EP 141: Getting to Zero - Resolving Conflict and Practicing Vulnerability in Relationships with Jayson Gaddis

Sex Birth Trauma with Kimberly Ann Johnson

In this episode, Kimberly and Jayson discuss solving relationship conflict through tools and practices Jayson has developed through his work. They talk about healthy relationships maintaining a comfortable baseline where all issues are addressed and resolved. Jayson describes practical ways that include listening, validating, and taking ownership of issues as skills to create long-lasting and satisfying relationships both romantic and platonic, as well as the difference between healthy relationships and codependent ones. Through using the skills Jayson describes, we can shift culture in how we relate to and validate each other.

Bio

Jayson Gaddis is a relationship expert, coach, founder of the Relationship School, host of The Relationship School podcast, has an M.A. in psychology, and is a dad of two. His work includes effective coaching and provides practical tools and skills that everyone can use to impact their relationships. Jayson’s new book “Getting to Zero” can be pre-ordered through his website linked below.

What They Share

--Finding a partner willing to grow and be mutually invested

--Healthy versus codependent relationships

--Tools for solving heated conflicts from “Getting to Zero”

--Addressing uncomfortable conversations

What You’ll Hear

--Monogamy as a spiritual path for personal growth

--Ask what you believe you’re wired for (one intimate partner or more)

--Stereotypes of non-commital hetero men

--Identify who you are and what you really want deeply

--Two types of people (willing and unwilling)

--Willingness is a spectrum, identify a willing person

--Usually pain inspires movement and growth

--Misinterpreting others’ attachment styles causes conflict

--Two willing people understand attachment styles of other as a journey

--Codependency doesn’t have mutual exchange

--Healthy attachment is mutual effort and engagement

--Many relationships have codependent element where only one person does emotional labor

--New book “Getting To Zero” highlights method of working and repairing through conflict in relationship

--Failed attempts of conflict resolution dealt with quick apologies and time without meaningful repair

--Creating a clear, clean vibe within relationship leaving nothing unaddressed

--Created School and goes into schools to work with adolescents in relational literacy

--LUFU (Listening to the other Until you Feel Understood)

--Validate partner’s feelings, claim ownership in partner’s issue

--”That makes sense” as a validating response

--One at a time, most resourced person listens first, if partner feels heard

--Conflict resolution is a practice which takes time and effort

--Need to relearn how to listen and speak to others while under stress

--Nester-meditation (Number, Emotion, Sensation, Thought, Resource) during stress

--Discomfort threshold and being okay with discomfort, shame, guilt, anger, etc.

--Overly bearing emotional work for relationship undermines partner’s growth and enables them to stay stuck

--Resentment signals going past responsibility in emotional work of relationship

--Community to help us see our patterns

--Identify healthy discomfort versus unhealthy discomfort

--Understanding inner conflict and outer conflict and how they impact each other

--Knowing when to bring up unresolved issues with friends and romantic relationships

--High-stakes relationships with mutual investment needs truth-telling

--Lead with vulnerability in difficult conversations

--Becoming a competent relational leader with time and practice to handle adversity and discomfort

--”Stand for three” (self, partner, and relationship) necessary for lasting relationships

Resources

Website: jaysongaddis.com

IG: @therelationshipschool