"Out of the two of them, who do you think is the good witch and the bad witch? I would say Cathy's the good witch, Abby is definitely the bad witch!" It's ironic on the eve of the release of the Wicked movie that we get an episode that heavily centers on wicked witches, though the biggest witch of the all according to our bitches here can't even se…

"Best mom hack you learned being on Dance Moms? How about: Don't try this at home!" We're always getting requests to do more Q&A episodes, so here ya go! If you're part of our Patreon then you're already used to us answering your questions, but not everyone has hopped aboard with all of our little Bitchettes just yet! So we figured what better way …

"My group should be 10 points above anyone else... Hold on, the group was 10 points above!" Perhaps it's just because things are about to get much worse but it's quite funny how in-stride our bitches handle some of Abby's most convoluted hoop jumps yet to make their children look bad on the second half of "Abby Strikes Back". First to deal with Abb…

"I feel that every Dance Moms episode from this point forwards should just be called like Abby Hates Us or Abby Screws Us Over." says Christi as Abby begins to push her luck by asking the moms to start promoting online to find replacements FOR THEMSELVES on Season 4's "Abby Strikes Back". The first open auditions for the ALDC are this week and Abby…

"I am not a Dance Moms fan. I hate watching it!" mourns Christi, as even when she does nothing at all production manages to spin a scenario to get her in trouble with Abby. As the second half of "Two Can Play This Game" gets underway there is some confusion about the line-up of solo performances at competition. Jill had been under the impression th…

"Abby says to Chloe that she has the dancer's body. She has the look. Your technique shines through, you can nail it no matter what. listen to that positive shit! Hu huh. I'm willing to bet you Kelly that that's what she said to Maddie and they edited it so she says it to Chloe. She would never say that to Chloe," admits Christi reluctantly. Even w…

"There's nothing else happening during Pyramid so of course the kids are listening. I don't know, half the time I wasn't listening. I was just standing there pretending. I was thinking about rainbows and lollipops somewhere." As Kelly notes, there is very little you can do when Abby has already prepared to dampen the mood of your day, and on the se…

“I felt bad for Brooke, I felt bad for Chloe…I felt bad. I really did. You can just tell that it’s an ugly, ugly, ugly time,” laments Christi as the ALDC returns for another season of Dance Moms. While the girls visibly seem to be older, Abby is still the same old Abby. That’s maybe not quite true, she does seem quite a bit meaner! Abby reveals tha…

"The show is not getting any better for you and I at this point. The only thing that's going to get better is we're going to leave." says Christi, to which Kelly readily celebrates. But until that time comes our Bitches are still stuck in the middle of the "Hurricane Abby" reunion. Abby storms out over her conversation with Kelly and the rest of th…

"Lucky we're recapping a really shitty episode today!" You know it's a bad one when Christi can't even start the recap without mentioning how bad it's going to be. Are any of you bitchettes surprised, it is a reunion episode after all! By far "Hurricane Abby" has got to be one of the roughest reunions yet as both Christi and Kelly are singled out w…

"An interview chair is fun for five minutes, but for twelve hours? Like being in the room with Abby having to interview her, a solid 40% of the time being on her phone with her lawyer because she doesn't want to answer one of the questions I'm asking? Telling me that I should have spent 15 more minutes doing my hair and make-up or listening to the …

"I'm a horrible human being. Well no you aren't you have cancer so you have a pass right? Isn't that the way it goes? Yeah, and this is the cancer episode!" Well now that Kelly has an excuse and Christi is still AWOL on the second half of the Dance Moms Cares Special, it should be smooth sailing from here with no more infighting. Right? Abby even h…

"Jersey Shore is not doing this shit. Teen Mom is not doing this shit. No, the Dance Moms are. Housewives they would never!" Christi notes as there really is no other show on TV that would make someone unbox a stuffed Broadway Baby, who makes their grand return to haunt all those who lay eyes on it. This week we jump ahead just a little bit to the …

"Those kids on that team want to beat you! Yeah I kind of think thats what happens when everyone there wants to beat you." On the second half of "The Big, Not So, Easy", its finally time for the ALDC and the Candy Apples to go head to head. "Coincidently" both teams show up at the same time, and the Candy Apples take up the opportunity to throw som…

“We are doing an episode this week that I have been dreading for 12 years," mourns Christi as she can't wait any longer now that the ALDC is finally heading to nationals once more! It's been a long and arduous Season 3, but it all comes to a head on "The Big, Not So, Easy". Fair warning: this episode has a lot to take in so it's a two parter. Don't…

"I don't even know what episode it is. Season 3 Episode 36? There's so many episodes in Season 3, who thought this was a good idea!" exclaims Christi as it is indeed Episode 36 "Do-Si-Do and Do-Si-Don't". In order to stretch the season out as much as possible this week, Abby threatens that the girl's performance at In10sity Dance Buffalo Invitation…

"Who would take their child to a dance class that, when the dance teacher tells you to do something, you have a fucking panic attack?" asks Kelly as she reflects on the moment she finally reached the end of her rope with Dance Moms on "Divas Las Vegas". While the show attempted to tie off the proceedings with a small moment of Abby being kind, Kell…

"They always blame everything on me. Like Abby being there is because of me? I had to be there. I was forced to come back!" Kelly notes for what increasingly feels like the millionth time as the show attempts to use Kelly and her kids as drama fodder on "On-Again, Off-Again Abby". Abby is still out for the week but makes a special appearance at the…

"If we're being honest, you cannot script Abby," admits Christi as she tries to articulate why Dance Moms was such a success and Dance Moms: Miami only ran one season. It's one of the many topics discussed on this week's bonus Q&A episode! If you're a member of the Back to the Barre Patreon then you already know it's the best place to get your ques…

"This was the greatest moment in Dance Moms history as far as I was concerned." exclaims Christi since Abby is away "with her mother" and Gia is left in charge on "Gone, Abby Gone". There isn't even a Pyramid this week, how could this not be the best week ever? Cause Abby still found a way to make it awful! But most of that wasn't shown on camera, …

"What do we do with [Broadway Baby]? Put a Big Mac inside of her!" jokes Kelly as after many months of waiting Abby finally is reunited with Broadway Baby's stuffed corpse on "The Dancing Dead". But as Christi and Kelly point out, it's pretty obvious that Broadway Baby got a bit more than a facelift at the taxidermist. While the show notes Baby has…

"Crabapples? I wonder how many things we can say that's not Candy Apples? We really go for it." observes Christi as the second half of "Clash of the Dance Moms" boils down to quite a lot of name calling and not much else. This week the ALDC is competing at Believe National Talent Competition in Lancaster, PA with Payton and Leslie filling in for th…

"We're not going to lose to that evil woman. I'm the only evil woman in your life. Well that's for sure." jokes Kelly while enjoying the fact she's still in exile during this week's episode. As "Clash of the Dance Moms" kicks off Abby is makes her disdain for Kelly's absence abundantly clear as Paige and Brooke are slotted at the bottom of the pyra…

"We're not three minutes in and I want to puke," groans Christi as Dance Moms moves away from recaps and back into the thick of it with "Recital Rebellion". It's time once again for the annual ALDC recital and, in the intervening weeks since filming, it seems that something has gone amiss because even before Pyramid begins its clear everyone is on …

"We want to know how long it's going to take for somebody to come and try and arrest us. Wouldn't that be hysterical if we got arrested here? It would be a full circle moment and obviously about a decade in the making," our lovely Bitches observe as they reunite in person for a visit back to the old ALDC studio (wine bottle in hand and 100% not tre…

“This next scene is genuinely one of the wildest scenes I’ve ever seen on television. I cannot believe the words that are going to come out of Melissa’s mouth,” notes Christi as Abby's long not-awaited return to the ALDC heralds just as much drama as one would fear on "Tap Versus Hip Hop". If Pyramid weren't enough to dredge back up the Chloe loosi…

“You get so much accomplished without ever moving all that much. God he keeps bringing that up!” Christi and Kelly note as even the guests struggle to breath life into "Dance Moms Chatter: Part 2". Although Abby is still in LA filming Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, she stuck around long enough for a sit down talk with Melissa, Jeff, guest comed…

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"My obnoxious level in this episode escalates very quickly," notes Christi as before "Dance Moms Chatter Part 1" can even begin she's already pretty drunk. But in a rare occurrence, Christi and Kelly don't have to hide their booze in coffee cups because this week, martini glasses are out in the open! With Jeff Collins moderating it's clip-show week…

"I could watch a 24 hour live stream of the shit that Cathy and Vivi talk about," remarks Christi as Season 3's "No Room for Rotten Apples" is another Cathy-centric episode. It's not the most eventful of affairs as the producers even included an inordinate amount of dance footage this week to compensate, but what is there is... deeply weird. For ex…

On this special episode of Back to the Barre, Christi and Kelly invite you to join them live from Mom's Weekend at Ohio University for a moderated Q&A in front of a nearly 1000 person crowd! With so many great questions from both the moderators and the audience, it only seemed fit to share them with our little Bitchettes as we're certain you've all…

“You were in Aruba and I had to work on my vacation, so I deserved a coffee cup,” Kelly says as she reflects on how unfair it was that even though the moms were ostensibly promised time off while Abby was filming Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, she still got stuck being a stooge for the production this week while Christi enjoyed some R&R. Season…

“This is like Top of the Pyramid for Suckular behavior,” says Christi as things really do suck on "Two Girls, One Solo". First of all, what sicko thought it was ok to name the episode THAT!? There are children here! Second, this episode is easily in Christi's Top 3 worst Dance Mom experiences so you know it's a rough one. Abby preps the next "power…

What could have ticked Kelly off enough to once say, “I always knew in the back of my head that the day would come where Christ would stab me in the back, and you know what? She did...”? If you ask either Kelly or Christi now they'd be hard pressed to give you an answer! It's time once again for Christi and Kelly to be fighting one another for some…

“I’m ready to shoot myself” is not something you want to hear aloud too often, but this week our beloved Bitches find themselves repeating that A LOT as they struggle to get through what might the first episode to really push them over the edge. "Boy Crazy, Mom Crazy" is such a wild episode that this recording managed to be almost two hours long an…

"On a regular Dance Moms episode you drink on a scale from one to five. A reunion is a one to ten scale," says Christi as the Bitches start the 2nd Part of Season 3's reunion special "Tell All". While it might be a pretty easy episode for Christi herself, there's still enough Abby depravity to go around! Kristie Ray joins the discussion and goes on…

“This is not an opportunity to set the record straight, HERE is the opportunity now 10 years later to set the record straight,” explains Christi as even when the moms got to explain themselves, they were never REALLY allowed to. Consequently there's no hell for our Bitches quite like a Dance Mom's Reunion episode, and Season 3's "Tell All" is a two…

“God, the first statement [of the episode] irritated me” says Kelly as she straps in for "The Mother of All Specials", Dance Mom's own Mother's Day celebration. For a show with plenty of moms you'd imagine the producers could focus in on pretty much any one of them, and yet this is an Abby centric episode. As Abby says, "Whom knows more about being…

"How does Abby get to call him an ass like that and then acted shocked when he responds back," wonders Christi as things begin to go downhill fast on the second half of "Candy Apple Showdown". With the ALDC arriving at the Masters of Dance Art Invitational, Kelly preps for what remains one of her worst Dance Mom memories. Things get off to a rocky …

Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code [BARRE] at LumeDeodorant.com! #lumepod www.LumeDeodorant.com “This is a drinky episode,” says Christi as she announces drink four only three lines into the first page of the "Candy Apple Showdown" notes. Though Bitch #1 and #2 a…

"The foot is done!" exclaims both Christi and Kelly as the arduous Mackenzie's Broken Foot Saga finally comes to a close. After all, would Melissa let Mackenzie's foot stay broken if it meant not getting to dance on The View? On Season 3's "The View From the Top", the ALDC hits New York for a special appearance on The View that is being guest hoste…

"Do you want to vomit on her, or do you want to vomit on her?” asks Christi as things are as painful as ever on "May I Have This Dance". After coming in second yet again, Abby is fed up with everyone (but Maddie) and is starting to get particularly cruel with her comments during Pyramid (of course except for Maddie). Paige's treatment of the flag w…

"Life is just a lesson," remarks Christi, "My Instagram bio literally says I make mistakes...some are on TV." At least she can be assured that on the second half of "The Politics of Dancing" the only one making mistakes as per usual is Abby, who is determined to pit the kids against one another no matter the cost. As the ALDC arrives in Philadelphi…

Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code [BARRE] at LumeDeodorant.com! #lumepod "You are 15 you piece of shit," is not exactly what Abby said to Brooke, but Christi couldn't have summed up the mood better as Abby froths at the mouth after losing to Cathy. As "The Polit…

“Somebody has to fight with her,” remarks Kelly as we go through the motions of introducing Kristie Ray into the mom group on the second half of "Watch Your Back, Mack". Even though the moms (and especially our bitches) are on their best behaviors, tensions still seem to mount as Kristie begins to try and push the mom's every button. Though the sho…

"You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to postmates a drink," Christi jokes as she's booze-less going into what may be one of the strangest episodes of Dance Moms yet. Season 3's "Watch Your Back, Mack" is most notable for the introduction of Asia Monet Ray, the newest member of the ALDC and a former competitor on Abby's Ultimate Dance Competiti…

Due to techimical difficulties, we're replacing this week's epsiode with two bonus After Party episodes. Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Due to technical difficulties, this week's episode is being replaced by two After Parties. Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“In a 30 second span, two of the most iconic Dance Moms moments happen back to back,” Christi exclaims as "She's a Maniac" has those and more iconic moments to spare. To mark the occasion (and to celebrate one of her few episodes where she doesn't suffer) the Bitches welcome Paige Hyland to the Barre! Abby brings in Broadway dancer Rachelle Rak to …

"I can’t drink I’ll die!" laments Christi as she nurses a migraine while trying to still overcome the fact Jill really seemed like she wanted Kendall to play Rosa Parks. It's the second half of "The Apple of Her Eye" and it's time for Power House Dance Competition where the ALDC is up against Cathy's boys once more, and this time losing to Cathy is…