96: How to Handle "Not Your Kids"

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks how to deal with the kids that aren’t yours biologically. In other words dealing with “Not Your Kids” can be so much more difficult and complicated than dealing with your own kids. We will talk about this issue and some helpful tips in regard to how to handle this issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

• Before we dive into today’s topic, I just want to take a moment to talk about how a couple of friend who has an incredibly positive mindset impacted my thought process on all sorts of things.
• The first friend talked about not jumping to conclusions before I have all the facts. He said it is best to get several points of view about what happened because making a decision about what to do.
• The second friend after talking about someone else who just seemed to be giving every one a hard time, said something like maybe we should get her a gift for her hard work. I was thinking wow how is it that I am running into so many people this weekend that have such a positive outlook on life and people.
• Maybe in some ways this does have to do with today’s topic, because we will be talking about how to handle the stepkids even when it seems impossible.
• Let’s face it these are not your children, and so you may be finding it hard to really love then like your own children, and you probably feel like disciplining and talking to them is like stepping on land mines at every turn.
• What are some things you can do to help in this situation. Let’s talk about this now:
• • Stay united with your spouse.
  • If you cannot stay united, then work to defer to your spouse when it comes to the stepkids.
  • You don’t have to love your stepkids like you own kids. You might be surprised that I say this, but the reality is that this may never happen. Now I am talking more about your thoughts and feelings and not your actions. It is perfectly ok that you will never capture the same type of feelings for them that you do your own kids.
  • Don’t rush your stepkids acceptance of you. As we have talked on this show, this can take a long time and in some cases may never happen.
  • Don’t take it personally when your stepkids don’t warm to you.
  • Don’t get walked all over either. Do stand up for yourself.
  • Have regular meetings with your spouse to discuss how things are going and also to talk about future expectations.
  • Don’t read your child’s mind. You might think they are purposefully disobeying because they are trying to manipulate or they could just acting out because they are hurt.
  • Be a good role model. As hard as this is, be the kind of parent that you want your step kids to be when they become parents or even stepparents.
  • Get to know your stepkids, including their likes and dislikes. Then do things with them like a friend would do. Of course you don’t need to be a friend in all circumstances, but when you pick things to do that are fun try to keep the friend perspective in mind.

Remember that integrating stepkids into the family and into your routines can take some time so be patient. Don’t give up!