Dating Den Episode 102 — With Kristen Ulmer: Filled with Fear, Worry, Anxiety Around Dating? Why Traditional Advice is Making Your Problems Worse & How to Change it Now.
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Does the fear of rejection keep you from asking him out?
Would you like to know how to embrace your fear and use it to renew the spark in your life?
Marni’s guest is a Thought Leader, Zen Therapist and a Master Facilitator with a game-changing approach to fear that has never been utilized before. Kristen Ulmer is a professional skier who was on the US Ski Team for Moguls, a Big Mountain Extreme Skier and has spent 15 years studying Zen and instructing thousands of clients. She’s married now, but finding other people fascinating was her secret sauce method men couldn’t resist. Her new book, The Art of Fear: Why Conquering Fear Won't Work and What to Do Instead.
Fear, unconscious and conscious can stop you in your tracks.
Being Fearless in Life Doesn’t Mean Vulnerability is Easy [3:29]
Often times, to be fearless in one area of our lives we repress fear in another area. Fear cannot be avoided. It is with us every single day. When you feel fearless in one area there is always a compromise in another.
Kristen says how we deal with fear is usually a learned behavior from a parent or influencer. She suggests when we feel fear we should ask ourselves how we process it. Do you resist fear? Ignore fear or rationalize it?
Whatever you resist, persists.
Un-dealt with or repressed fear will come back to get your attention somewhere or somehow. It will show up twice as powerful in a personal relationship.
Insomnia is an ever-increasing problem in the US. Because, when you are trying to sleep undealt with fear will hijack your mind and take over.
Fear shows up in your life in two ways:
- As an irrational, exaggerated, crazy version of itself somewhere else in your life. It can be OCD, anxiety, etc.
- It’s redirected into a powerful emotion such as anger or sadness.
95% of the time anger comes up when we feel powerless.
Techniques to Use Fear to Your Advantage [16:22]
If you find yourself trying to get rid of the negative side of life by saying positive things to counteract it you may actually be repressing your fear to a dangerous point.
For example, if you take your fear and lock it in the basement of your subconscious, you have emotions that are being ignored. Kristen says, it gives your negative emotions magical powers. It's not a healthy or realistic way to live life. Fear is here to help you.
Would you rather feel happy or would you rather feel alive? Even in love if there is no fear there is no edge, no spice. Fear actually brings your A-game to everything you do.
Whenever you step out of your comfort zone and take a risk, it is a sign you are the path towards learning and growing.
Try this method when you feel fear come up for you:
- Feel your fear in an honest way. Don't beat yourself up about it. Fear is not a character flaw or a weakness. Say “It's natural for me to be afraid right now.”
- Do a body scan. Scan your body for fear. Fear is a feeling of discomfort in our body.
- Adjust your resistance to fear and have an organic relationship with it.
- Spend time feeling the fear.
Emotions are meant to be felt.
The key is to change your language around fear. Learn to say yes to fear and acknowledge fear in an honest way. If you shift your language and fear, in time you will conquer and overcome fear!
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