#13: Ass Men

Uncivilized Behavior

Download: ubep13final.mp3

This week the word of the day is “Witzesuct”. We talk about Mother’s day, smelling your own farts, a robotic ass, breast feeding, the metric system and we insult “smart” people!

Mmmm… I want dem notes…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
- Air repair, ANIMATORS!!!!!
- Asian drivers (not ) breaking stereotypes!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-witzelsucht- A feeble attempt at humor

Riffle:

- Mother’s Day

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
- DAYUM Blizzard, you scary! http://us.blizzard.com/en-us/games/d3/?int

Raffle:

- smelling your own farts… vintage 1988

WTF:

-Robotic… ASS?! http://on.msnbc.com/JLnmQm

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Ugly Llama

I have an ugly llama that needs a new home. He’s a gelded male, somewhere between 5-10 years old, recently de-wormed, hoof-trimmed, sheared and vaccinated. His name is “Nash,” and I rescued him from a pretty bad situation.

He’s knock-kneed, he has a terrible haircut from recently shaved-off burdocks and mats, and his face is disfigured from an embedded halter wound. He’s very hard to catch, impossible to lead, and just barely able to be pushed on and off of a trailer (we’re working on these things). However, he has never once tried to spit, kick or bite, and is starting to accept petting. He will eat grain from your hand, and although shy, seems to want to make friends. The vet says he’s healthy now. He makes no noise except for quiet, lonely hum-hoots, which sound like someone is blowing into a dusty trumpet.

Llamas are sensitive to copper, so they can’t have most horse feeds/minerals, but are fine with hay/pasture and goat vitamins. They get along fine with most animals…

…just not my horse. My old Tennessee Walker is apparently a vicious southern racist who wants to rip Nash’s little brown South American face off. I tried to sign my horse up for sensitivity training, but things just aren’t working out. Thus, Nash needs a new home.

If you’ve read all THAT, and are STILL interested in adopting an ugly llama, I know you have a good heart. Nash needs someone like you; he’s had a rough life and deserves a really nice home. A farm visit and vet references will be required– I need to know he’s going to be well taken care of. Please call Laura at 608-225-7045 or email the above address.

To the person who has my Ikea dresser…

I’m sorry to have to post this, but a horrible mistake was made. When you picked up the dresser I was not at home. My roommate was supposed to make sure that my ferrets were put away, but…
Bottom line, my two ferrets are in separate drawers of the dresser. They should be okay, but I wanted to warn you not to take them both out at the same time.
They were rescues… and I was never able to socialize them.
They not only fight, but actively plot each other’s demise.
Otherwise – they’re perfectly fine!
Please call or email when you read this.
*sorry for the inconvenience

Sex and Periods.

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Date: 2010-02-21, 11:51AM CST

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Ahhh, Sunday morning – my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I’m sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life’s wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist’s Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig’s Online Hook-Up Service.

But, lately, I’ve been having a problem with periods. Yeah, periods. Now, normally ‘periods’ and ‘sex’ are not something that most people want to talk about – at least NOT in the same sentence – but I think that the time has come for us to open up, and to admit that maybe there IS a place where periods and sex can coexist. Take the following post, for example:

“lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck”

This sounds great…doesn’t it? (I’m hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she’s too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can’t use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It’s natural; it’s normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it’s just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can’t go together.

I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I’ll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)…anytime. Period.

I grabbed your boobs on Sunset

Saturday night, I was out with my buddies walking around on Sunset, going from bar to bar, club to club, etc. You were, presumably, with your girlfriends. As we neared each other, none of us made eye contact. It’s as though we were trying not to look at each other. I sure as hell was.

But because of this, I wasn’t looking where I was going either, and tripped on a crack in the pavement and tripped, falling forward, right as you were passing by. My arms flailed about and tried to grab the nearest sturdy thing to steady myself. That nearest thing ended up being your rack.

Unfortunately, your breasts weren’t steady nor sturdy enough, so I kept falling. Along the way, your shirt and bra were torn off in the process. Your knockers, exposed to the night air, bounced with delight and glee.

Almost immediately, you came down upon me, fists rained down hellfire the likes of which I’ve never experienced. Your friends quickly joined in, pummeling me, while my own friends stood back and watched, giggling gayly as if their kindergarten classmate had just poohed his pants during recess.

It was when you were pepper spraying the shit out of me that we locked eyes for a moment. It was incredibly painful to keep my eyes open, due to the intense sting from the pepper spray, but I noticed how goddamn gorgeous your blue eyes were, and I think I noticed a moment of hesitation, almost admiration, perhaps. A hint of a smile formed on your face, and for a second, I thought you were going to kiss me, but then you head-butted me directly into the sidewalk, rendering me unconscious.

This, however, did not stop you from kicking me in the side, spitting on my face and stealing my wallet, while, yes, you were there, you know, my friends continued laughing and whooping it up like a bunch of drunken rednecks at a hoedown.

I had hoped to find your phone number scratched into my chest, along with the many other scratches from your fingernails, but alas, when I came to, nothing. Just blood and a few scattered teeth.

I sincerely hope you read this message because I think we had a connection, you and I. I want to see where this might lead. As long as it’s not the ICU again.

Riff to the Raff:
- Best Breast alone http://yhoo.it/M5oJgR

GET FRENCHED:
- Metric system

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… “Smart” People
I really just love how you think that everything you say is correct and everything I say must be wrong in some way, shape, form, or fashion. It sickens me to think about how much time you spend arguing useless trivial facts because you think you know better and that God, Nature or some strange amalgamation of the two made you the amazing lexicon that you are. Why don’t you and your useless knowledge of the most minute facets of the universe just go and fuck yourself sideways. Better yet go and find every book and encyclopedia you can get your masturbation callused hands on and live in a cave eating mushrooms and leave the rest of the world in peace, and blissful “ignorance”. Since you are SO smart I probably won’t need to spell this out, but if I do you will just correct what I say anyway… but I digress you asshole… FUCK YOU!!!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Delicious Diva” JONES:

JOSH “Pencil Prick” MUSSER:

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Outro:
Extrie Extrie!