Are they a gaslighter, or just an a$$hole?

Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Do you ever wonder if the behavior another person is doing is a gaslighting behavior or something else? Many of the old definitions of gaslighting are vague, and as a result, have generated a lot of confusion and mis-labeling. Sometimes, people ARE doing gaslighting behaviors. Sometimes, they’re just being an asshole. In this episode, I’ll give you some beginning tips to help you sort out what is what.

If you missed it last week, I’m running a special until January 31, where you can get 50% off my Deconstructing Gaslighting Awareness video course by using the code: Season2Pod.

Last week I talked about my new definition, and how it helps us see that gaslighting CAN be gaslighting BOTH when someone is intentionally doing it AND when they don’t realize they’re doing it.

This week let’s talk about what it takes for something to be gaslighting vs the person is just straight-up being an asshole.

• My definition = behavior & experience
• Behavior has to be covert = hidden
• The gaslighter doesn’t have to be aware that what they are doing is a covert behavior - it can be a learned behavior, a defense mechanism to shame or fear, as well as a number of other things.
• Experience has to be CONVINCED or take on the gaslighter's perceptions/beliefs/thoughts/feelings – as your own
• Two ways something that is NOT gaslighting, but is mistaken for it:

1. The intended victim doesn’t bend; they don’t take on what the gaslighting person is trying to convince them of
2. The behavior the “offender” is doing, while maybe mean/cruel/abusive, it NOT covert.

Top Take-Aways: (5-10 min)

1. So much of what happens with gaslighting results in confusion and self-doubt. I propose a top take-away is that the more you know and understand about gaslighting, the less likely you are to get sucked into gaslighting experiences.
2. Reflecting on the second example I gave, and how the woman did NOT bend, I suggest using this question when you are confused or feeling that self-doubt: "Whether or not I’m 100% correct in my thoughts/beliefs/perspective, how would a loving, caring, thoughtful (partner, friend, parent) respond?"
3. A mantra for self-validation and grounding yourself in truth: “Whether my person is gaslighting me or just being an asshole, this behavior is not okay. I deserve to be loved well.”

If you want to understand more about the things I’ve been talking about in my

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Remember – you may have crashed and burned; been broke and hurt, but damn it, You’re a phoenix and you’re rising again. I think it’s time we fly.