Amber Rochelle on The Strength of Sensitivity

The Rewire Show For Highly Sensitive People

Some of the topics we covered in this conversation…

• Why she was bullied as a child

• How Ashley and Amber met years ago and were kindred spirits

• Why she had to leave her career in a fast-paced ad agency

• How she felt flawed until she read a special book

• Why most HSP’s are actually high performers

• She explains how being soft and being strong are not mutually exclusive

• How we can become a powerful force for change and good in this world

• How to become unstoppable as a HSP

• Why most HSP’s seem to be driven to make a change in this world, to give back, to help and to heal

• How do we remove the heavy layer of guilt and shame we feel

• Why so many of us have a deep internal sense of being flawed that stems from childhood

• We both share stories about our husbands, that are NOT HSP’s

• Specific script to say to your significant other [47:21]

• How to combat comparisonitis [50:50]

• How she embraces being the “weird girl” [52:08]

• Amber gives you her best piece of advice [55:23]

Here is the in-depth conversation…

Hello everyone, Ashley Stamatinos here. Thank you so much for joining me. I have such a special treat for you. I’m so excited to introduce you to my friend Amber Rochelle.

Ashley:, 00:00:00

Well thank you. I’m so excited to be here.

Amber:, 00:00:13

Oh my gosh. You are all in for such a treat and for those of you who don’t already know, Amber, let me tell you just a little bit about her before we dive into all this amazing juicy goodness that we have for you today. So exciting. Amber Rochelle is an intuitive life coach, mentor, and expert on sensitivity. She’s devoted to help it and how sensitive women thrive in an often insensitive world. She works with women who struggle with constant anxiety, who’ve been told their whole lives, that they were too sensitive or too emotional, and helping them to manage their sensitivity so that they can feel safe in this world and finally feel confident in who they are. She is known as the sensitive bad@$$ Amber’s mission is to change the narrative in our culture around the word sensitive and lead sensitive souls to a place of empowerment.

Ashley:, 00:00:17

So she believes that sensitivity is a superpower. I do too, and if you choose to treat it as one, that’s what it could become, a super power and that this world desperately needs the healing powers that’s sensitive’s have to offer. So I mean obviously you could tell by my introduction, but she is so in alignment with so many of the things that I’ve been sharing with you over the years. So I said, please, please come onto a show. I can’t wait to share you with everyone because I know they’re just going to love what you have to say. So again, welcome, welcome, amber.

Amber:, 00:01:11

Thank you!

Amber:, 00:01:11

Another thing is, you know, I would love to share with everyone. Amber and I met about two years ago because we were really enjoying each other’s Instagram feeds and we just felt like kindred spirits way back then.

Ashley:, 00:01:52

Obviously we both have a very similar mission in the world. So I mean there’s that. But then we ended up getting on the phone, which I don’t really do with many people. I started just really drawn to reach out to you and let’s chat. Let’s talk. I don’t remember how long we talked, but I think it was an hour and I mean we both have graphic design backgrounds. We are very into hair and makeup or glamorous, um, uh, you know, new age people back then we both were a lot of like headdress types of things headbands and like go, like just all sorts of things. I mean those are like sort of superficial things, but also a lot of the underlying things of our background. And um, did you use to dance also now?

Ashley:, 00:02:06

no no

Amber:, 00:02:06

There were so many things in our background that we just clicked on and we thought, oh my gosh, we have to stay in touch. You know, it’s so cool to just have another person in his field who you enjoy and kick ideas back and forth. But so I had so much fun chatting with you way back then and I’m glad that we’re having a deeper conversation now.

Ashley:, 00:02:55

Me Too. I know. It was crazy. I felt like I had known you forever. So then when you talk to me to come on the show, I was super, super excited because we have a very similar vibe. So this is good.

Amber:, 00:03:14

Awesome. Well, amber, tell us a little bit more about you and I would also really love to know more about your journey prior to starting your business.

Ashley:, 00:03:28

Yes. So before I was a coach, I worked as you had mentioned, I worked as a graphic designer and I worked in corporate advertising for like 10 years. Um, that was my job straight out of college and it was just what I kept doing and I was fine. I was successful at it, um, you know, but I never really loved it. And part of that was the negative environment that I was in. It was a really, really competitive and cutthroat and just felt really superficial to me. The particular companies I worked in, but also I had this deeper, you know, like drives and where I wanted to do something that was helping people. And I felt like designing toothbrush adds for 10 years. I was a little bit done.

Amber:, 00:03:40

And I had, you know, when I grew up, I’m a Seattle girl, born and raised in Seattle, um, I had very difficult childhood and because of that I think that paired with being a highly sensitive person, like I’ve always really wanted to take the things that happened to me and use them to become a better person and to give back to other people rather than letting it hold me down, which is what happened to a lot of members in their family. And so I started looking at, going back to school for. So I was like, maybe I’ll go back to school and be a therapist. Just didn’t feel right to me. And I actually at the time had no idea what coaching was. And I ran across the very first coach that I ever followed. Her name’s molly may harsh, she’s just amazing. Um, and I was like, oh my God, this is a thing that people do and they actually make money doing this.

Amber:, 00:04:20

This is amazing. And so I found, actually, it’s kind of a funny story. Um, I was still working at the ad agency and we had, we owned the whole building, but we rent it out some of the rooms for like corporate events and meetings and whatnot. And one day the secretary came up to me and she’s like, I really feel like you need to meet the renters across the hall. And I was like, why do I care who’s renting the place across the hall? And she was like, I don’t know, I just feel like you need to come meet this guy. And so she introduced me to him and he said, hi, my name is Richard. I, I’m the owner and teacher at Seatle life coach training. They literally rented the space right across from my office and I was like, this is a sign. Of course.

Amber:, 00:05:07

I mean it was like in the building. Um, so I ended up enrolling in his school and he then hired me to do some graphic design work for him and knocked off half my tuition for the program the first time in my life that I had felt like things were really easy and we’re just opening for me. And I just kind of trusted that I kept moving forward and so about two and a half years ago I left corporate and has been, you know, still doing a little bit of design but mostly coaching full time ever since. And it’s the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I feel very, very, like on purpose. I feel like I’m finally really like living out my mission and I love it. So it’s, it’s kind of an amazing. And to a harder chapter of my life.

Amber:, 00:05:53

I was thinking about how you’re saying that you did graphic design and ad agency, you said, right. That’s the one of the most stressful types of positions, isn’t it?

Ashley:, 00:06:42

Yeah.

Amber:, 00:06:42

Deadline, fast paced pressure cooker. I mean, as a highly sensitive person I would burn out. Did you burn out?

Ashley:, 00:06:54

I did. I really did. I was so burned out to the point where I didn’t realize how miserable I was until I left because I had become acclimated to being treated really poorly. Um, you know, and just being under such high stress, like really toxic environment. I used to hide in the bathroom. I would go in the bathroom and like cry and I would do, I would try and meditate in a bathroom and I had crystals in my desk. I had smudge sticks with me. I was doing whatever I could to protect myself from all of the stuff.

Amber:, 00:07:00

I remember I had a job where I would use essential oils and everyone would be like, what’s that smell? I thought, maybe that’s too much. Maybe I’ll just, you know, tuck crystals all over it and inside my clothes, u know.

Ashley:, 00:07:35

And, and you know, when, when I left, like they actually laid me off and so it was because I was still afraid to leave to be honest. I had just had this part of me that was holding onto this consistent income. I mean it is risky and scary become an entrepreneur, but I felt like I kinda got pushed out of the nest and it was the exact thing that I needed, um, because I then realized how much it had been affecting me and I really had to kind of take a period to recuperate and regenerate my energy. And then from that place I was like, OK, now let’s next. Um, but it’s been, it’s been really, really good and I don’t regret, I don’t regret the time that I spent there because I learned a lot and, and grew up a lot, you know, um, and I think it taught me a lot of really good lessons, but I’m definitely grateful that I’m no longer there!

Amber:, 00:07:50

For all of the highly sensitive people in Super, super pressure cooker, high intensity jobs, you know, we hope you’re listening, something else is possible. Truly at the heart of it how we function, our nervous system that’s very, very, very taxing and you need an arsenal of tools, you know, to be able to be in those types of positions and be healthy. So, you know, without the tools in that type of situation, it would be very hard not to be burnt out over and over and over again. Do you agree?

Ashley:, 00:08:38

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. I would say the first seven years of my career I did not have the tools and it was, you know, and so I leaned on negative coping mechanisms and it was only in the last couple of years that I was there that I was really starting to become empowered myself and putting those tools in place. And at the same time I was realizing this is not that kind of be the rest of my life. This is not the right place for me.

Amber:, 00:09:11

Awesome. So let’s go way back because I haven’t felt like this is way back. When. Did you first know that you are a highly sensitive person or how did you become aware of this?

Ashley:, 00:09:37

So I knew from a very young age, like I would say like toddler that I was different. I didn’t know what. I didn’t know what a Highly Sensitive Person was. I didn’t even know it was a thing. I just knew that I was, I was different. Um, the way that people reacted to me was different. I got in trouble a lot in my household because I told the truth and I picked up on things that people didn’t want you to pick up on and I would say things and then of course my parents would get upset because was don’t talk about the elephant in the room. So I think from an early age I felt that there was something wrong with me because of the negative reaction that I got to that part of myself. Um, and then, you know, in school I was always a target for bullies because it didn’t take much at all to make me cry.

Amber:, 00:09:49

Um, and I tried very hard to hide that part of myself. But for me personally, the more I tried to hide it, like the, the more reactive by became. It just didn’t. I was never able to like turn it off as hard as I try it on. And it wasn’t until I think I was, I would say probably like early twenties, 21 or 22 that somebody gave me a copy of the highly sensitive person. And when I read that book changed because I knew I was sensitive, very sensitive, um, but I didn’t know that it was a genetic trait. I didn’t understand that my brain was literally wired differently and that is why everything felt so different to me. And so reading that book was the most kind of liberating thing for me because I felt a, I’m not, you know, like A) I’m not a fraud and B) I’m not alone and C) there’s like a better way to relate to this and to manage life with this.

Amber:, 00:10:37

Um, and that really kind of opened me up to all sorts of seeking and exploring and learning and researching and um, you know, to, to be able to figure it out for myself and where I fit in the world and how the ways that I had been behaving and treating myself as a child, you know, just trying to survive, just trying get through. But then they were actually really detrimental to my nervous system, to my emotional wellness. Um, and so yeah, but it was a profound moment reading that book because I just had felt so flawed and whole life I really felt like there was something very wrong with me and that sort of lifted at that point.

Amber:, 00:11:35

And that book is by Elaine Aron, just very easy to search it on Amazon person and she’s written a bunch of them, but I have found that so many people say that once they read that before they finally feel like they’re not alone, because so many of us do tried to hide our sensitivity because it seems like a flaw, like you said, and now you know, it’s not. Yeah, we, both of us, Amber and I know that it’s a gift, you know. So we’re going to talk a little bit more about that too because it might be hard to believe that if you’re in a place where it’s still a struggle. So I’m excited to talk about that. But first I’m going to try to go chronologically, super, super hard for me to do because I don’t function on a timeline. But one of the things I really would like for Amber to share more with you is I would like to hear how you started the sensitive bad @$$ movement because I don’t know a ton about it. I know about what you do and what your mission is. But I would love to hear more about that. And also tell me what does it mean to be Sensitive Bad@$$.

Ashley:, 00:12:13

So, um, I, when I was in coaching school, that school that it showed up in my ad agency building, um, we, there was a woman there who was like, oh my God, she said to me, she was like, you are so sensitive. It’s the most beautiful thing ever. And now I had never had somebody say that to me before. It was always why are you so sensitive, all positive praise. And um, and we got to talking and she was like, you know, she was like, I feel like when you’re sensitive it’s like you’re one of the x men, like it’s your super power, but you have to learn how to work with it, not against it or it can destroy you. And I loved that. And that kind of kicked me off on this whole superpower terminology around it. Of course, I’m not the only one who says that, but I really started thinking about how we’re so often told that we’re weak as sensitive people.

Amber:, 00:13:21

We so often get the feedback from the world, that there’s something wrong with us, that we need to toughen up, um, that we were overreacting and we’re too much of this and too much of that. And I really started thinking about like the trajectory of my life and the other sensitive women that I knew, I was like, honestly, I feel like we’re actually stronger because we’re taking in so much information from the world around us. Both just visual information, but also the emotional and energetic information that we’re taking in. And then we care at such a deep level that we’re often carrying huge weight on our shoulders. Especially before we learned some of the tools of being a more empowered, empathic, sensitive. But we get up every go to work, take care of our kids, show up for people. Oftentimes HSPs, I’m sure you know are high performing, actually very high performing.

Amber:, 00:14:14

It’s just the behind the scenes we have anxiety and depression and overwhelm and we’re drained because we’re carrying so much weight. So I started thinking like it’s kind of bad @$$ to be sensitive in this world because not only do we have this really cool unique gift that other people don’t, but then also like we really have the capacity to carry a lot of emotional weight and so that’s what sort of started the idea for me. But when I got into coaching, I really felt like it’s so important for everybody listening and for everybody that sensitive out there to understand that you are not weak you actually are incredibly strong and you have more strength inside of you than you know how a lot of times we just believe that things that we’ve been told for the world around us of course, but why would we not?

Amber:, 00:15:00

We all want to fit in. We all want to belong, right? And so we listened to that feedback and we try and adapt accordingly. But when you really embrace who you are outside of those messages, I can stand really proud. And, and, and, you know, strong in your sensitivity, like it really is bad@$$, and so that’s, you know, but it’s just people hear that term and they’re like, wait, is that like an oxymoron know, you know, because being soft and being strong are not mutually exclusive. You can and our goals. Um, and so that’s really became my mission is to help women sensitive women and men, you know, um, to understand because once we find our strength within ourselves, we really can be unstoppable. We really can be a powerful, powerful force for change and good in this world. We just have to undo a lot of that messaging that we’ve been given and be able to connect back into the strength that’s always been there.

Amber:, 00:15:46

Absolutely. I so agree. I love hearing you talk about it. It’s really cool to listen to someone else about something I so deeply feel so passionate about too. And I didn’t know if it didn’t. I didn’t, I hadn’t read that about you, that the sensitive bad@$$, you know, I call it a movement. I don’t know if you’re calling it a movement, but…

Ashley:, 00:16:47

I like calling it a movement. Yes,

Amber:, 00:17:05

I didn’t know that it was partially derived from XMEN I just feel like it’s like has to be said like I’m so much, uh, so not, not necessarily within my business with highly sensitive people, but within my business when I worked with children, it’s very much about xmen and I’ve always been obsessed with movies and I am such a Scifi nerd.

Ashley:, 00:17:11

Me too!

Amber:, 00:17:11

Oh my gosh, like, that makes me so happy. We’re talking after this video is over. I have so few people to talk about this with. There’s no one who can like chat with me about scifi.

Ashley:, 00:17:43

So what it was going to say is with children, um, there is a access consciousness is a, um, a modality that I’ve been teaching cl@$$es and I have certifications with them have been a student and teacher of their modality for close to a decade now and then they were able to whole section within their business, um, called Xmen and it’s about kids with add, Adhd, OCD and autism. Really, it’s about all of us who are even grown up Kids who function differently, which is truly highly sensitive person. We are genetically different as well. So we fit into that. Even though we might not be OCD, although that might be something that surfaces if you know, you’re highly sensitive self isn’t being nurtured in here, the tools aren’t put into place. I have, I have ocd tendencies that come out sometimes. OCD is really highly aware of people, you know, that’s, that’s an effort for us to really, um, uh, organize, you know, the awareness that we have.

Ashley:, 00:17:53

But I think it’s so cool that sensitive bad @$$ is derived from Eczema because it’s just so in alignment and there’s such a consciousness about what you’re doing or other people are doing and how we’re all working together in this harmonious way. I’m just looking from this bigger picture and seeing how, how so many of us are coming, you know, to support people from different angles and we share the same idea. You know, it’s cool. So I hope you all were able to follow along with what I just said because I had a little bit of a tangent, but it’s just so exciting to me that there’s so much support out there for all of you and I. So dig it, because you can use your sensitivity as a weakness or a superpower and it’s much race which way you’d like to pivot and it’s truly possible to be unstoppable. Just like Amber said. Ah, thank you. Thank you. So as I am thinking about this and talking about this, I’m reminded how many people hate having thin skin. They hate it and I have a lot of people who come up to me and they’re super uncomfortable with it and I’m wondering because I know that this is something that you really eloquently speak on. How can you help people to begin to love the skin they are in?

Ashley:, 00:18:54

I adore this question because it’s really the crux of the work that I do and it’s kind of a multifaceted answer. So, um, um, I think the first thing is we really have to, as sensitive start to look at the stories that we grew up with and what I mean by stories as the things that we hold ourselves, the, the messages that we took in from the world around us. Um, right? Because if we’re operating out of a place of feeling like we’re too much or that we make people uncomfortable with our emotions are born alone or misunderstood, all of those are really disempowering place and of course you’re gonna that, that. But does that feel good to feel like that? But in order to start shifting that, it’s really important to look back on, you know, where did those waves come from? Who told you that?

Amber:, 00:20:11

What did you tell yourself as an adult now to be like, do I really still believe this? Do I really want to believe these things? You know, how is this making me feel as this how I want to relate to myself? And I always tell people like, you can be mad about it. You can kick and scream, you know, if you’re in a place where you don’t want to be sensitive, OK, be pissed about it, but it’s not going anywhere. So you can either stay in a place of being upset and mad about it. And I’m not saying those feelings aren’