Leo is the first of us to get restless. He goes, “Oh my God, this is so boring!” and this is in the middle of the Protestant equivalent of, like, Mass? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Christian is sitting at our usual table in 3fe on Sussex Terrace and I can tell instantly that something is up. When you’ve played ten to someone’s twelve, you can have no secrets from each other. Fact of rugby, fact of life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m in the cor with Sorcha and we’re on the way to Clonskeagh to collect Brian, Johnny and Leo from school. Yeah, no, they’re finishing up today and we’re bringing them out for lunch to say fair focks to them for going another year without being expelled. Like most south Dublin parents, we set a very low bor for our children. Hosted on Acast. Se…

It’s the old Jonny Bell that hits me first – a combination of bacon, cheese and Tom Ford Portofino that comes wafting up the stairs and under the bedroom door looking for me. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m mowing the back gorden with my top off again, portly to showcase the work I’ve been doing in the gym since the stort of January, and portly to see how long it takes for it to become an item of discussion on the Dalkey Open Forum Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

The school concert hall is absolutely rammers this afternoon. We’re talking, like, 1,000 students and parents crammed between the walls to hear the result of the election for Mount Anville Head Girl for 2024-2025 and I haven’t seen Honor looking so pleased with herself since the time she swapped her old dear’s hair conditioning mask for Veet. Hoste…

It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m driving along Vico Road – one of the bits of the road where two cors can barely pass – when I notice a black SUV coming towards me at speed... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “what is she doing?” Yeah, no, she’s talking about Honor, who’s smiling so hord that it looks like someone has jammed a coat hanger in her mouth sideways. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So it’s, like, Friday night and I’m having the usual pints with the goys in The Bridge. Dave Kearney asks how we’re getting on with a big smirk on his face. We’re all, like, crowded around my phone. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes. Hosted on Acast. See acast…

How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more in…

I tell Honor that I’m proud of her. I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for m…

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later. “Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair. I’m like, “Why would you even think that?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day. She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for? She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it." irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“If we do this,” she goes, “my husband can’t find out about it. Under any circumstances?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Or is Sorcha standing at the end of the bed, wearing the Tory Burch tennis whites she bought last summer to watch Wimbledon? She’s like, “Are you ready?” “Ready?” I go. “In terms of?” Read Ross O'Carroll-Kelly at irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Sur! Prise!” we all go. But the old man – standing at the bottom of the stairs in Shanahan’s on the Green – barely raises a smile. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’m there, “I have a bad feeling about this.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a sad day. Everyone agrees. Not as sad – hand on hort – as Ireland losing to the All Blacks last weekend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So we’re in Corcoran’s on the famous Boulevord de Clichy – we’re talking me, Christian, JP, Oisinn and Fionn – and I’m telling the goys why I think we’ll beat the All Blacks on Saturday and why I think it won’t even be close? But they only want one question answered. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

I’m there, “I’d be in Paris now if things had been different,” and when I say different, I mean if my daughter hadn’t been chorged with 277 counts of criminal damage. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset? And given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement. She’s literally shaking with rage and whatever else is bubbling inside her, which is the reason I’m staying on the other side of the kitchen island. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

I love a crowd. Yeah, no, that’s as true of me now as it was back in my days as the best number 10 in the history of Irish schools rugby and the goy that every girl wanted to be with. I love the feeling of people staring at me with their gobs open in just, like, wonder. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

So I wake up in the hotel in Nantes to find a letter on my bedside table, which turns out to be from – yeah, no – my old man? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man is as excited as I’ve seen him since the members of Elm Pork Golf Club voted to name the lateral water hazard on the 12th hole “the Chorles River”. It’s, like, Friday night – the night before Ireland play Romania in the opening match of the Rugby World Cup – and I’m sitting in The Connemora in Bordeaux, listening to him phone pretty muc…

Sorcha is tense. Yeah, no, for her, the first day back after the school holidays is like the first day of the Six Nations for me. In other words, a matter of life and death. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man looks surprisingly well for a man who’s been banged up for, like, a week and a bit. I’m sitting in the visiting room when he walks in and he’s, like, deep in conversation with another, I want to say, inmate? It’s a good, like, five minutes before he saunters over to where I’m sitting... irishtimes.com/author/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ Hosted …

I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes – he’s Chorles O’Carrroll-Kelly, for fock’s sake – but I never thought I’d see him in court, aged seventy-whatever-he-is, chorged with the illegal possession of a fireorm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

This is the final exclusive excerpt from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out today Thursday, August 17th. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the second of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.