Dating Den Episode 116 — with Becca Devens: Are You Being Too Picky? Survivor’s Favorite Loved One Shares What Today’s Healthy Marriage Really Looks Like
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Marni welcomes Becca Devens to the podcast to speak about the things that keep her marriage to Survivor’s Rick Devens a healthy, happy one. Becca is a nurse, singer, traveler, and the writer of The Munchkin Nugget blog. She shares how she and Rick met, the core values that keep them happy, how they maintain a healthy relationship after a disagreement, and common fallacies of love and marriage.
Why Do Women Believe One Person Should Meet All Their Needs? [2:34]
Women are complex, beautiful human beings. We have needs that go beyond what one single person is able to accommodate. In the past, women used to get their needs met in the social environment. But in today’s modern culture some women rely solely on their partner to make them feel complete.
Becca says she thinks a lot of women are dating to meet their soulmate but she believes the real purpose of dating is to learn more about what you want and what you need from a relationship. When women focus on finding their soulmate in a partner they tend to forget about all the other soulmates in their lives, like family and friends.
She says, “Your partner is important but they are not everything. They can't be everything. A lot of women today expect whoever they are with for that person to provide everything they need. It’s unrealistic to have all your needs met by just one person.”
When you are dating someone and you get upset don't expect your partner to completely understand. You need other people in your life to talk with, vent to, and share feelings with.
Core Values Are the Glue that Holds Everything Together [10:06]
Becca describes the commonalities between her and Rick. She describes him as an adventurer and an avid outdoorsman who is perfectly fine to do things on his own while she is a traveler who is curious about trying new things. He incorporates things into his routine while Becca goes through phases of sampling different things that interest her. The glue that holds them together is that they both want each other to be happy.
Becca’s Top 5 Core Values for what she wants in a partner are:
1. Humor and Chemistry
2. Curiosity and Travel
3. Family Man
When Becca and Rick are separated for a length of time (like when he was a contestant on Survivor) or a disagreement arises, they lean into their core values to find comfort.
The Problem with Rom-Coms and Fairy Tales [16:54]
Becca says she loves Romantic Comedies but she always speaks with her daughter afterward to talk about the differences in a movie and real life.
She says “ A lot of times parents don't show their children the real relationship. They may not fight in front of the kids and they don't make-up in front of their kids so children aren’t aware of the little annoyances that are a part of every marriage.”
Marriage isn’t always easy and it’s important to work on it and protect it.
Becca's Tips for Protecting a Marriage:
1. Don't engage in behavior that appears flirty or questionable.
2. Ask your partner or check with them when you are making plans with other people.
3. Open up and be vulnerable. Let your partner know they are important to you.
Don’t expect a relationship to be like a fairy tale. If you do disappointment awaits.
Relationship Strategies for Getting Back on Track After a Rift [21:35]
The old adage 'don't go to bed angry' doesn't really play in today's world. If you and your partner have an argument it’s OK to put off a conversation until you have both cooled down.
Becca and Rick wait to cool off and then normally whoever was the biggest jerk steps up to start a new conversation and explain their side.
Becca recommends acknowledge your part in the disagreement and say you are sorry about making the other person feel agitated so you can both move on from it.
If your core values are met and your partner wants you to be happy that's all that really matters.
Becca says she received sage advice from a friend’s parents. They offered her this, whatever he does that drives you crazy make sure you can live with it for the rest of your life because it will never stop. and don't let yourself get bitter about it.
It’s OK to disagree about things but make moves to repair the emotional component of your relationship as soon as you feel calm.
Make a Connection: