour.
5. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10 a gallon. Live with it.
6. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
7. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
8. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every ten seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour).
9. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
Is there anyone I have not offended? We still have 15 minutes and I don’t want to exclude anyone.
Now that I have set the context for this sermon, let me... (Read the full Sermon here: There will be a Wednesday.pdf ) Mount Calvary, Camp Hill
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