This week, Oprah is wrong, Brianne drives the horse, Madison's grandma loves Jurassic Park, Lisa delivers the funeral kidnapping tea, Meagan's Grammy has a tramp stamp, Taylor has the best wedding gift, Serena is her granddad's favorite but not a limo driver's, Kaitlyn has a funeral crasher, Brianne keeps a list of Melanie's enemies, Sarah pours on…

This week, we're concerned this episode may curse you, Cody does it wild, Melanie is committed to the bit, Brianne twirls her mustache, and we continue our magical journey through Supreme Court hearings, an inventor's lab, an old-timey lesbian nightclub supposedly funded by a ring of hot rich butches, bedroom chambers with rose-printed wallpaper, a…

This week, Melanie settles for a blowie, Cody delivers a merely passable Tijuana hot dog, and we time travel to Colonial America, a Revolutionary War battlefield getting Queer Eyed by a Virgo, a gay shame parade, a Gold Rush-era gay B&B, the chambers of a US president whose attempts at wooing several gentleman have failed, a Civil War hospital, and…

This week, Melanie gets all of you naked for an announcement, we may have found the ultimate meeting spot, Brianne and Abby don't really want to dive in, we compromise on haunted dolls, Brianne is unperturbed by horrifying quantities of pterodactyl-sized bats, Melanie receives a permit to take liberties with the French language, we get interrupted …

This week, we hear from Captain Steeeve, Mel Anie doesn't get it, Brianne implores you to consider a radish, we raw dog the sandwich bracket, petting zoo rules come into play, and prankster papaws pair perfectly with old women with secrets. Content warnings: switched at birth, painful reunifications.…

This week, Melanie curates a perfectly-Melanie date night experience, Brianne threatens the integrity of the bracket, Fuckboy Frederick sees an opening, a tall flower cannot be denounced, and DNA is just like one of many games. Content warnings: alcohol, orphanage life, mild discussion of traumatic labor and delivery, surprising DNA test results.…

This week, Brianne offers a substitute hot take, birds do not respond to polite requests, hitting record has detrimental consequences, we manifest sexy spreadsheets, the truth comes out about Melanie’s dad, we look for a fun place to meet our ends together in Tennessee, and soon the Sleepytime Bear will crawl from the earth screaming, just like a c…

Content warnings: very extensive discussion of depression, bipolar disorder, and suicidal ideation that culminates in death by suicide. Discussion of the emotional state and inner reasoning leading to death by suicide, as well as its impact on family and friends, is the full content of the episode. This week is very difficult to listen to and we as…

Content warnings: very extensive discussion of depression, bipolar disorder, and suicidal ideation that culminates in death by suicide. Discussion of the emotional state and inner reasoning leading to death by suicide, as well as its impact on family and friends, is the full content of the episode. This week is very difficult to listen to and we as…

This week, Brianne blames it on space, Melanie introduces the neighborhood kids to gambling, Brianne loses her nerve at the laundromat, Melanie is a classic 90s cigarette mom, what amounts to an old timey disaster drag show goes incredibly wrong, and Cody’s lack of chaos forced Melanie to start an in-house chaotic man factory. Content warnings: dis…

This week, vegemite belongs toward the back end, Brianne has a grilled cheese plug, Melanie’s thirst is quenched, a plane has surgery, Brianne is rapidly aging, and we want the best for the makers of Cosmic Yoga. Content warnings: plane crash, mass fatalities, final notes written to family, the presence of infants as fatalities is mentioned without…

This week, we are all personally responsible for the deer overpopulation problem, Melanie is finally desensitized to shafts, Brianne is a curious cat when it comes to water drills and industrial balloons, and Jessica is off the grid. Content warnings: deer hunting, toddler in extreme peril who survives, mention of suicide at 41:30, mention of sexua…

This week, Brianne brings you more Buckeye bullshit, Melanie is still vertical, we contemplate a bracket brought to you in partnership with Sandwich Daddy, Brianne’s cucumber terrorizes the world, the bracket ends with a controversial winner, you could put anything in a wiggler, Melanie is sending out a lumberjack fantasy kit, and the math ain’t ma…

This week, we hear from the man with the world’s largest collection of Titanic VHS tapes, Brianne cannot stop the wind, Melanie and Cody are both tax tops, the Kruse family presents a disaster charcuterie, we unpack the possibility that Australia is a hoax, we’re all personally responsible for thwarting ants, Melanie finds the silliest tornado ever…

This week, Brianne plans for her next cohost, we finally identify Carmen Sandiego’s location, we begin an inquiry into Ohio’s lesbian farming, Brianne punches sideways, we get a crossover villain from the previous episode, Melanie is owed a chaotic man next week, Brianne will not be reading any car maintenance books, and Melanie is completely, tota…

This week, Marley enters her piranha era, Brianne must continually reckon with Froot Loops, we discover that there are two kinds of people, Melanie has a certain amount of knowledge about grave robbing, and we have a guest speaker for disaster relief. Content warnings: deaths of children 13:30-14:30, flooding deaths, deaths of horses, brief mention…

This week, we give lumberjacks a break from the female gaze, Melanie finally admits that she’s the bottom, Brianne is actually the river planner for the city, we try to appease Ohio, it really is all about that bass, and a “peculiar whistle” saves lives. Content warnings: flooding deaths, very brief mention of deaths of mother and children.…

This week, Adelaide is over the hill of childhood, sphincters are puckered, Shane has monstrous cojones, Melanie gets a package that would make either of us cry, and Brianne has a confession about Ohio. Content warnings: extreme sports and falling/drowning deaths, discussion of young widowhood, leeches.…

This week, we’re having another baby, Melanie is getting blown, Brianne’s brain gremlin is running things, we would like to discuss what our partners are wearing, and jokesters gotta joke. Content warnings: gory description of farm accident involving amputations and very intense survival situation, wound care, depression.…

This week, Squonk’s gotta Squonk, your grief is invited to our holiday party, Melanie believes that lighters are a recalled children’s toy, toy manufacturers need a visit from HR, Melanie inquires about a potential career in pole vaulting/magic, radioactive materials are perfectly safe, Brianne will do anything for the story but not driving a Power…

This week, the Froot Loops are malicious, Grace is back on her bullshit, not everyone understands how certifying things works, the story includes an unexpected amount of family tea and fantasy nose punching, and Melanie has an unethical opinion. Content warnings: vaguely discussed but very graphic image, fire with multiple child fatalities vaguely …

This week, the ghouls deliver on tea (but not the usual kind), Brianne’s kid is a poser, the bracket choice is unexpectedly easy, Melanie loves sipping clams, people scoot like seals, Brianne is haunted by violent Sky Dancers, and Melanie gets some foot pics. Content warnings: intense descriptions of children in danger who survive 38:00-48:00, vari…

This week, Brianne is willing to make a ghost if you give her a reason, sexy boys are silly boys, the real lizard was Carrot Top all along, and Samson is a beefy fellow. Content warnings: plane crash/survival storyBy Brianne and Melanie

This week, Brianne loves geese, Melanie doesn’t understand that raccoons are a blessing, Brianne never wants to wear pants again, Adelaide has the perfect topic, we wonder whether rubber cement girls are a real thing, and everyone knows Melanie would eat a koala. Content warnings: not very graphic discussion of burn injuries, asbestos, extremely up…

This week, Brianne and Melanie are each other for Halloween, Squonk asserts dominance over viruses, Brianne loves buttless animals, Melanie loves wet socks, two haunted dolls are going to kiss soon, hiding cursed objects in attics doesn’t solve the problem, Brianne wishes to be unknowable, Danica is a necromancer, we hold a shared passion for speak…

This week, Goat Granny sets up a trail cam, Tinky is in the will, Brianne finds out about Dennis Rodman, Melanie doesn’t want illegitimate Crocs, we’re all spared a week of existential terror, Melanie isn’t noble enough for a baller umbrella, black cats must be protected, Melanie loves to touch wood, Brianne realizes the Romans were onto something,…

This week, some shit’s always going down on the east side, petting zoo rules are implemented at Brianne’s sole discretion, Melanie’s decanter collects dust, and Brianne is clear in her feelings on South Korea and its people. Content warnings: intense descriptions of crowd crushings, discussion of suicide from approximately 43:00 through disaster re…

This week, Melanie is a wholesome dad joke, the TV theme show bracket comes to a close, Melanie finds a comrade in morbid graphic design, Brianne is not impulse buying crickets, and we should all get an oil change. Content warnings: bus fire and explosion leading the the deaths of many elderly people, gross discussion of umbilical cords. Links: 24 …

This week, we add to our vault of cursed episodes, we plan No Thought November, Brianne gets her giggles where she can, Melanie refuses to change topics mid-episode, Myrtle doesn’t read the room, and Brianne lets the intrusive thoughts win. Content warnings: extremely graphic and upsetting descriptions of animal suffering and inhumane euthanasia. A…

This week, Melanie makes her children ride in the cargo hold, Christy exceeds expectations, Bermuda is not the only triangle in town, Melanie loves to give hugs, the arrogance of white men was the real supernatural mystery all along, Brianne loves nerds and experts and expert nerds, and Michigan is ready to get aliens over with. Content warnings: h…

This week, Brianne is turbocharged by the moon, the White Chicken apology tour never ends, human complexities reach extreme levels, Cody would be on a mule, and it’s too soon for our usual send-off. Content warnings: cancer, intense description of plane crash with deaths, speculation about decapitation, very graphic discussion of serious injuries, …

This week, Brianne awards a half-assed bracket advancement, all mistakes are just glitches in the matrix, boundaries are set regarding relaxy time, Melanie loves a factory incident, and technology is in retrograde. Content warnings: gross-sounding slime noise, death by burning, death by drowning, very sad story about couple dying together in a fire…

This week, a Canadian goose is nearly lost, Brianne is surprised by her own bracket choices, Olaf is no help for the recap, and we unpack what can prevent a tragedy like this from happening again. Content warnings: transracial adoption, intense and continual discussion of child abuse and murder, non-graphically discussed animal neglect, suicide,…

This week, Melanie has unexpected responsibilities as the adultiest adult, Bay is marked safe, Melanie forgets to have self-preservation instincts, Jacob gets bonked with some undies, Brianne is ONCE AGAIN right, and Melanie enjoys creating art. Content warnings: death by explosion.By Brianne and Melanie

This week, kids get sent for, Geminis know that they’re the problem, we take our laughs where we can, and we reach true equality. Content warnings: intense and frequent descriptions of child abuse and neglect, drug addiction, homelessness, adoption trauma, mental health issues, homophobia, food insecurity.…

This week, we were never off our bullshit, Brianne wants to go to the Dixie Dandy Supermarket, it’s prudent to carry a tourniquet when you’re passing through Nub City, we question the difficulty level of hunting possum, Brianne threatens Melanie with a crowbar, the bloopers get left in, and the gobble of a turkey makes everything else go away. Cont…

This week, Melanie is walking trauma, the British a-team of weird dudes arrives, cops probably aren’t the goodest boys, Melanie finally takes a turn being a shitbag, a farmer is thrilled to lose his crops, we pioneer new SAR techniques, and Brianne is feral now. Content warnings: children in extreme peril who survive, extreme survival situation, lo…

By Brianne and Melanie

This week, TimBits lead to a courtroom, Lawrence feels a lot of different emotions, people are unsafe in orchards, Melanie brazenly robs Lowes, Transylvania Little League Safety Officer is a real job title, Brianne calls for a little circumspection around haunted dolls, Natasha puts on her heelies, and we get a cameo from a chaotic dad. Content war…

This week, we would like you to have some empathy, Melanie is a sour bitch, the bracket box doesn't age well, New York has a rough summer, a loose-locking nut causes problems, selective decisions are made to drop loads, a disaster leads to Christmas music in July, everybody gets high, and Melanie white-knights for God. Content warnings: lightning s…

This week, some of us are snack sized, a dinosaur interrupts Tooty Bubbles shopping, Riley earns a first responder discount at Carrabba's, a wedding goes sideways (and into the water), a giant evil hedgehog crashes the musical party, we conceptualize a wild boar in a robe, we need to clarify that we don’t technically condone violence as a way to mo…

This week, we make friends with alternate reality versions of ourselves, we try to make it right with Big Shark, Brianne is changed by the Hat Man, Melanie pulls a shot out of her gills, the Virgo apology tour never ends, electricity is a hard sell, Mindy and Brooke learn about the power of nope, Melanie is dicks-lexic, there’s vodka and VD behind …

This week, Melanie provides no context, traffic gets avoided, Brianne is willing to deploy anti-bird measures, Melanie finally regrets googling something, and we plan a petty obituary. Content warnings: kitchen accident leading to blood loss and partially severed fingertip, alcoholism, stabbing, plane crash, intense descriptions of car accident dea…

This week, Ann has a tool to survive the grief blender, Brianne has the hottest bracket take so far, Melanie plans racecar drivers' cute birthday parties, Brianne goes to hospitals with the stars, there is an important distinction between bfs and bffs, and we pour some strong racing tea. Content warnings: dry drowning, burn injuries, decapitation, …

This week, the next bracket begins, Melanie loves to talk about butts, Brianne is plagued by artificial intelligence, human complexities make an appearance, and beer is canceled. Content warnings: crushing/drowning deaths, funeral for toddler, deaths of children in the 1800s, anti-immigrant sentiment. Links: https://www.newspapers.com/image/3920867…

This week, the smell bracket comes to a close, Melanie wants pure pandemonium, Brianne is going to receive Melanie's box, Randy didn't get here through charm, wolves do not go to the track, we have opinions on the Randy to NASCAR pipeline, and we're gestating but not a baby. Content warnings: racing accidents, loss of legs in car accident, intense …

This week, Brianne experiences a glitch in the matrix, Melanie is thirsty and begging, Arkansas and the gay community are not on the same page, Melanie plans to explore bathhouses for the podcast, there's no crime in a gangster's paradise, Brianne lacks self-preservation, and the NTSB never gets invited to parties. Content warnings: intense descrip…

This week, Andrea's golden birthday turns green, Fin turns 20, Kathryn has a prankster papaw, Mia calls in with a Disney connection, Kaitlyn gets yeeted, Sara and sleeping in the woods do not mix, Ann's story gives us goosebumps, and Hayliegh has two nickels. Content warnings: tornadoes, car accident, child in peril who survives, ghosts, intense de…

This week, Melanie has spicy ghost fingers, Liz has BOGO disasters, Sara's aunt doesn't read the room, Cindy gets an unhelpful offer, Maren's parents won't be invited to parties after this, we would like a word with Katelyn's boyfriend, and Melanie's loud, wet bush crashes the show. Content warnings: tornadoes, ghosts, deaths of family, vague menti…