Teenage Love Affair
Manage episode 298988030 series 2943547
Transcript
SureEyes: [00:00:00] you're listening to quintessentially mental a podcast hosted by SureEyes, please note that this host is not a mental health practitioner or professional, and this podcast is not made for treatment of any mental illness.
[00:00:25] Spudcaster: [00:00:25] baobulb.org is a podcasting platform and a medium for storytelling. This podcast is also available on all the major podcasting apps, including apple
[00:00:36] and Google podcasts,
[00:00:38] podcasts your life with
[00:00:40] baobulb.org.
[00:00:43] SureEyes: [00:00:43] Hey, y'all, you're listening to quintessentially mental the podcast. And I'm your host SureEyes. Welcome to yet another episode where we'll be talking about all things, quintessentially, mental, all things linked to our mental health, our mental wellbeing. Um, just kind of putting a spotlight on important conversations that need to be had in a more public space.
[00:01:12] Today's episode. I actually have my sister, another sister, I think in previous episodes, I've explained the expanse of my family tree. Um, so this is, this is she's she's uh, her name is Jess and we'll be talking a bit about. Kind of like how high school bullies affect your mental health, how also just your home environment adds to it.
[00:01:40] And then, you know, once you find a space to become more yourself, how that almost benefits your mental health and your self-esteem and your perception of yourself. So I know I can speak for myself where. In high school, I almost felt like I had to be a certain way. I was, you know, straight A student involved in sports and culture and all those things.
[00:02:09] Um, and so went on quite an extreme journey, post high school to try and find myself. Experimenting was different types of jobs, experimenting with different types of clothes, which I view as, you know, a form of self-expression experimenting with, you know, different activities. I tried, you know, partying and seeing if that scene was for me, just, you know, trying to figure myself out.
[00:02:38] And I think, you know, when we, when we feel a lot of. Pressure and stress and expectation to be a certain way, whether it's something we put on ourselves or whether it's something we feel other people put on us. I think we, we, we kind of lose opportunities to be. I don't want to say authentic selves, cause that sounds kak wanky, but like just to be a truer version of ourselves or just to be more ourselves, not even a version of it, just to be who we are.
[00:03:15] And so I'm hoping in this episode, you know, my sister can share a bit about her journey with mental health and how. You know, her finding ways to express who she is and communicate who she is through different mediums has given her a better sense of, you know, what's the word, like, I don't know, self esteem or self acceptance, or, you know, that kind of, that kind of vibe.
[00:03:47] Um, so hi Jess,
[00:03:51] Jess: [00:03:51] hello SureEyes: how are you? Jess: I am doing fantastic.
[00:03:57] SureEyes: [00:03:57] We have a joke in the family that like all of us are the shady sister, but I honestly think you're the shadiest.
[00:04:03] Jess: [00:04:03] Well, 100%
[00:04:08] SureEyes: [00:04:08] to your face, at least it's not behind your back.
[00:04:14] So Jess, I would, I guess we can start the conversation with. You know, maybe sharing a bit about some of your mental health challenges. Like what are some of the things you struggle with? And then I guess the second part would be, when did you start noticing that these were things that were problematic to you?
[00:04:36] Jess: [00:04:36] Okay. Okay. Wow. It definitely. So one of my biggest struggles has been social anxiety. I definitely think that started in high school, for sure. Just the thought of social interaction.
[00:04:57] SureEyes: [00:04:57] Sometimes you don't even have lus for me and I'm like family.
[00:05:02] Jess: [00:05:02] Yes.
[00:05:05] SureEyes: [00:05:05] I don’t take it personally. I'm just saying the extent, like imagine with strangers, you know,
[00:05:10] Jess: [00:05:10] Yeah. Yeah, 100%. I was actually listening to what you were saying about your high school experience. And I was thinking, wow, we really went into different directions. SureEyes: Why do you say that?
[00:05:25] Jess: Well, I think for starters I tried to blend in, I did not want to stand out. I did not want to go to these sports. Like when that bell rings for home time, I was out those gates,
[00:05:46] um,
[00:05:48] SureEyes: [00:05:48] Just for context like how long ago did you finish high school?
[00:05:53] Jess: [00:05:53] Um, I was the class of 2017, so I’m trying to do the math in my head
[00:06:03] SureEyes: [00:06:03] Sjoe. This part of you escaping the school gates. So does that math?
[00:06:11] Jess: [00:06:11] Yeah. I think it’s four years now
[00:06:12] SureEyes: [00:06:12] And so how did you like, so for someone like me and you know how I am, right. I'm like super extroverted. I have no qualms speaking to anyone I'm just like always talking. So for me to kind of imagine feeling socially anxious is quite a foreign concept for me. I can understand anxiety in general because that's something I struggle with, but.
[00:06:38] I don't really understand that anxiety being triggered by social interactions.
[00:06:46] Jess: [00:06:46] Um, I best way I can describe it is it is I want to link it to being like an introvert, but my thing is I don't classify myself as an introvert because I can be out there and interact now. But back then. I, yeah, I wasn't sure.
[00:07:09] SureEyes: [00:07:09] So what was it about like, cause you're also mixed race, right?
[00:07:13] So like your mom's white and your dad's coloured. Yeah. So was it all like what? So if I think about my experience with like mixed race kids from university university vibes that some of them like, just didn't know where they fit in, in general. So like, was that something that also impacted you or did that like add to your social anxiety?
[00:07:36] Jess: [00:07:36] Oh, 100%. I think it's awful. It's like the whole thing of, um, trying to. You know how in high school you have your cliques, but the people, you know, your groups and your friends. And I just, I never knew where I belonged because there was the smart Afrikaans kids and, you know, there was, there was just so many different cliques and I think being mixed race, I, you know, that's your identity in a way.
[00:08:06] It's like we are. And I tried to suppress it. There in high school, you know, just so that I could fit in, I didn't celebrate my, what made me unique and those kinds of things. Like, I don't want to draw any attention to that. So I straightened my head and all of those things just to fit in. Um, but it did actually give me like a lot of anxiety, not knowing where I fit in, if that makes sense
[00:08:30] SureEyes: [00:08:30] It does make sense, I think like we have a natural tendency as people to like, Gravitate towards things we identify with.
[00:08:42] Right? So like I had that struggle in a different way because I'm a dark coloured. I'm not a light-skinned coloured. And so like, and then I sound like this, I don't even sound coloured. And then it's like, you know, so initially like our very basic. Um, forms of interaction with people come around, things that we have in common and like at a very basic form, it's the kind of visual things that we have in common.
[00:09:10] So like, like you were saying, the clicks is like all the pretty girls are together all the smart people are together, you know, at a very superficial level. That's what people like form groups or cliques is like just superficially, what do we have in common?
[00:09:23] Jess: [00:09:23] Yeah
[00:09:26] SureEyes: [00:09:26] And I can see how that would like.
[00:09:28] Create anxiety. When you feel like there isn't an, aesthetic, so to speak, whether it's intellect or, you know, whether it's, uh, uh, uh, a language. So like, you know, the Afrikaans folk or whether it's, you know, the colour of your skin, like I can see how not being able to fit in would like cause anxiety.
[00:09:50] Jess: [00:09:50] Yeah, definitely.
[00:09:52] I think we just all have this need to affiliate. Something that I've noticed is when you're in high school, there's this thing called the spotlight effect where it feels as though all eyes on you. And third, if that makes sense, but that is definitely something I experienced. I just constantly felt watched and, uh, no, this is not fun.
[00:10:18] SureEyes: [00:10:18] And so what do you like, when do you think that kind of. Experience, right? Like your experience of being socially anxious. When did that start changing? Cause was that your entire high school experience?
[00:10:36] Jess: [00:10:36] I would definitely describe my high school experience as being one anxiety bomb. Like I was constantly on the verge of exploding
[00:10:44] if I can put it like that,
[00:10:47] SureEyes: [00:10:47] how, like, how did it, how did it affect you physically? So like, I know when I get anxiety attacks, it's like the first thing that I'm starting to feel anxious is my heart rate just goes, like, I just start feeling my heart just beating so fast. And it's like, and then my brain starts getting flooded with like all, cause I have anxiety about things going wrong and not being able to like stop them or not being able to like, do something about it or not being able to prevent it or, you know, and so then it's like, my head just starts creating all these scenarios about what could potentially be wrong.
[00:11:24] And then I can like, and then it's like, then I just start feeling like I can't breathe. So that's my progression. I don't know how it is for you.
[00:11:33] Jess: [00:11:33] I can definitely relate to that. Um, for me, I feel like when that anxiety creeps on you, it's like, I can feel it like in my chest. It's almost like you're in the cartoons where you can see the heart beat.
[00:11:49] Like it felt like you could see my heart. Definitely the sweaty palms and just like, there was just like this beating in my ears. I can't describe it. It's like suddenly everything was becomes muffled. Um, but I know one of my worst physical symptoms is definitely like nausea and stuff. Cause I think I keep my anxiety in my stomach.
[00:12:13] If that makes sense. Like when it gets bad, I can feel that nausea. Like, especially before a test or a speech or something. I, I promise you every speech that I've ever given. Like back in high school I had to throw up before, or after it's just,
[00:12:36] SureEyes: [00:12:36] it's weird how like when you experienced mental health stuff in high school, people are just like, oh, you're being such an angsty teen. Like, you're just be like, what do you possibly have to feel anxious about? Like, life is so easy for you. Like, you know, and it's, it's weird because it's probably. So, if I look back, you know, teens are super confusing because you're not a kid, but you're not an adult.
[00:13:04] So like already, you don't know where you fit in, like, you don't like, what am I now? You know, and you don't really have that. Okay. At least let me know how it was for you. But like, for me, I didn't have that independence. To create an identity. It was still very much forced from like parents or school or it was, there was no like independence or freedom for me.
[00:13:34] Jess: [00:13:34] Yeah. To like explore your identity and those kinds of things. Definitely I hear that.
[00:13:39] SureEyes: [00:13:39] Exactly. So, so as soon as you left high school, do you feel like, like when did you start noticing your social anxiety becoming more manageable before we even get there? I suppose how in high school? Like, did you know it was called social anxiety?
[00:13:56] Jess: [00:13:56] I didn't actually know much about it. I didn't even know. There wasn't really much education on mental health. If I can put it like that, like it wasn't spoken about, um, or, you know, educated, like into whatever we were learning at school. Um, so I didn't really know about it. I think I had a conversation with someone it's always the English teacher.
[00:14:21] I had a conversation with the English teacher and she was just showing me, um, these spoken poetry videos about mental health. And I was like, whoa, wait a minute. I can relate to that. And I just remember reading up on it and I was like, whoa. Okay. But I did not self-diagnose cause I know that's the mistake. So. I, when I realised it was getting bad to the point of not wanting to get out of bed and socialise with people, I seek professional help.
[00:14:55] And that's what I learned about social anxiety and all these things.
[00:15:00] SureEyes: [00:15:00] But now this is, this is the thing about mental health, right? It's like if you were down with the flu and didn’t want to get out of bed, at least you would know it's the flu, but because you didn't know that this is actually like an illness that you can manage or like a challenge that you can manage.
[00:15:20] Did you just think it was how you were like, did you just think, fuck, this is my life.
[00:15:24] Jess: [00:15:24] Yeah, definitely. And I never knew if anyone else felt like this awkward, there was something wrong with me. Like I thought this was a bad, bad thing, you know, it's just agh, this is just the way I am.
[00:15:41] SureEyes: [00:15:41] What kind of, when you say professional help, did you, did you, did you go to talk therapy or were you like on meds were you, what was your like coping toolbox?
[00:15:51] Like what were you looking at? Yeah. What were the things that you did that you, so you said you reached out to professionally and then how did you start building, you know, coping skills to help manage the social anxiety?
[00:16:06] Jess: [00:16:06] Um, in terms of reaching out, I'll say it was like a trial and error thing. I tried various, um, things like going to church, you know, churches offer therapy.
[00:16:17] I tried that, that did not work for me. Um, and I mean to highlights like where I found where I got actually proper help, um, I was admitted into, uh, Denma, I don't know what it's called. Is it a mental facility? I want to use the right terminology.
[00:16:41] SureEyes: [00:16:41] Terminology is irrelevant. Right? So you kind of like went somewhere where, there was like specialised treatment, like medicine, specialized medical treatment.
[00:16:52] Jess: [00:16:52] Yeah. I stayed there for about a week. There was obviously professional psychologists there to talk, to like start helping you, giving you the coping mechanisms. And I think that's where I started hearing about like more detail about my, don’t want to call it a condition, but just my situation and what I was going through.
[00:17:14] And when I went from there, once I had like an idea of what I was dealing with, so things like bipolar depression, social anxiety, I could start finding coping mechanisms based on that, you know, targeted at what I was dealing with.
[00:17:32] SureEyes: [00:17:32] But this is the thing. People think that people think that like giving it a name means you're giving it more power, but I almost feel like spending the time to understand it empowers you to deal with it better.
[00:17:50] Jess: [00:17:50] 100%. That's how I feel. I feel exactly the same. It's not that I want to label myself as something. It's more just knowing what I'm dealing with and, you know, thing, getting the tools to cope.
[00:18:05] SureEyes: [00:18:05] Yeah. And so since you left high school, like how, how has kind of the bipolar depression and the kind of social anxiety, how have that and linking back to you
[00:18:19] Being able to be more yourself, right. So not feeling fully yourself in your teens, and then finding ways to express yourself. Like how has that journey been?
[00:18:34] Jess: [00:18:34] Like way better leaving high school. Cause then it was university and university is nothing like high school. There's like that social pressure to fit in. It's like it disappears. There’s no clicks. There’s no need to present yourself a certain way. You know, you wear your own clothes and you can start buying your hair and experimenting with, you know, how you look and I'd say.
[00:19:02] Definitely like was a game changer. I mean, they're getting to, um, how would I put it, explore who I am and how I want to present myself. I just remember, I went through so many hair colour phases
[00:19:20] SureEyes: [00:19:20] every day, girl every day I was just like, oh, now I’ve got hair. Oh no, I don't have hair. Oh no, no. It's blonde. Like just being able to change your aesthetic and play almost
[00:19:38] Jess: [00:19:38] it's this whole thing of like, you suddenly start attracting your vibe.
[00:19:44] Like people who, you know, they see you and they're like, whoa, you know, I get you, and you see them? And you're like, whoa, I get you. That was university like for me
[00:20:02] SureEyes: [00:20:02] I think it also opens your world, like in high school, how many people were in your school? Like 300 people.
[00:20:10] Jess: [00:20:10] Yeah, let's go with 300.
[00:20:12] SureEyes: [00:20:12] I don't even know. Right. I'm just making up numbers. And then you go into the real world where they're like 3000 people and it's like, oh, the shitty people I was around all this time
[00:20:22] are not the only representation of people in the world.
[00:20:24] Jess: [00:20:24]...
12 episodes