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It was just about three weeks after his 45th birthday in 2000 when Bill Schmalfeldt was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. In 2007 while working at a federal agency as a writer and podcaster, telling other people about the importance of clinical trials, Bill heard about and volunteered for an experimental brain surgery to determine whether or not "deep brain stimulation" could be done on patients in the earlier stages of the disease. This is the story of Bill's "Parkinson's Decade" from bei ...
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Undercover Trucker: How I Saved America by Truckin' Towels for the Taliban
Bill Schmalfeldt on Podiobooks.com
For his second Podiobook, Bill Schmalfeldt goes from the sublime to the ridiculous. His follow-up to the non-fiction "No Doorway Wide Enough" is this fanciful, hilarious narrative, voiced by disgraced, former alcoholic truck driver Billy Big Rig (who can never reveal his real name because everyone wants to kill him) who -- if he is to be believed -- infiltrated a terror cell, went to Afghanistan, and single-handedly saved America from another terror attack in the days after 9/11. Along the w ...
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In Episode #12, the final episode, Billy Big Rig has been captured by Coalition Forces, who mistake him for an American Taliban. After months and months in captivity, he is finally freed by a most unlikely source. WARNING! His experiences in Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay have done nothing to soften Billy's attitudes or overall demeanor. If you are…
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In Episode #11, Billy Big Rig finally has to deal with the ardorous advances of Qaboos. America invades Afghanistan, so Billy and Rafa have to accompany the Taliban to Tora Bora. Rafa gets her ultimate revenge, Billy gets HIS ultimate revenge, then something bad happens! WARNING! Billy has something of a potty mouth with neanderthal attitudes about…
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In Episode #10, Billy Big Rig gains even MORE respect for his Israeli assigned operative. And he reveals the truth about what REALLY happened to Saddam Hussein -- and how the government has been lying to us for years! WARNING! Billy's language and political views would make Rush Limbaugh blush -- if Rush were, in fact, capable of shame. If you are …
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In Episode #9, Billy Big Rig starts his new job with the Taliban -- taking dirty laundry to a laundry in Kabul. His operative, one of the Taliban leader's wives, has been assigned to go with him since she speaks some English. In fact, Rafa is an Israeli agent who speaks better English than Billy does. It's Billy's job to find out what he can find o…
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In Episode #8, Billy Big Rig meets his covert, undercover operative in Afghanistan. He goes through the ritual procedures to become an actual Muslim. And he gets to meet the head of the Taliban. WARNING: Billy has been called "uncouth," and that is by people who LIKE him. If you have no sense of humor, no sense of satire, then you probably don't wa…
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In Episode #7, Billy Big Rig and the Islamic Extremists travel to Afghanistan, and Billy shares the details of his brief time in the Navy. This will be an important part of the story -- later. WARNING: Billy is a rough and salty individual. He uses language (except for the "F" Bomb) that some might find offensive and his views about politics are ha…
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In Episode #6, Billy Big Rig get out of jail, quite easily in fact. He gets a job selling pizza while awaiting orders to travel to Afghanistan, and decides to take a side trip down to DC to see if the NEW President STILL wanted him to carry out the orders of the OLD president. A Reminder! Billy Big Rig is NOT the most "Politically Correct" fella yo…
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After being coerced by the Warden and President Clinton into convincing Qaboos to include him in his escape plans, Billy has some time to think about past mistakes -- including his many, many marriages. He's been stabbed, beaten with billy clubs and handcuffed naked to a light pole in a truck stop in Effingham, Ill. But only one of his ex-wives car…
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In Episode #4, Billy Big Rig introduces us to his "Sand Freightliner" cellmate, Qaboos. His new friend tries to share the basic tenents of Islam with Billy, but Billy has a problem with any religion where a fella can't eat pork. But friendship is friendship, and when Billy catches wind of Qaboos' plan to escape with several of his fellow Islamic pr…
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In this episode, disgraced former alcoholic truck driver Billy Big Rig explains how he BECAME a disgraced former alcoholic truck driver. And it was all his own fault. He sees that now. And God must CERTAINLY look out for fools, idiots, alcoholics and truck drivers, because if he had flipped that tanker over comin' out FULL with the stuff they load …
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In the last episode, you met Billy Big Rig -- disgraced former alcoholic truck driver, bon vivant, and the most enlightened bigot you'll ever meet. He can never reveal his true identity because nefarious agents want him dead. In Episode #2, Billy gets his chance to drive a truck. But after nearly murdering his co-driver, Sammy, for letting a "lot l…
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Meet Billy Big Rig. Now, that ain't his real name. He can never reveal his true identity because the government wants him dead. Why? Because it was HIM who saved America in the days after 9/11, and THEY want you to think THEY did it. In this first hilarious episode, Billy explains his tragic upbringing with an alcoholic mom, a brutal father, and an…
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In this FINAL EPISODE of "No Doorway Wide Enough, I'll explain how this book came by its name. I'll serve up, perhaps, the WEIRDEST dream I've had so far, I'll share a poem I call, "Ode to an Adult Diaper," we'll wrap up the first round of physical therapy, I'll run down a list of things I wanted to discuss with my neurologist at the next visit, an…
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In this, the pentultimate episode, I start with the speech therapy. I share my toughts on whether or not drowning in iced tea is a good way for a man to die. Then I share some of the untold benefits of working at home, and I wondered aloud about the lack of Parkinson's Disease Awareness during Parkinson's Disease Awareness month and the reasons for…
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In Episode 15, I talk with blessed assurance about what is going to happen to me after I die... and it has NOTHING to do with religion. I cause a little kid to be terrified of old men and their walkers. I have my first really vivid and well-formed hallucination. I discuss the curse of nightly throat crud. And I answer a Facebook posting from a very…
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In THIS episode, more bizarre dreams in which Evil Nurses call me a FAKER! In addition to all my other difficulties, I start having trouble... talking! It's time for another visit with the neurologist, and I wonder, who should I listen to... the doctor, or the ice cream. Why is it that young people are in such a hurry when it's the OLD folks who ar…
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In this episode, we'll discuss life immediately after my sister's untimely passing, more falling, more vivid dreaming, some of the more disgusting and gross aspects of Parkinson's disease, and why it sucks to be slow when it's cold outside. Don't let the description fool you. This is a fun episode and a "must listen" for anyone who has ever pooped …
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This is No Doorway Wide Enough, the story of my Parkinson's Decade from getting the diagnosis in 2000 to volunteering for experimental brain surgery in 2007, to the mixed results I'm experiencing today. In Episode #11, we wrapped up with a little poem called, "Ode to a Frozen Foot." In this episode, I'll talk about some of the practical application…
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Welcome to Episode #11 of No Doorway Wide Enough on Podiobooks. In Episode #10, we saw how Parkinson's disease has begun to affect my driving skills and my ability to get to and from my job in mid-2009. And we started delving into the world of REM Sleep Behavior Disorder and the wacky dreams it causes. In Episode #11, the dreams get MORE bizarre, I…
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In this episode of No Doorway Wide Enough, we see how Parkinson's disease begins to affect my driving skills and my ability to get to and from my job in mid-2009. And we start delving into the world of REM Sleep Behavior Disorder and the wacky dreams it causes. Don't forget, you can find hard copies of this book at: Lulu.com (Hardcover, paperback a…
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Episode 9 begins with me falling in the shower. I get to yell at God a little bit when I learn that my sister has terminal cancer. I'm slowing down, dragging out, falling down and bleeding all over a hotel bathroom. And one of my dogs won't stop peeing on the floor! Such is the drama in my Parkinsonian life. Welcome to another episode of "No Doorwa…
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In Episode 8 of "No Doorway Wide Enough", pull up a chair and join me for a delicious "Lump o' Egg" as we sweat our way through Droolfest II -- that 8-day period at the Vanderbilt University Medical Center's General Clinical Research Center when they turn off the Deep Brain Stimulation devices, take away the Parkinson's disease medications... and w…
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All the deep brain stimulation hardware is in place. Now it's time for the programming. Unfortunately, I live near Baltimore and the guy doing the programming is in Nashville. This makes for some interesting day trips. Let the programming begin as you listen to Episode 7 of "No Doorway Wide Enough." (BTW: In this episode -- I SING!!!)…
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The first two surgeries are done and over with. There's one left, the one they said was "piece of cake, in and out, two hours, no problem." So why did my neck hurt so bad when it was all over with? Enjoy Episode #6 of "No Doorway Wide Enough." And remember... any donations I receive will go to the National Parkinson Foundation and the DBS Research …
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In this episode, I take you with me into the operating room for a seven-hour surgery to place electrodes deep into my brain. But first, I have to deal with some jagoff at a bar, try to get a good night's sleep while staring at the grim spectre of death and have a catheter put in. Then, after the surgery, I have to wait many more hours for a hospita…
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At Vanderbilt, they do DBS surgery in three stages. In this episode, I have the first stage done... the placement of four bone markers that are screwed into my skull. I walk around with these things in my head for about a week before the main surgery.
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Once I was accepted into Vanderbilt's clinical trial, I had to undergo an 8-day stay at their General Clinical Research Center during which my Parkinson's medications would be withdrawn and I would be monitored and studied. At the end of the 8th day, my symptoms would be compared with the symptoms I had on the first day. And then they would reach i…
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A big part of my job as Production Manager at the National Institutes of Health Radio News Service was to write and produce podcasts informing the public about the importance of clinical trials in the search for new and better treatments for diseases. So here I was, with a perfectly good case of Parkinson's disease. What was I going to do with it? …
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Was it karma that caused my Parkinson's disease? Well, I was less than kind to an old farmer I worked for in high school (behind his back, of course) who suffered from the disease. So who knows. This first section of "No Doorway Wide Enough" tells the story of my challenge to get a diagnosis in 1999 and 2000 (I kept hearing, "You're Too Young!"), t…
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