Episode 062: What To Do When You’re Having a Hard Time Liking Your Strong-Willed Child

Parent With a Pro

This month, we're talking about how having a strong-willed child can affect other family relationships. Today we're going to talk about something that I've seen brought up several times but not really ever addressed in a in a helpful way. The reality that sometimes we don't like our strong-willed child. We love our children passionately and we would do anything for them! But sometimes our strong-willed children are so challenging that we can start to foster some negative feelings towards our child. We have Laura Tesch with us today to talk about what to do when we’re having a hard time liking our strong-willed child. As a reminder, Laura not only has her degree in Child and Family Studies, but she also has six kids of her own. Two of her six kids are strong-willed children. Here’s what she has to say: LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Have you ever had a hard time liking your strong-willed children? I have. I really have. We're not always going to like our children and they're not always going to like us. That's something we just have to acknowledge. Once you acknowledge that, then you can start to figure out why. Do you ever feel shame that you have a hard time liking your strong-willed child? Absolutely! But the first thing I want to get across to people is we don't need to feel shame. The more you can let go of the shame, the better you are going to feel. Believe it or not, when we're feeling bad about ourselves, we may redirect that shame back at our child. We may think “If it weren't for you, I wouldn't feel this shameful feeling. It’s your fault I feel like a bad parent.” Not liking your child from time to time is a normal part of life. Do not add to the challenge of that experience by throwing shame on top of it. Let go of the guilt. What should you do after you let go of the shame? Now that you’ve let go of the shame, it’s time to start investigating WHY you are having a hard time liking your child. Is it because of their behavior? Is it because you feel it’s their fault you’re losing your patience? Is it because you wish they were an easier child? Really dig deep and start to understand what’s at the root of your negative feelings? Realize that it’s not your child you don’t like, it’s their negative behavior. This is hard when your child’s behavior feels so intentional and personal. I understand, I have to fight this constantly myself. However, when you start to separate the two, you can see things differently. You can see that your child’s behavior is the problem, not your child. You can start to see what is good and enjoyable about your child. Ask yourself if you blame your child for your unhappiness. I don’t know about you, but I noticed a lot of changes in myself after adding a strong-willed child to my family. I noticed that I was: Less patient More irritable Tired Angry Spending more energy on my strong-willed child than anyone else in my family Without even realizing it, I found that I didn’t like my strong-willed child because it seemed that she brought out the WORST in me. When that happened, I felt like a horrible person and a crappy mom. Pretty soon, I was subconsciously thinking some really negative thoughts towards my strong-willed child. Do you relate to any of the following thoughts? “Before you, I was a good mom” “Before you, I wasn’t tired” “Before you, I had patience” “Before you, I wasn’t judged by other parents” “Before you, I didn’t dread getting up every morning” Parenting a strong-willed child can get your mind stuck in this kind of negative thinking. It can even make us start to resent our strong-willed child or blame them for what we are feeling. I call this a negative thinking trap. This particular trap is called the “blame” trap. I was essentially blaming my child for my emotions. I was saying that my child had CONTROL over my happiness and that it was her fault I was miserable.