The Dad Privilege

The Mental Load

What is the dad privilege?

The dad privilege, maternal gatekeeping and the mental load.

What is dad privilege?

The internet says: it’s when dads are treated like heroes and get praised for doing the same shit that moms do every fucking day. Dads get praised for just showing up. “Aw, you planned dinners for the whole week!” “Aw, you brought your kids to the birthday party!” “Aw, you gave the baby a bath!” -_-

We also say: it’s the ability to just do things in their lives without considering the bigger family picture/schedule: work late, go out for a beer after a long day, coming home from work (where you didn’t pick up the kids) and going straight to your room to “decompress”. Sleeping in when you didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. Putting yourself on bedrest with no questions asked when you’re sick.

Basically the bar for dads is so low, don’t be a piece of shit, but for moms, it’s really high

What is maternal gatekeeping?

A mother’s belief about how much and whether or not a father should be involved in their kids’ lives. Basically it’s how we micromanage our spouses and how we try to create “perfection” within the household.

This happens regardless of relationship status and comes into play when children come into the picture. Why? Women are taught that “mother knows best” so we seek validation through our way being “the right way”

“Mothers might have a difficult time giving up responsibility for care of the family, might want to validate their role as mothers and be recognized for the sacrifices they make for their families, or might view the father as inept or even a danger to his children. This latter view might be based either on actual evidence, the father’s past behaviors, or her personal perceptions of him and his failures as a man and father.

Furthermore, she might protect her child purely as a function of the child’s age. If the child is not old enough to verbalize his or her own needs and desires, she might feel qualified to make decisions and judgments for that child, thus becoming the monitor, supervisor, permission grantor, and controller of all others’ involvement with the child— including the father’s.”

This belief causes her to behave in ways that can include:

• What she says about the father in front of or directly to their child.
• Whether and how often she includes and updates dad on their child’s health, schooling, athletic, religious, and social life, and
• The extent to which she tells dad that she knows what is best for their child and the correct way to do things—while dad doesn’t.

We are taught from a young age our worth and value comes from the home we keep and the children we raise. Moms have “more at stake” in the product (child) than dads since their value isn’t as closely related to the children themselves.

In what ways do we gatekeep in our relationships?

Do moms create or perpetuate the dad privilege?

This behavior cuts our husbands off at the knees. Even if they want to participate, they don’t because - who wants to be micromanaged or judged?

Aside from tapping out, what happens with our husbands in our relationships?

What are our husband’s reactions?

• Learned Helplessness

How do we change?

• Vulnerability?
• Aim for peace not perfection
• When we delegate, set expectations upfront and then let it be - don’t micromanage
• Involve dads more when kids are babies - let them find their stride
• Remind ourselves that there is more than one right way
• Explain the why behind some of our “requirements” so our husbands understand what we’re trying to accomplish and why it’s important.

What is one thing you’re going to change now that you’re more aware of how maternal gatekeeping and learned helplessness?