Dating Den Episode 103 — With Melissa: Relationship Play-By-Play Breakdown — How You Can Quickly Spot a Guy Who is Not Ready for a Relationship
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Ladies, are you aware of how your actions directly impact your dating life?
Do you continue to date a guy even if he has said he has no long-term expectations?
In this one-on-one coaching session, thirty-nine-year-old Melissa has never been married and is looking for a long-term, committed relationship. She knows she wants to have a family. She wants to find someone to travel with, a confidante. She's currently an attorney and she believes her previous positions as a technical writer and a business analyst have led her to over-analyze her dating life and relationships.
She is validated at work for focusing on the details but it doesn’t serve her in her search for a quality guy who meets her needs.
She recognizes she has a natural tendency to go into her head and not consider the feelings causing her disappointment and how her heart feels.
A Play-By-Play of Melissa’s Last Relationship [8:38]
During the first date with her latest guy, Melissa came out strong by telling him exactly what she was looking for. She told him she wanted children and of her need for a long-term, committed relationship.
She fears her time will be wasted based on her last 5-year relationship. She is protecting herself and attempting to keep herself safe. Her tactics may not be effective for her to reach her relationship objectives. Marni confides that using these tactics she is more likely to attract men who are emotionally unavailable.
Why Melissa May Be Attracting Unavailable Men [15:43]
Melissa stays stuck in her head when she leads with quick, confrontational tactics. Using this method she will attract someone, like her, who leads with thoughts instead of feelings.
Melissa shares the details of her most recent relationship. She tells Marni she thought this guy was different. She thought the relationship had potential because they connected on many different subjects. She felt an emotional attachment to him.
The catch is when she asked him what his expectations of the relationship were he said he had none.
So, why did Melissa continue to date him when she obviously had different intentions than he did?
Marni’s Coaching and Melissa’s Homework [15:43]
Marni breaks down the relationship story and gives Melissa an overview of what is happening. There are signs Melissa isn't seeing. Melissa realizes she may not be emotionally available.
When we don't feel emotionally safe we try to operationalize and systemize everything that is out of our control.
Marni outlines ways Melissa can shift to start feeling from her heart and stop leading with her head:
- Melissa should start looking at how often she goes into problem-solving mode to avoid feeling her feelings. Then take 20-seconds to consider how she is really feeling and what she really needs.
- She needs to start paying attention and make sure a guys words and actions match. If they don’t, she needs to move on.
- She needs to be compassionate with herself.
- She needs to consider the lesson this guy has given her and use it to figure out what to do differently next time.
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