Manage episode 181476411 series 94360
A tale for women who keep dating the "wrong guy", please read to the end.
For moms whose daughter keeps "picking" the "wrong men".
For all dads, please read this too.
It's the first time I am writing a post for Father's Day.
I was going to skip it all together to be honest with you because I believe my mother actually deserves a father of the year award.
For years I subscribed to a narrative that I didn't have a father who cared about me. Because at some point he left the family and he left me because he didn't care. Whether it was because I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough or just plain enough to be worthy of love from my own father.
Well, he didn't just leave once, he left a few times my child brain remembers. Every time he would come back I would trust him less and less and it would be better not to get my hopes is of him staying again. So I clung on to every second with him just to be in his presence and sure enough he left again and again ages 7,11,15 and at 16 I moved to the states. I never asked questions and I never really told anyone this was an "issue" for my childhood brain. After I moved we didn't speak again until I was 23 years old.
He missed all the important dates, and hasn't given me a birthday gift since I was 12 because there was always a bullshit money excuse.
He didn't know my boyfriends names and wasn't there to threaten to kill anyone lol when boys were mean to me.
He didn't sit in the audience or bring me flowers... for any graduation. Not from 9th grade in russia, not in college, not for my masters.
He wasn't there for music school concerts, dance shows, talent shows, fitness shows, pageants, award ceremony, language competition wins and he never made a glittery with my name on it to cheer me up.
He never sat across from me just listening to my dreams, hopes and aspirations to just "be" there for love and support or a kind word.
He didn't teach me how to drive, he never made me breakfast, he didn't get dragged through all the mall stores with me picking out the perfect prom dress and he's never sent me off to a sleepover with a concerned look on his face whether I'm gonna be drunk and stupid or not. (Yes )
He didn't know my career path and not a day went by I thought about including him back in my life because of the enormous amount of pain his absence has caused me.
Enormous Amounts Of Pain His Absence Caused Me
At 23 I realized that the phone worked both ways.
You ring people and they answer And they ring you and you answer
But one of you has to pick up the phone.
And despite all the pain it has caused me, I dialed.
It was all surface for about 3 years. He was building a business and I was so terrified of him dropping off the face of the Earth again, I kept it simple stupid. Cliches, facts, weather, biz ideas, what's for lunch.... He truly was no closer to me then my hair dresser and truly Trevor probably knew more about me.
Because what's the point if he's going to leave again anyway, right?
Things went from like warm to holly shit this makes sense after about 6 month in relationship coaching. That's what I called my psychotherapist just not to call her a shrink.
I remember driving to Vegas to see my best friend who's probably the best father in the world I know Bobby Agron listening to an audio book called
Somewhere on hour 6 after 15 coffees, seventeen pee stops and enough turkey jerky to become a turkey myself, i had a massive revelation in the chapter where a woman spoke about a grieving process after he dad had passed and what she wish she could have shared with him.
What's she would have told him What they would have done together The memories she wishes they could create And whether he would say when he's see her beautiful babies again
It hit me so hard I had to pull over.
It wasn't the turkey jerky that needed to come out yall.
It was the fact I was an ungrateful little hurt child who's father a perfectly alive, breathing and available to be here for me at any time.
It was also coincidentally during the time I was arguing with my then boyfriend about us not being able to coordinate a vacation together.
Yep. 1st world problems.
I picked up the phone and reluctantly hit "call" button to consult my "absent" father about my boy problems.
To my surprise this was to date the most valuable piece of advice I had ever heard. Fuck cosmo and relationship coaches, I got myself a father!
It was the closest moment we have ever had because it required for me to be open, honest and share my feelings so my dad could step in and actually be dad.
Note: I had to drop my beliefs that he was unavailable and give him space to BE a father.
In all actuality I didn't even know what dads do. I legit have asked on fb before about what dad and daughters to together.
This post is really hard.
Mainly because we are all human and because for a woman the most important figure in her life is her dad.
That is the standard of being and living for everything.
For men and what she will require to give another man access to her heart, her body and her precious world. Will she be inclined to be with a man who cherishes her feelings or chase after boys and "work" for love?
For work and what she will chose to be and do for a living. Will she be inclined to enjoy her work, think big and dream or will she constantly run the roller coaster of proving herself?
For her body and how she chooses to treat herself. Will she believe this is the most precious beautiful being despite her unruly hair or will she torture herself with a roller coaster of diets just to get validation from the scale or her husband.
You see, this is really fucking important.
Because we either marry our dads or complete opposite of our dads.
For a daughter her father is her first love and her foundation for "the best things will be in her precious world".
Dads shape what we think about ourselves, what we deserve in this world and whether believe with our whole being that we are enough.
And then it ultimately shapes what we can receive from a man.
Last year I dated the most incredible man of all time. He was a multiple six figure earner, graduate from a top university, tall, handsome, funny, well traveled, well spoken, from an incredible family, shredded to pieces "hello 12 pack" and he really really really wanted to love me.
This is completely outside of my "type" of really "busy" entrepreneurs building their "dream".. without me.. and hoping I could get squeezed into their packed schedule.
And .... i couldn't love him back.
I sabotaged the whole thing, jumped into my fast car and was gone with the wind. I ran away so fast I forgot all my bags and had to come back and relive the self sabotaging good bye 2x. In hind sight it was probably universe saying "clean it up and try again".
I ran away even faster. I believe my wheels spun as fast as latest fast and furious movie scene.
Holly shit Zlata ... consciously he was incredible and unconsciously I'd sabotage every move. I'd find issues. Including how loudly he was breathing sitting all handsome across the way from me in a restaurant.
My unconscious mind didn't believe I was worthy of love because I didn't know love could be something outside of endless bickering, sarcastic side jokes, occasional ok sex or fixing all your life's problems.
Just like I didn't know what dads do, I certainly had no idea when men do either. Or how healthy relationships function ...
This showed up everywhere.
Not just in relationships.
There is a reason a woman dates the same man over and over and over again.
Up until recently they might as well have had the same name because the type was the same.
Unavailable for love
Just like I was.
(This is when I start wondering if ex's are reading. Just side note - thank you for being you there are many wonderful things about you)
Unavailable for unconditional love, support and feeling cherished and to show respect.
Why am I sharing this with you?
Well because crying alone sucks and sharing this makes me feel human.
And the fact that I know many women I know can benefit from reading this and start feeling a little less crazy about our stupid dieting tendencies, being frustrated because we can't date nice guys and wondering when we stay working seriously stupid jobs for so long that don't appreciate us.
Blame yo daddy
It really comes down to this.
Taking personal responsibility for knowing why we do things the way we do them and how it influences our way of being in life. With men or just with ourselves.
Call it wounds, call it traumas, call it unconscious conditioning, call it the imposter syndrome.
Whatchamawannacallit, it's running our life.
I wanted to share this with you because while my father isn't winning father or the year award this year, he might next year. I just have to give him the opportunity to love me again and give him the space to show up for me. Because every time I do, he shows up.
"Well, that's just your dad"
No, he's not exclusive converted best dad of the year to be.
See my father didn't have a father so he doesn't know how to love me in actions but I believe to my core he does love me and every time he did leave it was the only thing he could possibly do at that time. I wasn't there, there might have been better options but there isn't "Fatherhood" school to attend where they teach you these things. I wish there was!
It took a first text message on Viber to say hello which took me swallowing my pride
It took a first phone call to get past the awkward stage of I haven't spoken to you in 7 years
It took starting to send pictures and hoping he would reply of things that make my daily life my daily life
It took courage to say "hi" when we lost touch for a few weeks
It took perspective to see that he is still here, he isn't dead to me to pick up the phone and feel safe to share my feelings.
It took eight months of therapy to understand why I couldn't have a relationship longer then 3 months.
It took hours, I mean hours of reading and courses and books and lessons to stop hating all men for being stupid assholes who are selfish little bitches. ( Holly shit was I wrong?!!!!)
It took hours of forgiveness meditations, months of journaling to wrap my head around some guy (dad) being this important in my life.
It took loving my dad for who he is as a human regardless of what he has done vs I wish he had done. He's a visionary, brave, courageous, well intentioned, kind, funny, warm jokester who is fun to go with anywhere... whether I'm driving to la or Las Vegas or walking down the street.
It took opening my mouth, my heart and my soul to open up about a problem so small and so big to my coach and cry for three hours to get this bullshit narrative out of my subconsciously mind with my coach Zach Luczynski. It was even harder to get yet another break up voicemail right after our session last week to ground mysel into faith that this will get better and that I am worthy of unconditional love and that I can do the same to being of opposite sex.
Women who are reading this to the end, yes this man is this important.
There is no such thing as an unavailable man. There is only such thing as a woman with no standards
Do the work please, it takes courage to love ourselves in the process, it takes courage to love men, it takes courage to trust men, it's takes courage to love bravely, it takes courage to say no to someone and yes to ourselves, it takes courage to shift this, it takes courage to want to want to do this because i will be completely honest with you, this was hard and easy at the same time.
The moment I lost a narrative that my father was dead to me, I got a father who shows up the best way he can.
The moment I lose a narrative that all men are idiots, I made the most extraordinary connections with the most extraordinary men.
The moment I realized I didn't want to keep doing this to myself and got help, my world has dramatically shifted only for the better.
The moment I realized I was a strong independent woman who don't need no man, I truly understood why men don't "give" me anything. I just wasn't able or willing to receive .. anything from a male.
Dads, you are your daughters whole wide world.
You ARE the world.
You want to feel as the best dad in the world?
We don't need grand gestures to feel loved, money doesn't buy love.
Your presence, undivided attention, kind words and little gestures make you our dad.
Remind us often of what you know is already true.
We love you so much.
If you haven't spoken to you dad in years, please try. If your dad is here, love him for who he is If you are mad at your dad for old shit he did, he is human too, we are all doing our best If your dad isn't here, celebrate a husband or another amazing man in your life. Your daddy is always there everywhere you go.
This is a wonderful day to remember to say thank you and I love you to another human.
I hope we really don't need a date on the calendar to practice unconditional love for another being.
With love and light
Daughter of an extraordinary father of the year to be.
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