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Vigaland Non-celebrity #MeToo Story #9-Louis - VIGALAND
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Vigaland Non-celebrity #MeToo Story #9-Louis
A male victim of sexual abuse speaks out with his #MeToo story
My next-door neighbor, Nick, was a friend I spent a lot of time with for about 6 years. He was a friend I felt guilty about having at times because, like a lot of boys I knew growing up, he could be very brash, stubborn, and physically violent. Yet, I found a comfortable place hanging out with him and the other friends we had nearby. His family was friendly and generous to me, though my parents hated that I spent time in their house because every time I came home reeking of his mother’s Marlboro Reds. Ginny had good taste in art, thinkers, authors, if not the best habits. We conversed often and I felt I really knew her and liked her most of the clan. She died a few years ago of lung cancer. Conflicted as I feel about Nick’s family, I am sorry she is gone. His sister, Madeline, was probably my second crush as a young boy. Perhaps the first girl it was exhilarating to spend time goofing off with. His father, Win, was a strict yet loving man who actually taught me a lot of the social manners that stick with me.
Nick was a kid who made excuses, played video games, lied constantly. In idle conversation with Nick on our way to school around age 14 was the first time I was very cognizant of a male saying sleazy, objectifying things about women, and it bothered me deeply. As a teen, I first got drunk in his basement with friends, failed desperately to hide it from his mom when she came downstairs and saw me laughing hysterically on the floor. I think in the back of my mind I knew there was a lot to dislike about Nick, but we hung out because we were neighbors and his parents didn’t intrude when we did stupid shit like stay up all night making SNL-inspired home movies with Madeline and her friends.
Knowing all this, feeling all this, made it that much more difficult and confounding when Nick and I were stoned in his basement, watching absurd programming on Adult Swim — which I could never have done at home. I passed out on the couch. When I woke up Nick had unzipped my pants and taken out my penis. He said “let me get you off, it’s okay.” I was silent, stupified. My head spun. He put his mouth down there and I sank away from myself. I woke up the next morning and I tried to forget every single thing.
The thing is this: I was assaulted twelve years ago and it’s relevant to how I live in many ways. Obviously the incident itself was traumatic, but the fact that it has taken so long to process and own my abuse has been a problem too. My life has felt much more derailed and aimless, seeing the point has been impossible sometimes. It led me to drink with abandon throughout college, to remain distant in my relationships for a long time. I locked up every feeling I had about what happened and tried to flip it into something manically fun and nihilistic. I’ll say, it seemed to work for a long time. And then I became unable to sit with my own thoughts, to reflect soberly in any way.
It has been such a long journey from being assaulted to becoming myself again, it feels unreal. Relief only began in 2011 when I started opening up to my then-girlfriend Becky about it. A fellow survivor of abuse, she helped me realize a number of things. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my choice, it doesn’t determine my worth. Accepting these things has taken more than a decade.
The only thing I can think of that is beneficial about having a sexual predator at the helm of our country is that it is ending the silence so many people have endured. The courage it takes to tell your story is emboldened by those around us. I personally find solace and deep sympathy in the stories that are shared. Imagine if we all were receptive and respectful to one another’s trauma, what a difference that would make.
©Louis Weil
Bio:
Louis Weil is an EMT, musician, and goofball. He enjoys travel, the outdoors, reading books, and helping others. He grew up in Silver Spring, MD and now makes his home in Philadelphia, PA with his lovely wife Becky and their cat. He has recently developed a huge addiction to vinyl records.
He blogs here occasionally, mostly about intense days at work:
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/and-but-so
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