101: The Talk of Shame

She Doesn’t Settle

Well, here we are at Episode 101, and as we begin the journey through our next 100 episodes, I want to start with a topic that is a part of all our lives, and which we really need to address. The concept of shame, how it shows up for us, and what we can do about it represent critical components in our mental, physical, and emotional health as well as our ability to achieve the success we deserve. Today, I want to share some important research regarding the storm we know as shame, illustrated with some examples from my own life as well.

First off, I have a crucial question I need you all to ask yourselves, and then we’ll look at the definition of shame, the importance of making healthy connections, the concepts of shame and guilt, and we’ll delve into some of Brene Brown’s work in this area. We’ll also examine the difference in shame for men and women, what happens when we experience shame, how to respond deliberately to it, and the theory of shame resilience. To finish up, I’ll walk you through the 4 steps that allow you to acknowledge and move through it all. Shame is an aspect of life which we all face, as the many examples from my own life clearly demonstrate, so it is an area that needs our deliberate attention, and that is exactly what we’ll achieve here today.

I also want to bring to your attention the fact that I've been helping teams create healthy cultures and communication since long before COVID, and I can see just how much the need for this work has grown exponentially as we enter this current stage of the pandemic. I know how to navigate crisis, change, and uncertainty, and I want to help, so I'm offering workshops or going in and speaking at specific places or events as needed. If you know of, or if you are in need of that yourself, we can help each other out. Are you planning an event? Do you know of an event that I could be a part of? Do you know of an organization that could use this support? If you are a leader in an organization, are you open to bringing someone on to help facilitate a workshop? If so, send me an email at [e-mail] - I would love to hear from you.

And, as always, if there is ever a topic you would like me to discuss, a guest you’d like me to interview on the podcast, or feedback you wish to offer, please feel free to contact me at [e-mail] - I would love to hear from you!

The Finer Details of This Episode:

• Kelly’s question for listeners
• Defining shame
• Making healthy connections
• Comparing shame and guilt
• Brene Brown’s work regarding shame
• Comparing shame for men and women
• What happens when we experience shame
• Responding deliberately to shame
• Shame resilience theory
• 4 steps that allow you to acknowledge and move through shame

Quotes:

“I remember after getting divorced for this second time, all the beliefs and the shame that flooded my system. I felt like everywhere I went I was being reminded of the fact that I was a single mom divorced twice.”

“We feel like we are what we accomplish.”

“If you have a high level of self worth, then having everything taken away from you won't change who you are as a person.”

“This takes a lot of fuckin’ work.”

“Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

“When we possess worthiness, we've got the courage to be imperfect, and to feel self compassion. We're willing to let go of who we think we should be, to be who we truly are, and we believe what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful.”

“I've seen the difference between a leader in an organization showing their flaws versus a leader who only shows perfection… somebody who shows their flaws, has better connections, creates a safer environment.”

“When we're in that shame storm, it's like we're looking through a zoom lens on a camera. We see all of the flaws up close and personal.”

“I see shame and self-doubt in the professional space a lot because so many individuals are working so hard to hide their authentic selves behind this wall.”

“One of the most important components in shame resilience is empathy.”

“Shame can occur in all aspects of our lives, underscoring the importance of shame resilience.”

“Recognizing the personal vulnerability that leads to feelings of shame is that first step.”

“When we name it, just like our other emotions, it takes the power away, and you recognize you're not the only one.”

“Speaking about our feelings of shame with others, and discussing it, and deconstructing those feelings are really healthy.”

“We need to acknowledge it, understand it, and then share it.”

“If you removed all of the external validations, all the things, and it was just you, how would you feel about yourself?”

Show Links:

Kelly’s homepage - www.kellytravis.net

Ascend Mastermind - www.kellytravis.net/ascend

Social: @kellythealth

Brene Brown's Homepage