Dating Den Episode 117 — Coaching with Kristen: Why Do I Get Awkward and Freak Out When I Really Like Someone?
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In this in-depth coaching session with Kristen, Marni discovers the root of why Kristen can’t be herself around people she likes. She is 39-years-old and is replaying a pattern over and over in all of her relationships. Since her divorce 15-years-ago, she has dated but it has never led to anything serious. She wants guidance from Marni on how she can ask for what she wants from life so she can date with dignity.
What a Girl Wants [2:12]
Kristen often meets men through her extracurricular activities or through work. She gets to see the guys being their authentic selves and she appreciates it. But, when it comes to her being herself she automatically shuts down.
She has been shy ever since she can remember. She was the youngest daughter in her family. She recalls her parents taking care of her every need and her father being very protective of her. She didn’t need to assert herself or voice her opinion while she was growing up because someone always did it for her.
Marni recognizes Kristen’s pattern as the ‘love shield’ and asks her why she feels she is incapable and unworthy.
Why We Wear a Love Shield [9:38]
Many of us carry around a voice in our head that directs our identity and our behaviors. We then attract people into our lives who act the same or reinforce that identity. We may think we know who we are but we always default to someone else’s wants and needs because deep down we are afraid our own needs will be rejected.
Marni reveals that when a guy senses a love shield he feels a disconnect. It’s hard for men to become attracted to someone who doesn’t know who they are. A grown-up man wants to get to know someone and be challenged but if Kristen doesn’t know who she is or what she wants, there is very little for a guy to fall for.
Kristen says she can feel herself trying to analyze the situation in her head but she still doesn't know who she is. She is exhausted by it. She gives other people her power. She’s not sure of who she is or what she is capable of. She does know, however, she is confident and capable of things in her head but not in her heart.
How to Uncover the Real You [18:26]
Marni says it’s time for Kristen to start investigating who she is. She needs to strip herself of her story consider the places where she feels like she shines and what makes her feel free.
Basically, Kristin needs to date herself.
She knows she can activate her authentic self when she wants to. When she is out in nature hiking she feels grounded and free. She is able to release herself and connect to her body. It’s when she moderates herself due to her fear is when she shuts down.
- For 30 days, she needs to start noticing what she naturally notices.
- She needs to stop moderating herself.
- She needs to ask for what she wants.
- She has to get some professional help and start parenting herself.
- She needs to express what is in her soul.
If you don’t know who you are, how will anyone else get to know you?
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