Best J.M. Porup on Podiobooks.com Podcasts (2024)

Chapter 28 -- It is hard, eating air. Sometimes you feel so empty inside. My heart goes out to you. All of you. But do not fear. We, the United States of Air, are here to help you. To free you from this oppression. That is why, if you fail to comply with our demands, we will be forced to nuke your country until nothing is left but a twisted, molten…

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USofAir 27 98/100 29:27

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Chapter 27 98/100 -- LaOmelette Park. Foood! Foood! You're going to pay, alright. Kill me! Now's your chance! Real live scientists? It's their fault! The ferrners fault! I can get you off the hook. The holy of holies! Do you like ranch dressing? How dare you engage in favoritism. Wake up the Joint Chiefs of Stick. The Cupboard, too. A crisis. The p…

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USofAir 27 27:45

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Chapter 27 -- My trial lasted fifteen minutes. A bus ride. Welcome to the final stage of human evolution. Firewood? She spat and turned her back on me. The other prisoners avoided me. U-S-A! U-S-A! We're your slimming consultants! Aerobics time. I'm here to defend your freedom. Rat Boy! What do you think is wrong? There is no escape. Dime bag of fl…

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USofAir 26 9:07

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Chapter 26 -- A visit to Harry Green in hospital. Gone to Canafooda. They don't stand a chance against my calorie-fueled karate moves. A platoon of heavily-armed Thin Berets. Who are you people? The Fat Berets. We're a new top secret unit. Now come along quietly or we'll be forced to sit on you.

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USofAir 25 9:44

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Chapter 25 -- Come out with your hands on your belly. The Sushi Gang. Tastes better when they're sweaty, like salty popcorn! A crumbling supermarket. Escape? It's sushi time... An old friend returns. Get out of here. Go! What are you doing here? See the change you wish to be in the world!

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USofAir 24 10:10

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Chapter 24 -- I went insane. I know that now. I woke to the sounds of laughter. Could I have some real food, please? To Agent Froleek! Heez first good meel een yeerz! If this is slavery, baby, I'm lovin' it. Could I get a doggie bag? Eez zees zee I-SEE-FAT hotline? I want to report a food terriste. I made a solemn vow then.…

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USofAir 23 12:39

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Chapter 23 -- They ripped the fat suit off me and tied me naked to a chair. Torture. No! Not that! Anything but that! Please! Meet my head chef. Show him the video! The world began to spin. The flying Twinkies swirled about my head.

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USofAir 22 3:36

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Chapter 22 -- What happened to the lights? The French police? They're what???

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USofAir 21 45:14

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Chapter 21 -- Fatso's Thanksgiving bash. Caponey Baloney! How eez my-ee fayvoreet don frum Chicago? You're a gangster. Attitude! The table of honor. But how to poison the soup? A toast: to the Prophet! Great hors d'oeuvre, man. Turkey time. Gotta go potty. A jewel-encrusted outhouse. The food lab. Success! ...or not?…

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USofAir 20 20:36

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Chapter 20 -- A visit to Food Court. It was just a cracker. Sentencing. In judge's chambers. Can I offer you some refreshment? Toilet tap. Now do you believe me? Then they know everything! Not this time, Mister Cynic. That's the spirit! They're here. Quick! I need your verdict. Run, little Frolick.

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USofAir 19 5:18

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Chapter 19 -- That unholy Thursday. Your disguise: Alberto Caponey Baloney. Favorite food: peeg deek on a steeck. But how do I walk? How do I talk? How do I hold myself? You're the law. You must speak of this to no one. Judge Oscar Meyer-Weiner.

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USofAir 18 16:34

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Chapter 18 -- Dr. Full Stummick, Naturopath. A promise is a promise. Soup's on! Chop Suey No. 17. Hungry for the truth. And only the truth. Take that! And that! La Resistance. Mais oui. I could not agree to disagree more.

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USofAir 17 5/8 10:53

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Chapter 17 5/8 -- Little girl, what's your name? Your mommy says you have to go potty. Is that true? Cap sprung me from the brig. Why can't you learn to play ball? A test. You can tell Internal Affairs I passed. What did I do that was so wrong? I don't understand. I'm giving you a choice. The Underground Food Road. You're off-duty until further not…

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USofAir 17 8:06

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Chapter 17 -- The deadline had passed. Schoolchildren would learn my name and revile me. A gift card. A stirring patriotic sight. It reminded me of the flag-raising on Iwo Jima. The man in the poo-colored suit. A briefcase full of flour. Arrest that man! The charge of treason.

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USofAir 16 12:17

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Chapter 16 -- A press conference. Hit me with a hard one. Where did you pick up that rumor? The jet came in low from the south. He's turning away! Thin Berets. Neither, sir sir sir sir sir.

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USofAir 15 6:24

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Chapter 15 -- They couldn't all be corrupt, could they? Terror clawed at my soul. Suppose she's right. Where would I go to get some food? Everything I'd worked so hard to build would fall apart. What in the name of the Prophet was I going to do?

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USofAir 14 18:40

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Chapter 14 -- A dozen red roses. Daddy, Daddy, how was your day? But--what--what are you doing? Bacon? Are you crazy? I'm going downstairs to pray. For you. Do I have to call child services? Hippie left-wing claptrap. How did you get your hands on that? Keep your voice down. Is that how it is. Twinkie-Baal. We are the LORD YOUR GOD. Et cetera.…

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USofAir 13 1/2 6:45

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Chapter 13 1/2 -- Send me up some chicken wings. Would you really let me starve to death? He's coming back tomorrow morning. My bags are packed. A footnote.

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USofAir 13 12:15

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Chapter 13 -- A woolly mammoth? Newfangled nonsense. It's uncommon sense that got us into this mess in the first place. The control tower swayed from side to side. That tickles. Maybe I've put on a few pounds. Not my Congressional Medal of Air! I got it for killing defenceless women and children! I would have to resort to torture.…

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USofAir 12 22:44

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Chapter 12 -- The Sewer High-Intensity Transit System. An accident. Frolick. My friend. Do something for me. Is he going to die? The control tower. Does this mean what I think it means? I'm on a secret mission for the Prophet.

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USofAir 11 28:42

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Chapter 11 -- With or without sprinkles? No more Mister Twenty-Five-Star Nice Guy. Air Traffic Controller Blobbalicious Superfattypants. A traitor in our midst! Lt. Capt. Maj. Col. Bouwelles. Gentlemen, I give you the Poo Rocket. The Toilet Safety Administration. The TSA colonoscopy machine. Hold onto your toilet seats. We're going for a ride!…

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USofAir 10 26:03

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Chapter 10 -- The Plumber. PhD from the Massachussetts Institute of Toilet Technology. Kill the leaks! The turd that got away could be the secret to where Fatso is. Too Secret For You. Jacques Crusteau's dossier. Ma-ma! Ma-ma! Code Name: Poo Island. Set our status to FOODCON ONE.

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USofAir 09 24:22

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Chapter 9 -- The National Sewer Agency. General Full O'Shitt, at your service. Total Poo Awareness. I think it's time the Thin House learned exactly what we do here at the NSA. We've got toilet cams in every major sewer in the world. Food terrists would kill us for the right to eat food again. Be alert. Not alarmed.…

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USofAir 08 23:38

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Chapter 8 -- The Lincoln Memorial. Back door passage to the NSA. Biometrics. Top Top Super Double Dip Hot Fudge Sundae With A Cherry On Top Secret. Rank balloons. Poo-AHH! The vault door opens.

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USofAir 07 40:24

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Medical Examiner Hot 'N' Juicy. The coroner's "special ham." An autopsy. A French spy! What they found in his stomach. The murder weapon.

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USofAir 06 37:18

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Chapter 6 -- Bakin Cheez Burgher VIII, a.k.a. Rat Boy. The fierce urgency of now. The River Potomacncheese. Cockroach mousse, anyone? An interrogation. Where's Fatso?

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USofAir 05 40:00

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Chapter 5 -- Agent Erpent of the SS. WWTPD? A phone call. From the Prophet. For me? The Coalition of the Fasting. Find Fatso! Fastest way to the morgue is through the Georgetown food ghetto. The Sushi Gang. A place to hide.

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USofAir 04 29:35

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Chapter 4 -- The crime scene. Zero-calorie burgers. A body in the park. A million-dollar, uncut pizza. Who knows why these crazed food terrists do what they do? They hate us for our freedom. Our freedom to eat air. That's why, and you know it. The District of Crap. The Skinny Service. Go the Power of Air!…

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USofAir 03 32:26

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Chapter 3 -- A murder investigation. A pizza dealer got whacked in LaOmelette Park, across the street from the Thin House. A desperate housewife. Agent Green's problem. A confession. If you see Fat, say Fat. Call 1-800-I-SEE-FAT. Twinkie rapists.

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USofAir 02 44:23

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Chapter 2 -- Food is a drug. You don't need to eat. That's a myth. All you need is air! Meet the Prophet. You must see the change you wish to be in the world! The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Food. The French Food Mafia. Fatso, the Godfather of Food.

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USofAir 01 10:41

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Chapter 1 -- Welcome to the Global War on Fat! Time for all you ferrners out there to learn how to ear air. Food terrism must be destroyed!

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BatGuano 33 0:29

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A parting thought from the author.

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BatGuano 32 31:42

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A rope pooled at my feet. Wicked view. Dude, you look frozen. Show some enthusiasm already. What's wrong? I'm on no one's side but my own. I'll drink to that. Front row seats to the end of the world. Guilty as charged. Hobbes would be delighted. Is this for me? Like spaying a stray dog. On the count of three. Well boo fucking hoo. And your own moth…

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BatGuano 31 14:18

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Pitt was waiting for me. Snacks! Pitt? Or the world? A photo fluttered in my hand. I didn't ask for this. I am not ready. Necrophiliac pimps. The pain woke me. The final assault, bucko. There you are.

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BatGuano 30 32:42

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Blow the world to kingdom come. How many people had died because of me? Something snapped. Incompatible with life. I taught him. Showed him. What monster of the deep had I awoken? It's not your fault. So sorry. Maybe I'm the one who'll push the button. Missed the banzai, sir. Something I have to ask you. I don't want you to die! You're our secret w…

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BatGuano 29 28:50

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Fast-forward. An Uzi appears in Victor's hands. Pitt need disappear. Conspiracy to commit first-degree Gaiacide. It was a job. Don't you see? That would have been an acceptable outcome. Remember Sergio Salazar? A deliberate red herring. There are worse things than death. What is he waiting for? What did you tell him about me? That's a low blow. Wha…

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BatGuano 28 29:02

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Hak Po? Kill. Hold your fire! We. Have. Not. A could of freshly dead vulcanologist. I didn't kill Lynn. This isn't a DSU case. Suppose I told you... The mouth of a volcano. That's a live feed, son. War's off, Horse. There faction of monks in Tibet. Why is that a problem? Big fault line under Salar. If Victor say, dynamite right spot...This transcen…

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BatGuano 27 37:56

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Pitt is dead. It sinks in now. To friendship. It's not your fault. What's the worst thing you've ever done? Gooey. Is that what I am? Somebody sabotaged the engine. We could both die here. Is that lipstick? You wanted me to what? Touche. The motorcyclist filled the frame. Jumping jacks. This flare gun. Queen takes pawn. Have you lost your mind? Kon…

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BatGuano 26 25:06

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Sprechen zie Deutsch? A cuckoo clock. You are Fritz? Go to Paraguay, my advice. Suicide mission. We want a jeep. World's highest ski resort. Kate was here? Empty the larder. 11:37 tomorrow morning. You know what you're getting yourself into?

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BatGuano 25 27:22

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The City of Rats. Can you handle this? On the bus the night before. Who was your loss? Haggling with a coca vendor. What then? Was it jealousy? Or just business? Calle de los Brujos! A butcher. More llama fetuses. Wee-skee! Colt .45 Peacemaker. Pay me so I can go! Why did you have to kill that guy? We find Fritz. We do not belong here.…

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BatGuano 24 33:43

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I think we got a problem. A high-pitched whistling noise. The boat threw itself onto the beach. Llama mothers. The van. Take a bus? As long as I kill one man first. The man I intend to kill. So you guys in or aren't you? Who is this Ambo? Bring a gun. Maybe a car battery. Destroy his career. Subanse. Bolivian immigration. Spotter. I don't think I'l…

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BatGuano 23 28:16

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I had my soccer-mom closure. What was Pitt's secret? Gentleman of the jury, the facts are simple. Time to go back to Lima. Aurora. You find your friend? I'm coming with you. Every general needs cannon fodder. You did this. This is real. This is happening. Maggoty cadavers lower property values for everyone, not just you. What war? Cover up the inco…

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BatGuano 22 23:33

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A Bolivian sister act in camouflage drag. Can you get us off? Everybody saw him. Disgraceful. The Escalera de las Incas. A Swede. You filthy pig! Do unto others, and all that. The fucking Finski. Boom. Looking for a friend. No passport? An unwanted party in my pants. We don't want your money, gringo. Only one body was left.…

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BatGuano 21 25:11

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Across the lake on the island. One of those AK-47s. Goodbye. Kumbaya. And where is Kate? Fuck that. You saw the size of that bomb, Horace. The boat slid into the lake. Ever think that we could try again? Two Bolivian gunships. A Cubs cap.

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BatGuano 20 23:22

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The dinner hour. Have you seen Pitt? Is that what he told you. Vow silence, Michael. When you learn? The beach. Later. Cockroaches. Gaia will punish us. How she howled! What a seriously downer take on life. Cross the border. Let's party! Baby, what's going on? Two impotent monsters.

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BatGuano 19 23:11

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What do you know about bat guano? Chess. Maritime Day. The oil is running out. A plot. A war. Pitt had you kidnapped. The screams...they made me watch. Just one man, Horace. They want to kill each other? I say, let them.

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BatGuano 18 34:28

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Mother Earth's in danger. Patience, Blessed Jonathan. Why don't you take some sacred sustenance? Let the Blessed Victor explain. Two percent. We have much to thank you for! A postcard.

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BatGuano 17 29:09

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Right on time, Horse. Take your clothes off. I'm not CIA. Mister Pimples had burst. Do it, Gaia damn it! Six Buddhist monks. Llama fetuses. Ditch the van. A boat ride. Pitt Pitt Pitt! The welcome wagon plum forgot to teach you manners. I didn't come here to see you.

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BatGuano 16 28:26

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Arriving in Cuzco. Call the police! The fuck, man? It's been how long? Come into my lair. Need a favor. A grave. Was this all there was? Dinner out. Wanna spit roast? A miracle. Come on, ya bloody pikers! Two train stations. A gun.

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