Vigaland Non-celebrity #MeToo Story #7: Bev - VIGALAND

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Vigaland Non-celebrity #MeToo Story #7: Bev

It took me until my mid-30s to tell my parents about what had happened, that I was sexually abused by three different family members from the ages of 3-6. I want to be clear that my father was not one of them. He could be difficult and sometimes physically and verbally abusive but he was not a pedophile. And it only became possible to finally reveal my dark secret after I’d had a major breakdown, in my late 20s, (caused by buried shame from the abuse). It was also prompted by a difficult relationship break up, but triggered by bad dreams and talking to my then boyfriend about my incestuous sexual encounters, as if it was a normal occurrence in every family. I didn’t even realize, or so I convinced myself, that it was wrong! The breakdown ruined my theatre career and led to more embarrassment and further mocking by colleagues at the time – plus the incident made it easy for some family members to dump on me as the family scapegoat. And trust me, when it’s incest, it becomes all that much more complicated.

I also became a very vulnerable target and endured multiple situations throughout my life. In grade school, a group of boys (who I knew, some from my Catholic school and some from the public school nearby), pinned me down in the public schoolyard and tormented me for hours by twisting, burning my skin all over my body, probing me with their hands and raping me with a dirty baseball bat. They laughed and told me it was some sort of initiation. I remember walking home that night devastated, confused, hurting and not knowing what to do. Better not to tell anyone and try to forget it. I felt, once again, like I had done something wrong, to cause this. Shame and vulnerability hung on me like a medieval punishment and humiliation. It’s like something you don’t even know you exude, but you do, until, if you’re lucky, you can get your head somewhat straightened out around the initial attack. My long-time therapist (I spent about 30 years, total, in therapy), said I was “split” (split personality). I hadn’t realized it was buried so deep that I’d created another more “bubbly” self, or at least overdeveloped that side of me, so I could hide the dark secrets from everyone. I developed severe asthma and in one particularly intense therapy session, I revealed that the heavy body of my initial full rape abuser, on my tiny body, felt like large, heavy stones being heaved on top of me like a Salem witch hunt victim.

The secret too, was so well-kept by the fearful me, that for years I had devastating nightmares. One such account was of myself as a child in the dream, riding down long creepy hallways in a little toy car (like the boy in The Shining), and seeing “things” in the rooms but not being able to say anything or scream out because my mouth was full of sharp razor blades. It was terrifying and I still remember it vividly. There were, and still are, many of these.

There are countless other stories of abusive situations throughout my life – of assaults, molestations, egregious workplace encounters, too many to mention here but they all directed the curve of my life, my health and well-being. I’m forever left wondering what my life could/would have been had it been free of this history of abuse. I’m still grieving deeply for a life and innocence lost.

After I finally told my mother – RIP and God bless her, she was of a certain era – said to me, “Now I know why you never felt like my daughter.” Sigh. (It had definitely affected how I related to those around me, and I grieve for that too.) And when I asked my mom if any sexual abuse or assault ever happened to her (having been raised on a farm with many male farm hands), she replied, “Not that I know of.” Kind of a weird answer to that question, I thought.

I should mention that my mom also asked me, “Did he hurt you?” OMG, I thought, you’re just not getting it. My mother said we’d talk about it again another time but we never did. She always avoided it. I needed real support, understanding and help from my parents but never got it. They’re both gone now, so no hope of that anymore. I spent most of my life sacrificing my own sanity to hide the truth and save my family, and in the end, they all, except for dad, turned on me and completely betrayed me in the last few years. That whole scenario, which is another story of deceit and evil in itself, brought further trauma and PTSD symptoms on me. I was actually diagnosed with diabetes in the midst of it, due to extreme stress.

I’ve struggled greatly through all these years. So much sadness and darkness that goes on for a lifetime. It’s like peeling away the layers of an onion, more of my true self is revealed. But also more and more of the dark truths are as well. And especially since my parents and most of my family have passed away now, I find I’m able to let go of barriers I put up and crazy control issues I had developed to feel more secure. But I still have this thing where, when I encounter a particular style of garden or green area that has a certain look, or a certain style of farmhouse with a specific kind of side door, it haunts me and my brain scrambles to try to understand – but I can never quite grasp the meaning, reason, or memory that triggers the feeling. Thankfully I have a talent for music, which helps me keep my mind and body together and gives me some joy to hang on to for the dark times. I’m proud to say that I’m a survivor, not a victim, and have gotten through it all without falling prey to drugs or alcohol or other negative practices and behaviours that can damage a person further. Harnessing and shaping all of the “shadows” to enable one to function in the world, is possible, but unfortunately, there’s no escaping it.

Bio: SPEAK Music Director and PR professional Beverly Kreller is a passionate about music and has extensive media relations, artist relations, publicity, special event and production experience. Beverly has strong communications and writing skills and is a highly organized, motivated and results-oriented, enthusiastic worker. She is also a musician herself and plays guitar, accordion, penny whistle, bodhran, kazoo and washboard, in a duo called HOTCHA!, with her husband, and she sings in various pop up choirs. Her past careers included actor, theatre wigmaker, makeup artist, scenic painter, costumer and plenty of restaurant work!

My website is http://www.speak-music.com and http://www.HOTCHA.ca

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