Deep Chats w/ My SIL – Episode 86: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast

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I’m PUMPED about this podcast! I’ve wanted to bring my sister-in-law on the podcast for a while now and it finally happened! We talk all things pop culture like the Royal Wedding, Jersey Shore, John Cena and Nikki Bella break-up and make-up, then we talk about first meeting each other, things we are loving right now plus the things that aren’t working for us. Excited to hear what you guys this of having her on and if forcing her on the podcast should be a regular occurrence! Enjoy!

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Big thank you to this week’s sponsors!

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Episode 86 Transcription!

This episode of PaleOMG Uncensored is brought to you by Aaptiv. Aaptiv produces audio-based workouts created by certified personal trainers available through a mobile app. New members get 30% off an annual membership. Visit Aaptiv.com/PaleOMG.

This is Juli Bauer from PaleOMG and you are listening to PaleOMG Uncensored.

Juli Bauer: Ok. Welcome to another episode of PaleOMG Uncensored. I might sound like I have a strain in my voice, because yesterday we recorded this podcast. We got 40 minutes in, and then my computer froze like a real mother f*ck.

Cara: Dick.

Juli Bauer: Oh, it’s the worst. So, ok, let’s start from the beginning. Today is a very special podcast, because I have my sister-in-law on. Right now, we are sitting her apartment, with Jackson at our feet, because he goes everywhere with us. And there are cleaners at my house, and people installing a garage door. So the house was not going to work. So now we’re on her couch instead.

I’ve asked her to be on my podcast for a while, now. And I pretty much just forced her to be on it this week.

Cara: Just running out of options, now.

Juli Bauer: {laughs} The problem is I just hate everyone, so it’s hard to interview people. I like Cassy; I’ve had Cassy on a couple of times.

Cara: She’s great.

Juli Bauer: Vanessa.

Cara: The best.

Juli Bauer: You know Vanessa. Lexi; you haven’t met Lexi.

Cara: I haven’t, but she sounds wonderful.

Juli Bauer: She’s great. So it’s a limited pool. Limited.

Cara: I’m in good company.

Juli Bauer: Yes you are. So I wanted to have you on the podcast because you’re fun. You’re a lot more fun than I am.

Cara: That’s true.

Juli Bauer: But, let’s get over yesterday and the podcast erasing. We moved everything as far away as possible so we couldn’t’ touch any cords. Because I touched a cord and that’s how it froze. We have Kathie Lee and Hoda in the background. Love them.

Cara: Love them.

Juli Bauer: Who is your favorite out of the two of them?

Cara: Hodes.

Juli Bauer: She’s so great! Brian said he doesn’t like her.

Cara: What?

Juli Bauer: What’s up with that?

Cara: He’s dumb. How could he not like her?

Juli Bauer: Right? I was like; Hoda just took Matt Lauer’s job, who sexually molested. Whatever he did. You have to like Hoda.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: She’s like a pure soul.

Cara: She’s so cute.

Juli Bauer: She just adopted a little baby.

Cara: I know. She’s so cute. How does he not like her?

Juli Bauer: Ugh, I don’t know. Did you see on the news this morning? Morgan Freeman is now getting…

Cara: What?

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Cara: But that’s not… is that a surprise to anybody? Isn’t he hooking up with his granddaughter or something?

Juli Bauer: What? Ok, rewind. Is this rumors? Hooking up with his granddaughter; what are you talking about?

Cara: I’m pretty sure he was somehow, it’s his granddaughter. Let’s look into it.

Juli Bauer: Mm, I’d rather not. That’s disgusting. Well, he’s in trouble now. So anyway, I wanted to record a podcast with Cara, and to make up for the fact it erased yesterday, we’re drinking some cold-brew coffee or regular coffee or something.

Cara: It’s your recipe. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: But it didn’t have sweet cream?

Cara: They didn’t have cold brew, so it’s just drip coffee over ice.

Juli Bauer: Oh, ok. This coffee from Just Be Kitchen; they use one of my recipes at the restaurant. Their sweet cream cold brew collagen coffee. There are like 47 words to it. So we’re going to be hopped up like a motherf*cker soon. And might have to run to the bathroom, as well. To do some things. Like urinate.

Cara: Ok. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Oh; ok, before we get started. I’ve said this for like 5 minutes already. I told you this already, but I think this is great. I talked on my Instagram stories; if you follow me on Instagram stories, I was talking about this girl at the gym who, I went to the bathroom after her. And at our gym, it’s the sketchiest f*cking nastiest bathroom.

Cara: Can you just ask her?

Juli Bauer: I don’t know her, personally. She’s a fit member, so I’ve never met her. So I go into the bathroom after her. She didn’t take a poop. You know, you can just tell when someone took a poop. She peed, but she left this lovely smell. So everyone was like; Juli. It’s poo-pourri. And everyone kept tagging me in poo-pourri. And even my nail tech was like; poo-pourri is the best.

Cara: Really?

Juli Bauer: And poo-pourri reached out to me, and they’re sending me a little care package of poo-pourri.

Cara: {laughing} I can’t wait to try it.

Juli Bauer: Me too. I’ll test it. You go poop, use poo-pourri beforehand, and I’ll walk in after you and see if I can tell.

Cara: So she’s just this dainty little girl, and she just takes this bottle with her everywhere she goes?

Juli Bauer: So that’s what I was like; ok, she has spandex on. A little tiny T-shirt. And somebody was like; there are little tiny ones.

Cara: Oh.

Juli Bauer: And also someone told me that you can use Summer’s Eve wipes and that leaves a good smell. Or you can spray your underwear with Summer’s Eve stuff.

Cara: Huh.

Juli Bauer: I’ve just never thought this much about my butthole or my underwear. It’s like; I’m sorry, I have to poop sometimes. And I’m going to poop where I need to poop.

Cara: Sometimes it’s the worst. Like, remember when you pooped at Sarah’s house, and they didn’t have matches or spray.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, and then Sarah lit a match. She was embarrassed by me. I was like what the; I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Cara: It’s the worst when you can’t cover it.

Juli Bauer: You can’t give me coffee and expect things not to happen. Or I get very nervous at the gym.

Cara: But who doesn’t have spray in their guest bedroom? Bathroom?

Juli Bauer: I don’t. I have matches.

Cara: Same thing.

Juli Bauer: Ok. That’s true. And now I’m going to put poo-pourri in there.

Cara: Yes.

Juli Bauer: Yes. Ok, I can’t wait to tell you guys how it is. I wish this was an add. That would be really cool.

Cara: It could be.

Juli Bauer: Maybe. Ok, so let’s go back to the beginning of our relationship.

Cara: OK.

Juli Bauer: That was back in 2012, I believe. Maybe I met you a little bit after, like in 2013, when Brian and I were full on boyfriend and girlfriend. So, do you remember the first time we met?

Cara: I do.

Juli Bauer: Where was it.

Cara: It was at the grand opening. The re-grand opening of Brian’s shop. Do you want to tell the story? {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Ok. I really hope Brian never listens to this podcast. Which, he doesn’t, but sometimes he randomly will listen to one. Like, I think he listened to one.

Cara: I feel like it’s been long enough.

Juli Bauer: It has been. And he’s the most busy human being on earth. He has no time to listen to his wife talk about pooping, you know.

Cara: Yeah, right.

Juli Bauer: No time. So, there was the re-grand opening because Brian’s business moved. Oh my god, my face looks like this lady’s. Oh my god, this lady is like 65; holy sh*t. That’s my face!

Cara: You kind of look like Deadpool.

Juli Bauer: Oh my god! I just got a peel and a laser treatment, and Cara told me I look like a young 65-year-old yesterday. And it’s no better today. It’s no better. Do I look any better?

Cara: No, you look like Deadpool.

Juli Bauer: Deadpool! That I got my face; oh, that’s so sad. But I love Ryan Reynolds. But we’ll talk about Deadpool later.

Ok, so Brian’s store was moving, reopening. And it’s funny because I never talk about what Brian does here, and people ask all the time and I just skip over that question. And people ask if he’s a CIA agent and that’s why I never share his face.

Cara: {Laughing} Witness protection program.

Juli Bauer: So I meet Cara and her mom. So my now mother-in-law. For the first time at this grand opening. I’m super nervous about it. It’s super scary, obviously. Hang out with them most of the day. Feel awkward; you know, the normal meeting. And then late that night, Brian decides to hop on a…

Cara: Dirt bike.

Juli Bauer: Dirt bike. I always forget what it is. A dirt bike and decides to then accidentally hit the go button, or whatever go. What’s it called?

Cara: The accelerator.

Juli Bauer: Accelerator. There we go. The go button.

Cara: The go button.

Juli Bauer: The go steering thing. Instead of the break, and he runs himself and his face into a metal fence. Not the greatest accident he’s ever had. So I’m inside with Cara and her mom, and one of Brian’s best friends walks in and says, “Juli I need to speak with you. Brian wants to talk to you.” So I go out, and Brian looks like a ghost. He looks like he died. He is Deadpool.

Cara: Bleeding from his face.

Juli Bauer: Bleeding from his face. Obviously has a concussion. He’s not doing very well. So I’m like; ok, we need to take him to a hospital. He’s like; my mom cannot know about this! She will freak the f*ck out! Because Brian and Cara’s mom is known to blow things out of proportion at times.

Cara: Yep.

Juli Bauer: Especially if your child is bleeding from the face. So Brian makes me take him home; because we’re not living together at this point. He makes me take him home to his place that he was living.

Cara: You guys don’t say bye to my mom. I’m trying to get her out, so she doesn’t know what’s happening. I’m like; we’ve just got to go. And trying to distract her and get her out of there.

Juli Bauer: And she keeps calling.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: So we just leave. I don’t even say bye to Cara or his mom that I just met for the first time. And everybody is calling, and Brian won’t answer. And I can’t answer. And I go home, and I ended up Facebooking you, right?

Cara: Yeah, you sent me a Facebook message.

Juli Bauer: Because we didn’t have each other’s numbers.

Cara: No, we had just met. And you were taking care of Brian. He has a concussion. Going to get him cleaned up, watch him through the night, make sure he doesn’t die. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: {laughs} Yeah! And at this point, Brian has a terrible concussion. He looks like sh*t. And he gets up to go to the bathroom at one point, and he faints, and hits his head again. {laughs}

Cara: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: It’s so sad. He still has a scar on his face. Did you know that?

Cara: I believe that. No.

Juli Bauer: So, yeah. It was interesting. Finally, you tell your mom, right?

Cara: Yeah, I finally told her. Because she’s like; I know something’s going on. What’s happening? And so I finally told her. And she was like; just glad that everything was ok. But we were like; you kind of freak out sometimes, and you didn’t want to see him the way he looked.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, he looked so bad. So that was my first experience with Cara. And then I met her again the second time at my brother-in-law’s high school graduation party. And I was so nervous. I didn’t know what to wear. I was at a very awkward stage of my life {laughs} because I was ending competing in CrossFit. I didn’t know how to dress. And Cara is super stylish, so I was uber nervous. And all your friends were there too; like Steph. It was very nerve wracking.

Cara: I’m sorry, boo.

Juli Bauer: Thanks. So what did you think of me when you first met me?

Cara: I loved you.

Juli Bauer: Wait, ok. Because you’ve said before that you thought I was a little young.

Cara: No, I never said that. Steph said that.

Juli Bauer: Oh. I thought you said that?

Cara: Nu-uh. Because you met Steph before I met you. And she was like; she said that. But I loved you.

Juli Bauer: And Steph is Cara’s best friend and best friends with Brian, too. So she’s like the best friend of the group.

Cara: Yeah. So you guys had met prior. She was like; I really like her, she’s just young. And she looks like Miley Cyrus. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Oh god! Ok. No joke, I was on the boat in; where was I just in the Caribbean. In Guadeloupe. And I tied that little scarf around my head, because I wanted my hair out of my face as the boat was driving. And one woman on the boat was like, “What’s up, Miley Cyrus?”

Cara: Really?

Juli Bauer: Ok. I don’t really take that as a compliment. Is it a compliment? Because I don’t.

Cara: Yeah. She’s cute. She’s pretty.

Juli Bauer: Mmm, did you hear that hesitation in your voice.

Cara: {laughs} It’s not a bad thing.

Juli Bauer: Whatever. {laughs}

Cara: But I told Brian after I met you. I was like, if you f*ck this one up, I’m choosing her over you.

Juli Bauer: Damn! That’s pretty rad.

Cara: Yeah. And he didn’t f*ck it up.

Juli Bauer: Have you ever been best friends, how we are now, with any of his ex-girlfriends.

Cara: No. Not this close. No.

Juli Bauer: Well I didn’t know, in college. Because then especially you’re partying hard. And it’s so easy to be best friends with everyone in college.

Cara: Yeah. I mean, I liked his college girlfriend. But you know, she’s not here anymore. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: {laughing} But, she’s not in the picture. So, I have to be friends with you know.

Cara and I; when Cara moved out from Nebraska. She was living in Nebraska, and she moved out here 3.5 years ago?

Cara: Yep.

Juli Bauer: Which is bananas it’s already been 3.5 years. So Cara and I didn’t know each other super well. We’d only hung out a few times. Then she moved out here, and you moved in with us in our apartment at the time. And then close, near. What am I trying to say? Right. {laughs}

Cara: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: Not long thereafter, we bought our house, and so you moved into our house with us. So you were working weird hours. Because Cara was trying to find a job, so she was just working at a bar. And you were working these weird hours, so we would have a lot of time together and you would help me take my photos a lot of those days. So we just became closer and closer. And became the bestest of friends, at this point.

Cara: I miss those days.

Juli Bauer: We hang out all the time.

Cara: I know. But I wish we had bunk beds. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Right? We could still do that.

Cara: Ok.

Juli Bauer: I mean, Cara takes care of Jackson whenever we’re out of town, if my husband and I are both out of town. She is always with him. Jackson might love her more than me. It’s close.

Cara: It’s quite possible.

Juli Bauer: It’s quite possible. So anyway. What was it like, because I think a lot of people who listen are kind of around our age, and maybe thinking of making a move or are nervous too. So what was it like moving to Colorado? Because you were living in a Podunk little small town. I guess it’s not Podunk, but it’s pretty f*cking small.

Cara: It’s small.

Juli Bauer: Like, population what?

Cara: Maybe 30-40,000.

Juli Bauer: Oh sh*t! {laughs} I was thinking like 10.

Cara: Not that small.

Juli Bauer: Because it’s a college town.

Cara: It is a college town.

Juli Bauer: So it has college people there.

Cara: For sure.

Juli Bauer: And you stayed there after college.

Cara: Mm-hmm. Longer than I had anticipated.

Juli Bauer: That’s what boyfriends do, sometimes.

Cara: It happens. Moving here was the best thing I’ve ever done. I cried the whole way here.

Juli Bauer: And you drove here, obviously.

Cara: I drove here. I cried the whole way.

Juli Bauer: I had no idea you cried the whole time.

Cara: Yeah. But it was just because I was so scared. I had never done anything like that. Moved out of Nebraska. I was so excited, but it was mostly just because; it was when I was leaving Nebraska. All my good friends, and just starting a new chapter. It was just kind of; you don’t know what to expect you know. The unexpected.

Juli Bauer: Because you have no friends out here. You just had Brian.

Cara: We have a lot of high school and college friends out here. So it was easy because we already had a network out here. But still just moving and kind of taking that leap of faith, it was just. When you had kind of been so complacent for so many years. And just comfortable. And then doing something completely; you don’t know what’s going to happen next, and just taking that leap of faith. So it was so scary. But my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

Juli Bauer: Really?

Cara: Yeah. I mean, I had tried to move out here a few times, and things had fallen through. And this time it was like; it’s happening no matter what.

Juli Bauer: You just quit your job, and just did it without even having a job lined up.

Cara: Right.

Juli Bauer: And it worked out.

Cara: It did.

Juli Bauer: And no we’re best friends!

Cara: Best friends!

Juli Bauer: Eee! So what’s your favorite part of living in Denver?

Cara: Well, Nebraska didn’t set my bar super high on standards. So there’s just so much to do out here. There’s always fun restaurants or bars. You can go to the mountains.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, you’re a big mountain girl.

Cara: We like to explore.

Juli Bauer: We’ve gone to a lot of mountain towns since Cara has been here that I’ve never even been to, and I’ve lived here in Colorado my whole life.

Cara: Yeah. So it’s so fun just do new stuff. And I think I told you this before; but if I look back at my Instagram, and it was just like; when I lived in Nebraska, all my pictures were inside. And since I’ve lived out here, you go through it and they’re all outside doing stuff. You know?

Juli Bauer: That’s so true.

Cara: So there’s just so much to do. And I love doing it all, because growing up in Nebraska, you don’t really get to do all that stuff.

Juli Bauer: And you can walk everywhere from your apartment. Which is the coolest.

Cara: Yeah, there’s so much. It’s so accessible.

Juli Bauer: So what has been the hardest part of living here? Have there been any hard parts?

Cara: I have a lot of parking tickets. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Oh my god, you do. God; Cara, I have a piece of mail for you. Cara’s mail still partly comes to our house, from when she first moved here. And there are a lot of parking ticket violation.

Cara: And tolls. The f*cking tolls.

Juli Bauer: Have you just not paid one toll and you keep getting a letter?

Cara: Why can’t they just have my information on file? Just charge it. I don’t get it.

Juli Bauer: I just don’t understand what toll roads you take? Because I think I’ve only ever taken one toll road in the 30 years I’ve lived here.

Cara: Yeah, I don’t know either.

Juli Bauer: What tolls are you on? There are no tolls.

Cara: I don’t know, sometimes I have to drive for work and go down south.

Juli Bauer: I don’t get it. That’s fair, at least.

Cara: Ok.

Juli Bauer: {laughs}

Cara: I expense it. But then I forget to pay it, and then I get late fees. It’s the worst.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. They’re going to boot your f*cking car.

Cara: I know.

Juli Bauer: That’s going to be the worst part of living in Denver, when you have a booted car.

Cara: I’m legit worried about that.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Why don’t you go and pay them?

Cara: It’s just such a hassle.

Juli Bauer: It’s gone up too high. It’s too far gone.

Cara: Yeah. I’m overwhelmed thinking about it. Anyway, parking tickets are a real thing here in Denver.

Juli Bauer: They love them.

Cara: There’s no parking anywhere, so the irony is…

Juli Bauer: Yeah, you’re f*cked no matter what. You could just be a bike rider. You could be a person who rides your bike everywhere.

Cara: Ok.

Juli Bauer: Ride your bike to; how many miles do I live away? Like 10 miles away?

Cara: Yeah, 7. It’s not so bad.

Juli Bauer: Not so bad.

Cara: Take Cherry Creek Trail.

Juli Bauer: OH yeah that’s true.

Cara: OK. I’ll go get a bike after this.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. And get snow tires.

Cara: Oh, hey! Did you see those little scooters they have around town now?

Juli Bauer: No.

Cara: They have; you know they have B-cycles. They now have scooters!

Juli Bauer: Shut up.

Cara: Likes Razors. You want to go Razor afterwards?

Juli Bauer: That sounds dangerous.

Cara: It sounds so fun.

Juli Bauer: I saw Laura yesterday, my best friend, and she has a cut on her arm from a San Diego scooter accident. Everybody gets in scooter accidents!

Cara: {laughing} Yeah.

Juli Bauer: What’s up with that? I don’t trust it. But let’s get one.

Cara: Yeah, let’s try it.

Juli Bauer: OK. I’ve always wanted to scoot around.

Cara: Like a Razor scooter? Not like motorized.

Juli Bauer: Oh. It’s a Razor scooter?

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Oh.

Cara: You’re less interested?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. What? Might as well bike. Razor scooters are stupid. I’m not 12.

Cara: Oh. It might have a motor, I don’t know. They’re brand new.

Juli Bauer: Ok, we’ll try them.

Cara: I just saw them on the walk back today.

Juli Bauer: Ok, we’ll try it.

Cara: From coffee.

Juli Bauer: Ok. I want to talk about some of the things that are happening in Hollywood. Social media realm. They’re really important stuff. Let’s first talk about the royal wedding. Because that’s on everyone’s mind. Do they get to go on a honeymoon?

Cara: I thought I read that they were going on a honeymoon.

Juli Bauer: Because they had something they had to go to.

Cara: I think it’s his dad’s birthday.

Juli Bauer: OH. I don’t know.

Cara: Yeah. He gave a speech for his dad’s birthday a couple of days after. But I don’t know. I thought I read that they were going on a honeymoon.

Juli Bauer: I wonder where they’re going. Do you think they had sex before marriage?

Cara: Yeah, of course.

Juli Bauer: Like, you’re 100%.

Cara: 100%.

Juli Bauer: Hmm. I wonder if they did? It just seems like…

Cara: Why wouldn’t they?

Juli Bauer: Well they’re just the royal family. Things are done…

Cara: He’s a party guy. She’s been married.

Juli Bauer: And what’s his face; his dad was cheating on Diana.

Cara: So that’s why they had sex?

Juli Bauer: Well it’s like he was having sex out of wedlock. Whatever, I don’t know what that means actually. What’s wedlock?

Cara: I don’t get it. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: He’s a cheater. Who do you think is hotter; Harry or whoever the other guy is?

Cara: Right now, Harry. Back in the day? The other guy. William.

Juli Bauer: Mm-hmm.

Cara: Old school William; he was handsome.

Juli Bauer: Do you think William would be hot still if he had hair?

Cara: {laughs} Yeah. He’d have a better shot. Like, why doesn’t he just get some hair?

Juli Bauer: It’s like, you have all the money in the world; get some hair plugs.

Cara: Get some hair. Yeah.

Juli Bauer: I wonder what plugs are like. I don’t even know how they do that.

Cara: I don’t either. But you look at pictures back in the day; he was quite a handsome fellow.

Juli Bauer: Real cute. Real cute. And harry was just the ugly ginger.

Cara: Yeah. But he’s kind of grown into it.

Juli Bauer: Are you attracted to gingers?

Cara: Gingers that are princes? Yes.

Juli Bauer: {laughing} Ok non-ginger princes?

Cara: No.

Juli Bauer: Me neither.

Cara: Just common day gingers?

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Cara: There are some good looking ones. But I typically like dark features on a…

Juli Bauer: Are you a big Ed Sheeran sexy kind of guy? Like, would you have sex with Ed Sheeran?

Cara: Is he singing to me?

Juli Bauer: No.

Cara: Oh, no.

Juli Bauer: If he’s singing to you, would you have sex with him?

Cara: I don’t know, I’d think about it. I’d consider it.

Juli Bauer: Oh man. He’s tough on the eyes. Great singer.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: The thing that’s really scary is; Brian, when he grows out his beard, he has a couple of red hairs in there.

Cara: I feel like a lot of guys do.

Juli Bauer: So if we ever have kids, what if we have a ginger?

Cara: Yeah. Don’t put that karma on yourself.

Juli Bauer: I’m just not into gingers. And I’m sorry; ginger babies are not cute. And I’m sorry to any of you guys out there who are gingers. I’m sure you’re very attractive. But you probably weren’t the most attractive baby. Like, Miranda’s baby in Sex and the City. That Chucky; he was Chucky.

Cara: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: That poor baby.

Cara: Yeah, it’s a tough go.

Juli Bauer: That was such; why’d they pick that baby?

Cara: But most of them have really great personalities. So. You know.

Juli Bauer: Because they’re making up for the fact they’re ginger? {laughs} My best friend is dating a ginger at this point. Jason is kind of a ginger. So if they get to work it out, they’re going to have ginger babies. I wonder if she knows that?

Cara: I think it’s a dominant trait, right?

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Cara: One of my best friend’s has red hair.

Juli Bauer: Who?

Cara: Kristi.

Juli Bauer: OH, I thought she was blonde. She’s strawberry blonde?

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Was she a horrifying baby? {laughs}

Cara: {laughing} I don’t know.

Juli Bauer: We need to get off this subject. I’ve lost at least half my following. The ginger line; trait line, is going strong at this point.

Cara: Yeah, you need to stop.

Juli Bauer: OK I’ve got to stop. So, what did you think of Megan Markle’s dress?

Cara: I love Megan Markle’s style. Just day to day; I love it.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. She’s chill as f*ck. She’s basic as f*ck.

Cara: Yeah, she’s so simple. Which, that’s so me.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, basic.

Cara: Basic and simple. I was surprised that her dress was so simple, and I was kind of confused on the fact that it didn’t fit better, for a princess. You know? You would think she would have the best fitting dress. I was surprised that it wasn’t tailored a little bit better.

Juli Bauer: Because that dress cost $150,000, I heard. How can it not be tailored so it gives you a figure?

Cara: Right. And she didn’t have a stitch of makeup on, I don’t feel like. But she rocked it.

Juli Bauer: No. She was like; hey, I’ll wear some Chapstick and four lashes.

Cara: Yeah. Good for her, you know. The whole world is watching and she’s like; hmm, nah. Au naturel.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, that’s a bold move. And good for her. I think I spent like 4 hours on my makeup for my wedding, and it looked like I wasn’t wearing that much. Which I guess is the point.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: What did you think of her second dress?

Cara: So I only saw the front of the second dress. I heard; was it backless?

Juli Bauer: I don’t know. I think it was. It looked like it would be.

Cara: But yeah, that one was really cute too. I don’t know that I would choose that one, but they’re both really simple. Which I like.

Juli Bauer: What would you choose for your dress?

Cara: Probably something I think in between those two.

Juli Bauer: In between those two? That’s a wide range.

Cara: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: It gives no detail at all.

Cara: Yeah. I don’t know. I feel like simple, but maybe form fitting. But maybe a little bit more detail. I don’t know if I want long sleeve, and I don’t want a turtleneck. You know?

Juli Bauer: No, don’t get long sleeve. Don’t do long sleeve.

Cara: Or a turtle neck.

Juli Bauer: I’m kind of cool with turtlenecks. I’m digging them. A turtleneck on your wedding day; I mean, what is sexier?

Cara: Slut.

Juli Bauer: Slut! Oh, no. That’s going to get too off topic. We’ll get there in a second. What else? What else happened for the royal wedding? I was going to talk about cake, but I’m sure you don’t know anything about the cake so I don’t care.

Cara: Do you?

Juli Bauer: Yes.

Cara: What?

Juli Bauer: It was lemon and elderflower.

Cara: Oh yeah, I did hear that.

Juli Bauer: And it was; I forget how much it was. It was very expensive. Like $100,000 cake or something stupid.

Cara: Do you think it was good?

Juli Bauer: Yes.

Cara: You do?

Juli Bauer: I bet it was just like refreshing. We should make mimosas with elderflower. I haven’t done that in a while, and that’s so good.

Cara: Ok, let’s do it.

Juli Bauer: And we have a sh*t-ton of elderflower. Because you need half a teaspoon per year.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Ok. What about; we’ll move on from the royal wedding. Because it’s last years’ news.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: It’s over.

Cara: Over and done with.

Juli Bauer: And she’s married, ok.

Cara: But don’t you think it’s kind of cool that we got to see, in our lifetime, both of them get married. And there’s not another one that really anyone gives a sh*t about.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. We’re going to be dead as f*ck by the time their kids get married.

Cara: Yeah. But we got to witness it.

Juli Bauer: We did.

Cara: And we were alive when their mother was alive. It’s just, a great time in history.

Juli Bauer: Man. And you know, since they have nothing to do with the US, it is a great time in history. Why are we so obsessed with it?

Cara: I just feel like they’re so classy.

Juli Bauer: Because US people are not.

Cara: Right. And they have fun accents. But they’re just so open with everything. I love that they come out and greet the people. And here everything is so private.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, famous people love their privacy. F*ck them.

Cara: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: {laughs} Ok.

I’m going to take a quick break to tell you a little bit more about this weeks’ sponsor, Aaptiv. Aaptiv produces audio-based workouts created by certified personal trainers available through a mobile app. One of the best parts about the Aaptiv app is that you can work out anywhere, whether you’re traveling, or you just put the baby down for a nap, or you’re just feeling like working out in your living room, Aaptiv is ready for you any time.

Aaptiv has expert trainers to help you stay motivated and get you the best results from your workout. Plus they have a variety of classes and levels, so anyone can workout no matter what point you’re at in your own life. When you open the Aaptiv app, you’ll have a ton of different workouts to choose from. Pick running workout, or maybe strength training, indoor cycling, stair climbing, yoga, or even meditation. It’s like having your own personal trainer right in your pocket.

Once you pick your workout, you’ll have a certified personal trainer walking you through your audio-based workout. Plus Aaptiv has an in-house music production team, that partners with every trainer to create music playlists that are perfectly timed to the intensity and pace of your workout. When you need an extra boost, the music keeps you going and motivated. When you need to slow things down with the intensity of the music; the music comes down with you. It’s very nice.

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I’ve used Aaptiv myself when traveling, but I mostly love it for the stretching workouts. Because I never stretch after my CrossFit classes. With Aaptiv, I can turn on the app as soon as I get home from my workout, and go through stretches in under 10 minutes. It just makes it so easy.

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Juli Bauer: Let’s talk about Jersey Shore Reboot.

Cara: Yes!

Juli Bauer: How are you feeling about it so far?

Cara: Ok, I’m on board.

Juli Bauer: I love it.

Cara: This has turned into our pre-family night bachelor tradition.

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Cara: You and I usually watch Jersey Shore before Brian gets home.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Because Brian gets very angry.

Cara: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: He gets very angry when the Bachelor or Bachelorette is on.

Cara: He got on board a little bit towards the Bachelorette.

Juli Bauer: He tried. But he saw the worst season, too.

Cara: Yeah, it was terrible.

Juli Bauer: It’s not worth watching.

Cara: But he is not on board with Jersey Shore.

Juli Bauer: No. Which is so weird, because those characters are the best.

Cara: They’re so fun. So we usually try and sneak that in before he gets home. Have dinner. Then watch New Girl. But I’m on board with the reboot.

Juli Bauer: It’s so good.

Cara: It’s so fun.

Juli Bauer: Before I forget, have you seen the commercial for the new Bachelorette season.

Cara: No.

Juli Bauer: Oh my god, it’s super annoying. It’s the normal roses falling from the sky, and she’s like; let’s do the damn thing.

Cara: Do the damn thing. That’s her thing.

Juli Bauer: That’s it. That’s all we get.

Cara: Ok.

Juli Bauer: Jackson’s face is so close to the microphone. If you can hear him breathing. Ok, so Jersey Shore has been a train wreck. Because everyone, all these people pretty much have kids. And so now they’re away from their kids, and they are going ham.

Cara: Ham!

Juli Bauer: Because a lot of your friends have kids. Is this what your friends do?

Cara: When they’re not with their kids, I feel like they just black out. Drink their faces off.

Juli Bauer: Pee everywhere.

Cara: {laughs} Pee everywhere.

Juli Bauer: When we were in Mexico 5 years ago; which is crazy it was 5 years ago. That was when Brian and I made it serious, because I was going to a wedding with him. I was hanging out with all of his friends. Destination wedding in Mexico. And so all of his friends there all have kids. So they are going ham! And we get back from a catamaran tour, and one of the chicks pulls her dress up, at the hotel. At this beautiful hotel we’re staying at. And she pisses in the fountain.

Cara: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: One of the other guys is pissing in the fountain.

Cara: People are peeing everywhere.

Juli Bauer: Peeing everywhere! And then one breaks over a light pole.

Cara: Yeah, the whole pole comes crashing down.

Juli Bauer: It was quite dramatic.

Cara: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: All those friends were so intense. It was like I was an 18-year-old. And I was like that too.

Cara: At any given time you could look around, and somebody was either; some guy was pissing their pants, or girls were peeing in the fountain. Or someone was peeing somewhere else.

Juli Bauer: There was a lot of peeing. Peeing in the bed, I’m sure.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Was that the wedding that our friend Tommy, who married us. You were staying with Tommy? And he got the worst sunburn, and got so drunk that security just threw him in the room?

Cara: That’s the one.

Juli Bauer: See, that was such a mess. And he was so embarrassed. He was like; grumpy the rest of the trip because he was sunburned and embarrassed about his night one. Yeah. Really grown up. So pretty much like Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore has been amazing. Do you love this guy lifting?

Cara: It makes me feel so weird.

Juli Bauer: He’s not even standing up. Stand up all the way you pussy ass b*tch! He was doing a deadlift. Some random guy trying to break records on TV. Don’t care. So with Jersey Shore, who is your favorite character?

Cara: Pauly D!

Juli Bauer: The best.

Cara: So good.

Juli Bauer: His hair is so good.

Cara: It’s the worst.

Juli Bauer: Oh it’s so good.

Cara: Why couldn’t he just do the hipster Colorado coif? Like, you know.

Juli Bauer: I know, that’s big in Colorado.

Cara: He’s got good hair. Why doesn’t he just do that? Like the Ferris.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Ferris has great hair.

Cara: He does.

Juli Bauer: And could you imagine having sex with him and grabbing his hair?

Cara: It’s just hard.

Juli Bauer: Ugh!

Cara: It’s like plastic.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, like spikes go into your hand and you have to cut it out?

Cara: Yeah. Because I like playing with guys hair; you can’t do that with him.

Juli Bauer: Nope. It feels like a metal slate. It’s all I can picture.

Cara: Yeah. But good for him.

Juli Bauer: Speaking of guys; how’s your dating life going?

Cara: {laughing} That’s a nice little segue, huh?

Juli Bauer: {laughs} Because, I’ve tried to pawn Cara off on this podcast, and somebody reached out to me, because she has a brother in Idaho Springs that she’s trying to pawn off. And we can put them together. I emailed her back, but she hasn’t emailed me back. A lot of times my emails go to spam. So if you’re listening to this now, look at your spam folder and email me back. We can chat. And we’ll do a little set up. But, he’s a mountain man so he could be a creep. But you like the mountains.

Cara: I like my odds. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Yeah. So how’s dating been here in Colorado.

Cara: Oh man, dating. So, I’m dating.

Juli Bauer: {laughing}

Cara: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Are you dating a guy right now?

Cara: Yes. But not exclusively. But dating in general. Dating has been interesting. I went on a date, and one of the guy’s mother accompanied us. {laughing}

Juli Bauer: What? When did this happen?

Cara: I told you about this. It’s not as weird as it sounds. I know his mom. But it was still a set up.

Juli Bauer: That’s really weird.

Cara: Yeah. And his mom is a gem. But it was still a lot. I mean, who goes on a date with your mom?

Juli Bauer: Yeah, that’s my worst nightmare.

Cara: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: My very worst nightmare. Not your mom. She’s great. Oh, mom, I love you if you’re listening. {laughs}

Cara: {laughs} So it’s been interesting.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Not the most fun process?

Cara: No, I hate dating. It’s the worst.

Juli Bauer: And Cara is not the person to go on Match or Bumble or Tinder. She’s not a dating app kind of gal. She’s like; hey, if it’s going to happen it will happen, type of thing.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Super chill about it. When I was dating, I was like; this is literally the worst, I’m going to die alone style.

Cara: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: And you’re the complete opposite. You’re super chill about it. You don’t freak out. You just live your life. And if someone comes along; cool. If not; cool. You’re really chill about that.

Cara: Thank you.

Juli Bauer: I have to pee so bad now. Jackson peed on Cara’s shoes.

Cara: Yeah, what the f*ck?

Juli Bauer: Cara; Jackson went up to pee in this tall grass, and Cara’s foot was underneath the tall grass.

Cara: Just minding my own business.

Juli Bauer: He’s not like a dog who pees on…

Cara: Yeah, he didn’t do it on purpose. That’s why it’s ok. But still, he full on peed on my foot. And then he came back over to smell like; I did that.

Juli Bauer: That’s such a shame. Ok, can we talk about Nikki Bella and John Cena. Are they or aren’t they?

Cara: On or off?

Juli Bauer: On.

Cara: I saw a picture of them in LA recently grabbing coffee. So I think they’re trying to work through it.

Juli Bauer: I really like John Cena.

Cara: I do too.

Juli Bauer: From everything on TV, he seems like a control freak in many aspects of his life. His house is incredibly clean. I guess if you’re rich as f*ck, you just have someone who does that.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: That would be a real cool life to live.

Cara: As the cleaners are at your house. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: That’s true. I do have cleaners at my house. But he has cleaners daily. Your house just doesn’t look like that.

Cara: That’s true. I think that’s why they broke up, because he’s such a control freak. And she was just like; I can’t be in your world anymore.

Juli Bauer: You have to be in mine.

Cara: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: I used to think wrestling was super dumb until I started watching Total Divas and Total Bellas. And now I’m like; ok, I’ll watch Monday night RAW.

Cara: You’re into it.

Juli Bauer: I’m into it.

Cara: Good!

Juli Bauer: Because now I feel like I know the characters. The actual people.

Cara: Yeah, you’re invested.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Because it’s like football. All these guys look the exact same. They’re either fat or not. They all have helmets and bubble butts. How am I supposed to connect with these people?

Cara: Can’t relate.

Juli Bauer: No! I don’t care if it has their name on their jersey. I don’t know who the f*ck snagger-snogger is. I don’t know who that is.

Cara: I don’t either.

Juli Bauer: But if I have a face to someone, and I have a backstory of this person who lost his mom and is working to have; I don’t know. You know what I mean? You want to know a story.

Cara: Backstory.

Juli Bauer: And reality TV gives me that story.

Cara: It sure does! {laughs} Whether it’s true or not, it gives you a story.

Juli Bauer: It’s hard to know.

Cara: Yep. You’re invested. It’s working.

Juli Bauer: Did you see the episode on Total Bellas; and the answer is no because you don’t watch TV really. Where Bree Bella gives birth.

Cara: No.

Juli Bauer: Man. She did not make it look fun.

Cara: {laughs} I believe that.

Juli Bauer: And nobody has in the history of time that I’ve noticed, except for Kourtney Kardashian.

Cara: Yeah, no one is like; oh, it was great.

Juli Bauer: Kourtney Kardashian. Remember when she pushed it out, and pulled the baby out of her vaginal core onto her chest.

Cara: Yeah. She was like; I’ll take it from here, doc. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. So Bree Bella did not do that. She had a mirror, so she was watching it the whole time, really trying to push this baby out. And the head would crown, I think, a little bit and it would go back in. Like; what’s something. Like prairie dogging.

Cara: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: {laughing} That’s what it was. And it probably was prairie dogging, because your vagina and your butt become one. One hole.

Cara: That sounds so terrible.

Juli Bauer: So, she’s pushing forever. And I was very emotional on my period that night and I ended up crying, watching this scene. Because it’s just a beautiful thing, yet 100% not beautiful.

Cara: Yeah, you love birth and the experience of motherhood.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, I love babies. Yeah, I’m huge into motherhood and having kids and all that. It was very weird; I don’t know why I cried. But that was a really intense scene. She ended up having a C-section because her prairie dogging ways weren’t working.

Cara: That sounds so terrible.

Juli Bauer: So terrible! You just ripped your vagina almost off, and then you just go in for a C-section. So your vagina and your…

Cara: Did you hear that Crissy Teigan said with her first child she tore from, like, all the way to her butthole?

Juli Bauer: Ugh.

Cara: You’re right. It just becomes one.

Juli Bauer: One hole. So it’s like your intestine and your vagina. Just all that bacteria creeping together. How do you recover from that?

Cara: I don’t think you do. Do you?

Juli Bauer: Do you have any friends that you can talk to one on one? Can Steph talk about her butthole?

Cara: Steph will definitely tell us.

Juli Bauer: Maybe I’ll have her on the podcast.

Cara: Steph, call in.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, call in Steph. {laughs} Please talk about your butthole. Take some time off of work. Ok. That’s enough of Nikki Bella. Who cares. I care, but whatever. Let’s talk about; I have to pee so bad so now I’m super hopped up on coffee and have to pee.

What about Ashley I and Jared from the Bachelor?

Cara: Oh my gosh, I’m obsessed with them. I have watched;

Juli Bauer: I need to watch it still.

Cara: So, I’ve only seen the snippets on the 1 minute you get on Instagram. But I think there’s a 40-minute segment.

Juli Bauer: Ok, why?

Cara: On YouTube or something.

Juli Bauer: What do they do for 40 minutes?

Cara: Tell the story of them. I don’t know.

Juli Bauer: That’s weird.

Cara: Anyway, I’m kind of obsessed with them. I’m so happy for them. Unless they’re f*cking with us and it’s all publicity. Nothing is real anymore.

Juli Bauer: Nothing is. We were talking about, on the first episode of this podcast that will never be aired. We were talking about if Nikki Bell and John Cena was a publicity stunt. Like, breaking up and doing their whole; “We have agreed to part ways.” It’s like; do you have to do an Instagram post about that? I don’t know. Whatever. I have agreed to part ways with gluten. Am I going to start talking about that on Instagram, just like that?

Cara: We respect each other, but.

Juli Bauer: {laughs} But gluten does not respect my butthole. There is so much butthole talk.

Cara: Please respect our privacy during this different time.

Juli Bauer: I’m sweating so much.

Cara: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: So much coffee. So, Ashley I and Jared are very cute.

Cara: How do you feel about it?

Juli Bauer: I think they’re adorable. I’m not going to watch 40 minutes of their love story. Sure, I’ll listen to it on a podcast. YouTube?

Cara: I think she has a channel.

Juli Bauer: Ok. I should really do things.

Cara: Anyway. I’ve heard them on two podcasts. I’ve watched all their Instagram stories. I’m kind of obsessed with them.

Juli Bauer: Ok. I can’t wait anymore, so this is going to be the perfect time to take an ad break! {laughs}

While I take this much needed coffee break, let’s talk about this weeks’ sponsor, Fab Fit Fun. Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box with full size beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products. It retails for $49.99, but always has a value over $200. Use code PaleOMG for $10 off your first box at FabFitFun.com.

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Juli Bauer: We’re back. I feel so much better. So we’re back. Get off your phone; this is a serious moment.

Cara: Oh, sorry. I didn’t know.

Juli Bauer: So do you think they’ll get married?

Cara: Who?

Juli Bauer: Ashley I and Jared.

Cara: Yeah, they should just get married. They shouldn’t even date, they should just go straight to marriage.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Are they going to be your new favorite couple? My favorite couple has always been Kaitlyn and Shaun. Are they going to be your new favorite couple?

Cara: We’ll see. I can’t give that to them quite yet. They’ve got to step up their game a little bit. You know; we need to see a pan out.

Juli Bauer: They look really cute.

Cara: They do.

Juli Bauer: How tall is he, do you think? He looks tall. I imagine her as tall. And he looks taller. I love tall guys.

Cara: Yeah, who doesn’t, am I right?

Juli Bauer: Short guys, I just can’t get down to. Literally. {laughs}

Cara: We’re offending everybody.

Juli Bauer: I know! Short guys and gingers. I wonder how many short gingers listen to my podcast. Guys. Guys. Literally 0%. But, I like a tall guy. What’s your favorite height for a male?

Cara: Taller than me, with heels. I’m always in heels, right?

Juli Bauer: How tall are you?

Cara: Like 5; how tall are you? 5’6”, 5’7”?

Juli Bauer: 7.

Cara: I feel like we’re pretty similar, right?

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Cara: So if they’re taller than me in heels; cool.

Juli Bauer: What if they’re the same height as you in heels?

Cara: It’s fine.

Juli Bauer: It’s tough.

Cara: It’s tough. Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Laura can’t wear heels because Jason is the same height as her.

Cara: Right. But, I don’t know. I was dating this guy who was kind of short. Just in general, and I put heels on I was like; I felt like he had to stand on his tippy toes to kiss me. Which should be the opposite.

Juli Bauer: Why does that feel so weird? And some people aren’t weirded out by it.

Cara: Yeah. I’m like; this can’t happen.

Juli Bauer: I love that Brian is tall. If we ever have babies, we’ll have tall babies. And that’s so great.

Cara: That is really great.

Juli Bauer: Because I feel like every population keeps getting shorter, because people marry shorter people. And then everybody keeps getting shorter and marries shorter people, who marry shorter people who marry shorter people.

Cara: Well, it’s on you now to repopulate the tall population.

Juli Bauer: It’s all on me.

Cara: It’s all on you.

Juli Bauer: {laughing} And my butthole birth. Oh man.

Cara: Get on it.

Juli Bauer: Ok, well I can’t wait to see how that relationship pans out.

Cara: I know me too.

Juli Bauer: And I can’t wait to see the new season of the Bachelorette. I think it starts maybe this week.

Cara: Soon.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, I heard it was the end of May.

Cara: I’m so excited.

Juli Bauer: I listen to Reality Steve; don’t worry, I don’t know anything. I skipped over. But he did talk about how they were doing the final date this past week.

Cara: Fun, I’m excited.

Juli Bauer: The proposal, or whatever.

Cara: So much for family night. Jersey Shore, New Girl.

Juli Bauer: I know, Brian is literally going to not come home anymore.

Cara: Bachelorette.

Juli Bauer: Especially now he can golf all the time.

Cara: Yeah, he’s just going to be golfing anyways.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. That’s our new family night. Him golfing and us hanging out.

Cara: {laughs} Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Ok so let’s talk about some stuff you’re into.

Cara: Ok.

Juli Bauer: Ok, let’s first start with products. Are you into any products lately?

Cara: So I know that you recently posted about self-tanner. Are you; I know you linked it, but I did not swipe up.

Juli Bauer: {laughs} God dammit Cara.

Cara: Is it San Tropez?

Juli Bauer: Wait, I almost sent you this picture. We were talking about; I did an Instagram post recently and I’m like; I love self-tanner. Blah, blah, blah. I’m going to link the tanner here. And people were like; what’s the self-tanner? And I’m like; I literally linked it. And then this person wrote; do you use self-tanner? Are you f*cking high?

Cara: I saw one of those posts, and one of the girls said; what brand. And she literally had to read your post to know you were talking about self-tanner. And you write in there; I’m going to link the self-tanner. So I felt bad for you.

Juli Bauer: It’s the worst. There were like 47 comments like that. I was like; I can’t make it easier!

Cara: So was it San Tropez?

Juli Bauer: Yes. That’s my favorite.

Cara: Yes. Ok, I love that stuff so much

121 episodes available. A new episode about every 7 days averaging 62 mins duration .