On a modern game show it can be easy to become distracted by all the sleek prizes, the flashy gimmicks, and the sometimes charismatic hosts. This time we can't let those distractions deter us. Sure, we could maybe make it out of this one with a bunch of money and prizes to take home, but the real prize is hidden in plain sight - on a flash drive ha…

Blake Shelton is out here making a game show that is basically a commercial for his Nashville bar, where the booze is always flowing and the vibes are great. Well the Professional Contestants are gonna call you on that one, Blake. Be careful what you wish for because by the time we're done, your bar is gonna look like the aftermath of a Project X a…

Ok, we get it. Maybe we can't just climb into an aquarium and expect to automatically win a bunch of random chance games against some fish. But what if we make ourselves really tiny first? And what if one of us is scuba certified? And what if we get an octopus involved? It probably still wont work, yeah, WE KNOW. At least eating the other contestan…

We love the Queer Eye guys. The things they do to change peoples' lives for the better is pretty great. But if you ask us, it's time for a change. This time, the strong man, the bearded lady, the lion tamer, the clowns, and the ring leader are coming to town. They're here to tell you that you have a gross body and shoot you out of a cannon. All thi…

Shaquille O'Neal is a man who thinks highly of himself. So much so that he created a television show dedicated to him challenging the world's best individuals in every field to competitions in their area of expertise. He rarely, if ever emerges victorious, but we still think he needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Watch out Shaq, The Professional…

When it comes to music trivia, it's safe to say we know a thing or two, and we know more than just current pop music. For example, did you know that way back when the pop charts first started, the first song to top two charts simultaniously was the mega hit "Banging Hot Rocks?" It was number one on both Cave Man Hits and Top Iguana Tracks. The more…

We here at Professional Contestants aren't exactly what you would call entrepreneurs. We don't claim to be amazing at identifying products with potential and investing in them. But if we have learned anything from reality tv show judges like Mark Cuban, Simon Cowell, and Gordon Ramsay, it's that being mean to the person presenting to us will defini…

If you had to convince someone that you were an expert in something, what would it be? Something broad like "musicians?" Maybe something very specific like "Celebrities on The Simpsons?" What about something unapproachable like "The Golden Age of The Ottoman Empire?"All good ideas, but our tastes lay more along the lines of "That Witch Who Cursed M…

When you have been creating game show strategies as long as we have, you begin to realize that sometimes its best to play to your strengths. But who would have thought that one of our strengths would be a deep knowledge of the powers associated with The Flash, including how to give someone those powers? As it turns out, it's quite easy to become a …

Let me start this off by admitting that we have made a mistake. When finding game shows to watch for this podcast we tend to avoid ones that are just trivia questions and ones that are already specifically comedic. Folks, this one is both. However, it does have one unique thing going for it. All the questions are about current events. And sure, we …

Wow everyone. We are truly getting a once in a lifetime experience with this game show. The chance to be at Disney World, in the Magic Kingdom, after hours. Just us and our friend Mickey Mouse and OH NO SOME EVIL QUEENS?!? Everyone! Quick! Focus on stopping these bad queens from stealing all of the holiday magic from the world! Don't worry about wh…

Every year, Scout Elves appear in the homes of children to watch them, determine if they're naughty or nice, and report back to Santa. At least that's what parents want them to think. We three full grown Professional Contestants know better, and we also know how to leverage the same tactics against our opponents in this "sweet making" competition. …

For years, game show producers have been asking the same question over and over: How can I make a boring game interesting for people to watch on television. Like Bingo, for example. Can it make a good game show? As it turns out, no. But if you make it colorful, musical, bilingual, and add a charming host and some salsa dancers you sure can come clo…

Happy belated Snake Day everyone! We once again will be celebrating the only way we know how, by submitting ourselves to the next horrible installment of the Saw franchise. Will Zach pay enough attention to remember the plot of the movie at all? Will Jared be unnecessarily mean to Tobin Bell's performance? Will Adam be able to hide the fact that he…

Picture this. Halloween night is quickly approaching. You are hard at work getting together your costume and want to make sure you have the best possible plans to show it off. You're struggling to find the right event, and then you get the email. You're invited. Frankenstein's birthday. DM for address. What would you do to make it to that party? An…

I think it's safe to say that many CEOs of big companies have daddy issues, and if Inception has taught us anything, it's that by exploiting those daddy issues, you can get said CEO to give up their company. All we need to do is adapt it for our situation. Get rid of all the dream stuff, add a hyper realistic puppet of Jim Henson, maybe a little bi…

We have once again returned, dear listener, to the time of the year where we celebrate all of the scariest things that game shows have to offer. This year we have definitely stepped it up a notch, because what's scarier than ghosts, skeletons, zombies, or any other traditional Halloween monster? Being naked in the jungle with a stranger for 21 days…

Time of death, approximately 7:34 pm. I saw the carnage right there on the television screen. What was once a beautiful intact word had been all jumbled up into a mess of letters, almost unrecognisable from it's original form. But don't you worry, The Unjumblers are on the case. We're gonna find whoever jumbled up these poor words and bring them to…

I think we can all agree that one of the worst places for unexpected shenanigans to occur is on an airplane, ESPECIALLY one that is mid flight. So leave it to our old pal Mark L. Walberg to do that exact thing via a game show that should be a crime against humanity. Well, if he can do it, so can we. Our game show's rules are much simpler though: gi…

Picture this. You're feeling cozy. Like, REALLY cozy. Like, on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, watching your favorite tv show on a cold day cozy. But you're hungry. Like, REALLY hungry. Suddenly, the smell of chocolate chip pancakes wafts in from the other room. Are you getting up to eat those pancakes? Thats right, we know you are. And that's …

Look, not only is this game show uninteresting, but it is also incredibly easy to win. We had to address it eventually, you know our vow! So in lieu of actually talking about this game show, prepare yourself for an hour or so of bits about the moon landing, Anthony Fauci, and Phantom of the Opera X Mad TV. And if you don't think its funny, you're n…

Let's play Balderdash. The topic is 'Ways to make sure someone is telling the truth.' There's truth serum. There's polygraph tests. There's the birthday wish of a child with a pure heart. Two of these are fake, and one is real. I'll give you a second to think... but it's pretty obvious, right? We agree. Now we just need to figure out how to get You…

Please join us in rememberance of this day. For once we have concocted a plan that not only makes sense, but also has a high chance of actually working. All we need is some hydrophobic material and a bunch of Hollywood studio quality squib rigs, Oh, and if the body scanner registers any metal in Jared's pants, don't worry about that. He won that me…

On most television show sets, if an unexpected vehicle suddenly started driving around, you could rightfully expect production to halt until the issue is resolved. It is chaotic, unscripted, and quite simply a safety hazard. BUT... it is Boston Tony's last day, and he has a hard out at 5pm. It would really be a shame if he had to leave before we ca…

They just don't make kids game shows like they used to... but should they? After some market research, our studies show that kids just don't like slime anymore. However, is this because we just aren't giving them enough of it? In this paper, The Professional Contestants aim to explore how the type and amount of slime used in childrens' entertainmen…

As sure as the days grow longer and the temperature creeps higher, the Summer of Summers will return to the feed of the Professional Contestants. Once again we find ourselves facing a game show made for childen, that we as grown men are extremely capable of winning. We just need to place our intelect into something that can actually participate in …

Every great spicy wing eating competition consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge." The chef shows you something extremely spicy: a hot wing doused in bright red sauce. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed really, truly, spicy. But of course... it always is. The second act …

The fog rolls in. The engines rev. You wait in anticipation for the life sized Hot Wheel of your dreams to drive out onto the stage. Slowly, it emerges... Pete Davidson. Sure, you may be dissapointed at first, but this boy is about to transform into either a car or a monkey. Either way, we think that is a good enough idea to earn us $25,000. Anyway…

Who among us can truly claim to know the innerworkings of a centaur. There has to be some stuff going on in there that we humans cannot even fathom. However, we don't have to understand it to know that those guys would be great at jousting. Horse and man, together as one, cannot be stopped. Now all we have to do is find a witch to turn Jared into o…

Masterclass. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Famous experts in their field teach online classes to whoever wants to pay to recieve the knowledge. But why not take it one step further? Let these experts work together to teach entirely new crossover subjects. For example, Clarinet Songs to Gamble To on a Cattle Drive: by Kenny Rodgers,…

You don't have to be married to play along with a "Newlywed Game" type of competition. You don't even have to be dating. You could just be two friends who know a lot about each other and want to test that knowledge. Hell, you could both be Batman and all of your answers are just about how you have Alfred do everything for you. Whats that? Did I los…

Not all game shows are kooky, over the top, wild rides, ok? We love a silly show as much as you do, but we did make an oath to conquer EVERY game show, and that includes the ones that are just charades. Like, seriously. This one is just charades. But just because this show is entirely a bad party game, that doesn't mean we can't get the newly crown…

As usual, in this episode we go on quite a few tangents involving tornados, curds and whey, chili five ways, etc. However, this time I want to really make sure you all understand that those silly side bars do not detract from the severity of the situation that Jared finds himself in. He really needs your help, PLEASE give him the answers to this ga…

We, the Professional Contestants, have taken an oath to find a way to win every game show ever. You know this. We know this. Yet somehow we still find ourselves blindsided by the occasional very bad, very old, very cursed by a mummy game show. You would think we'd have learned by now. Why am I bringing this up now? No reason... Anyway, here's Haggi…

We here at Professional Contestants are on the cutting edge of technology, infrastructure, and innovation. Through our unique outlook on the world, we are able to dream up concepts that others' minds are unable to achieve. Now... yes this one does happen to just be a 300 mile long toaster, but we really think it's gonna change the world! Zach expla…

I KNOW we say this often but this game show really could be solved with a Rumpelstiltskin themed plan! Then again it could be a Macduff plan. Or a Little Man plan. Or a Rip Van Winkle plan. Or even a secret twins plan. You're confused, I get it, but this mistake of a game show requires some real lateral thinking if we are gonna steal $10,000 from a…

Listen up everyone! Don't be alarmed, but we are going to do some sins in this one. Nothing too crazy - just the fun ones. It's ok, sometimes it's necessary to do bad things in order to, in the long run, do good things... like win money on a game show. That's what life is really all about, right? Zach is great at guessing the seven heavenly virtues…

Once a year you may find yourself looking at the sky and you'll notice that all the stars have gone. Well that's because they're all down here with us... but they're at the Golden Globes or the Oscars or something. They're DEFINITELY not at this boring basement house party that the USA Network filmed and called a game show. But with a little help f…

Welcome to our holiday episode! No, it isn't late - we just maintain that the holiday season continues through Epiphany, meaning we just like to make jokes about the three wise men. Anyway, whatever holiday you are celebrating this winter, join us for discussion on gift wrapping etiquette, how we must stop James Cameron, and somehow... even MORE Ha…

We tend to talk about Harry Potter more than we should on this podcast, but a Harry Potter themed game show? Why, that would give us the excuse to talk about it for a full episode. We could even reveal to you all the canonical fifth Hogwarts House: The House of Hagrid. Wait no... The House of Aragog... Or was it The House of Jones? It doesn't reall…

What do the United States Supreme Court, the soul of Mister Ed, and Adam Sandler's film career all have in common? Truly nothing, but we still somehow managed to talk at length about each of these topics in this episode. These bad MTV game shows always bring out the best in us. Anyway, get ready to be strapped to an arm chair and have snacks poured…

There's a secret to being a pop music sensation that many people don't know about. We here at the Professional Contestants, however, have cracked that code, and we are here to share it with you. I mean, sure we are also going to use it to our benefit by distracting a bunch of celebrities to win at a charity event, but you can know about it too. Lea…

You wanna know what sets us apart? Some wildly popular and well known podcast hosts only give you one "experience." I won't say who... but OUR podcast will give you a bit of his experience, and also many more experiences. This one's got a Brigham Young Experience, a Jared Padalecki Experience, and even a Zippo The Dinosaur Experience. Take that, yo…

Happy Snake Day! As is our burden once every year, we return to you having viewed the next unfortunate installment in the Saw franchise. Did we finally find a Saw movie we enjoy? Well... let's just say we were happy to have the final few entries in the Apple Orchard Monster saga to talk about afterward as a palate clenser. Zach want's everyone in S…

We tried to take a break from strictly spooky vibes today in favor of something just a bit more fall themed, but the scariest things aren't always ghosts and ghouls. Some may say the scariest thing is damnation, and these Punkin Popes are gonna be sure this pumpkin goes to Heaven. Zach builds catapults every year, Jared plans to save the pumpkin's …

Jared has long preached about his rule that applies not just to haunted houses, but life at large: if someone touches you, you can touch them back. However, those rules may apply more to this game show than any other we've done before. Everyone step back, becasue we're gonna punch doors, we're gonna punch actors, we might even punch a nun! Don't sa…

As we continue to march further into the spookiest of all the months, we also continue our trend of spending half of the episode talking at length about the deep fiction surrounding the Apple Orchard Monster. We know what you want, so here it is - thirty minutes of the actual original journal entries detailing the story of Zach and Adam's childhood…

Welcome back all you witches and ghouls, the most slithery time of the year has returned! That's right, Snake With Big Teeth is upon us once again. This year, we kick off our celebration the only way we know how, going on a spooky themed tangent for about 20 minutes and then trying to figure out what The Undertaker's greatest fear might be. One thi…

The energy in the room was a little different than usual when we were recording this episode, which is to say, the energy was in three different rooms. But look, we are artists, and we know how to harness that energy. So welcome to Three Rooms - three thirds of a podcast episode, each with a different director. Table of Contents - Room 1: Ass Based…

An indisputable truth: adding more meat to a meal can only make it better. It has been proven with KFC's legendary dish, The Double Down. So if a double down is good, then a Triple Down must be even better - and we are tripling down on EVERYTHING. Zach wants to build a bridge to England, Jared is secretly Mr. Bolkovich, and Adam is fed up with Avat…