*in the voice of Julie Andrews* Dearest Gentle Listener, Now, you didn't think we'd forgotten to maintain our ongoing commitment to providing you Patreon content content, did you? Well, worry not little lamb, your shepherds haven't forgotten you. In this episode you can look forward to such delights as thus, as well as the story of the only female …

Blessings upon all ye blasphemers, for we are back from summer vacation!!! This is one of the BEST Bible stories we've gotten to cover so far as we continue in the Book of Judges with the stories of Othniel, Ehud, and also Shamgar was there. Most of the time we focus on the story of Ehud and his diabolical scheming, and how he secures victory for I…

Happy Bible! We've finally said goodbye to Joshua and are entering our Biblical Folk Hero Era. With no successor named by Joshua, the nation of Israel continues on without a conduit to God. A generation has passed and it turns out God's not really popular anymore. And so God didn't take that well . He essentially sees Israel as though it is his adu…

Welcome to church sweet flock! This week Youth Pastor Dan (YPD) tells us the story of Joshua again..but faster this time. Think of it like the notes someone gave you about the key takeaways of the reading assignment. There's some extra flavor that's added along the way, but this ep rounds off the Book of Joshua as he dies at the age of 110, naming …

Hello again to all our precious Blasphemers! This week we learn about a very interesting event that could only be explained by a divine act…. Sort of. Joshua commands the sun to stand still, which helps them while they save Gibeon (which they have to do because of their tricksy covenant.) Then after a short detour, we head back to the Music Room. E…

Happy Episode day, blasphemers!! This week Dan teaches us about how the Gibeonites made the diabolical choice to deceive the Israelites in order to secure their protection against being slaughtered… the audacity!!! After that, in the pop corner, our conversation resembles a bouncy ball set loose in a long linoleum hallway. Also some spoilers as we …

Blessed hump day congregation! In this week’s installment of The Bible, our valiant heroes raze the city of Ai, leaving no survivors. They then immortalize its king forever in what can only be described as… gross. And then in the Pop Corner aka Music Room, in celebration of Dan’s many achievements, Mariah reads to him the lyrics of Dysphoria Hoodie…

Blessed Wednesday to all of God's monsters... but especially you, dear listener. We have an inspirational story in store for you this week. All about the conquest of the city of Ai, and also a quick detour to discuss the stoning of Achan. Doesn't that sound lovely? In the pop corner, Mariah and Dan gush about grammy winners and parasocial-besties o…

And it came to pass that a new episode was released! Behold! We're back again this week with the second mass circumcision event of the Old Testament. Just before invading Jericho, Joshua realizes he and his army must NOT forget to get rid of that cumbersome foreskin. Plus - special guest appearance by A Man. Then, in the Pop Corner, we discuss the …

This week instead of your regularly scheduled sermon, we have a Very Special Episode featuring the Disclaimer Voice himself… that’s right kids, we’ve got Henry Rogland in the pulpit this week!! Henry joins us to discuss his experience growing up in Calvinism, the concept of T.U.L.I.P., and the Classic Christian School education. Basically it’s a ge…

This week we dive into The Book of Joshua, involving Rahab's deal with the Israel spies sent to Jericho. More importantly, however, we provide our in depth analysis of the VeggieTales episode entitled Josh and The Big Wall: A Lesson in Obedience. Don't miss it. Special thanks to Henry Rogland for our intro, and to Bird Creek for our theme song, "Ho…

BEHOLD, the miracle of resurrection!!! We are BACK, and unholier than ever! In this episode we discuss our rounding out of our Holy Trinary by bringing on our new producer, Everett Kemper! And rather than a bible story this week, we touch on Mariah's upbringing in Scientology, and Dan's pre-college education at a Creationist school. Don't forget to…

This week on Bible Stories for Blasphemers, it's... "Previously, in The Bible" in this Dragon Ball Z-esque pseudo-recap episode in which Dan recounts the Book of Deuteronomy. So grab your salt, get in your Impala, queue up "Carry On My Wayward Son", and join us. Also: Remember to send us your Scientology questions & strange religious encounters! Sp…

This week on Bible Stories for Blasphemers: we're done with the book of Numbers! Couldn't get through it without a few war crimes there at the end. Then in the Pop Corner, we go on a long and spoiler-full review of Knock at the Cabin, which (spoilers) we have some REAL bones to pick about. Special thanks to Henry Rogland for our intro, and to Bird …

This week on Bible Stories for Blasphemers: GETTING THROUGH THE NUMBERS. There's a lot of names and laws in here folks, but don't worry, we have opinions to add to them, and Mariah has just found out that God eats food. Then in the Pop Corner, we discuss the DEEPLY important new Hozier EP, Eat Your Young. Special thanks to Henry Rogland for our int…

This week it's a special episode for everyone in the flock! We talk to the infamous Robin, our hot Catholic friend! We cover her religious upbringing in Catholicism, and cover her journey to realizing why she didn't believe it anymore. We also dive into Mariah's many, many, many questions, including but not limited to: "What can and can't you give …

Welcome to Wednesday Youth Group! Will Dan manage to tell the story in a reasonable amount of time while navigating Mariah's tangents, jokes, and questions?? Who's going to prison??? And, most importantly: what rooms will be added on to the Podcast House????? Find out in this week's episode of Bible Stories for Blasphemers! Part of a complete break…

This week on Bible Stories for Blasphemers, Balaam makes a bunch of prophecies, and we go off on a bunch of weird tangents. Then in the Pop Corner, we discuss two deeply uncomfortable religious Superbowl commercials. Special thanks to Henry Rogland for our intro, and to Bird Creek for our theme song, "Hooky With Sloane." Special thanks to Henry Rog…

We got a big juicy one for y'all this week, kiddos! Strap into your high chair, put on your bib, and get ready to dig in to the delicious nonsense that is Number of Numbers, Two of Twos. For dessert we have a Pop Corner in which we explore and expand on our podcast house using our feelings. Don't miss it. Special thanks to Henry Rogland for our int…

This week on Bible Stories for Blasphemers, we talk about two stories: one where Moses hits a rock, and one where Moses deals with some snakes. Then in the Pop Corner, we discuss the most meta TV show that we've ever seen. Special thanks to Henry Rogland for our intro, and to Bird Creek for our theme song, "Hooky With Sloane." Special thanks to Hen…

Gather round dear flock, as youth pastor Dan spills all the tea of the one Bible story They don't want you to know about, and Mariah's hopes of becoming a Christian convert are dashed. Talking points include Jared from twitter, the Golden Globes, and Jerrod Carmichael's latest joke. Find us on Instagram @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible quest…

This week on Bible Stories for Blasphemers, we return shamefully from many time-based errors with a chronologically-inaccurate episode. Then in the Pop Corner - wait, it's the Science Section this week? Okay, a lot has changed. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.c…

Heeey, remember us?? Your favorite bible camp counselors are back! Check out this special episode where Dan shares their research on how humans across the world have celebrated the new year over time. We'll be back with new episodes every week in January 2023! Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at b…

This week on Bible Stories for Blasphemers, Dan talks about something in the Bible to do with numbers - a concept Mariah thought Dan would have learned a long time ago. Then in the Pop Corner, a HUGE BREAKING NEWS UPDATE and then Mariah discusses a rogue-like life sim video game she's been playing called Cult of the Lamb. Find us on Twitter @BS4Bla…

This week, Dan tells the entirety of the Book of Leviticus. We learn about how if you try to do something nice for God but he doesn't like it, you'll probably get smited to shit. Also, Mariah teaches Dan about the origin of the human species. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblas…

In this week's slightly depressing episode, we finally learn the epic conclusion of Exodus. Dan tells Mariah more details about the Arc of the Covenant, God tries to abandon the Israelites but instead tells them to kill everyone, and Moses becomes shiny. If you can, please donate to the legal fund to hold the SPU board accountable: https://gofund.m…

This week, Dan explains to Mariah the absolutely chaos and frivolity had by the nation of Israel while Moses was on Mount Sinai. Did the Hebrews betray God to start a new bovine religion? Did Aaron indirectly cause the deaths of thousands of his own people because of peer pressure? Who are we to judge? And honestly, God, what did you expect? Find u…

This week, Dan is very tired. We talk about God's commandments for how to live, and about a very spooky and intimidating angel. Then, in the pop corner, we discuss Christian schools and, in particular, the sit-in protest at Seattle Pacific University. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestori…

Sorry this one's late, folks! This week we tell the story of the ten commandments, and get extremely sidetracked due to our mutual lack of a science education. Then, in the pop corner, we discuss the new comedy special "Rothaniel." Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gma…

This week, on a tight time crunch, we tell the story of bread falling from heaven and Moses having a very tiring day for his arms. Then, in the pop corner, we talk about Bible jokes and the new Florence & the Machine album. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com. …

Egypt escape! This week we tell the story of Moses parting the Red Sea. Then, in the pop corner, we discuss why there are so many fundamentalist Christians falling for conspiracy theories. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com. You can also find Dan on Twitter @D…

In this episode, we talk about the Passover story, and also deeply appreciate girls. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com. You can also find Dan on Twitter @DanRogland or on Patreon at patreon.com/danrogland. Special thanks for @HenryRogland for our intro, and t…

We continue the story of Moses and cover the first several plagues sent to Egypt, while navigating through several unrelated tangents. Then, in the pop corner, we talk about "sword drills," devotionals, and introduce Mariah to the concept of a study Bible. This episode includes shout-outs to Dan's D&D podcast, Dial M for Magic, and to one of Mariah…

Dan continues the story of Moses and how he tried to get the pharaoh to Let His People Go. Also, Mariah becomes a Christian and invents a new branch of Christianity??? Finally, in the pop corner we discuss the tv show Severance, and why it is that the Bible is so dang useful against vampires and ghosts. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email …

We continue the story of Moses, who has an encounter with a burning bush and is chosen by God, who almost immediately turns around and tries to murder him. Then, in the Pop Corner, Mariah asks Dan to elaborate on the different types of Christian education, and we go off on a tangent about cults and the difficulty of leaving them. Find us on Twitter…

We begin the book of Exodus with the early life of Moses, a murdering Egyptian who's pretty bad at hiding the body. Then, in the Pop Corner, Dan talks about their recent trip to Hawaii and the incredibly bad decisions made by early Christian missionaries there. Topics include: theoretical time travel; copious references to The Prince of Egypt; the …

Dan regales Mariah with the Bible's season one finale - the end of the book of Genesis! Then, in the Pop Corner, Dan enlightens Mariah with two examples of totally cool Christian Girl Bands that promoted purity culture and thought boys wanted to date girls that reminded them of their moms. Weird. Topics include: If 25 is a round number, is 1 a roun…

In this week's slightly bananas episode, Dan tells Mariah about the history of the Pagan holiday known as Oestara and how it informed modern traditions for Easter. Topics include: which of the Von Trapp children best fits your personality; terrifying Victorian greeting cards; and hot cross buns. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your …

This week, Joseph orchestrates the most dramatic family reunion ever; then, in the Pop Corner, we talk about The Righteous Gemstones and evangelical megachurches. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can also find Dan on Twitter @DanRogland or on Patreon at…

This week, we talk about Joseph in Egypt, his wild dream interpretation, and how he constantly ended up in charge of everything. Then, we finally come up with a name for our post-break segment. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can also find Dan on Twitt…

This week, we start the first part of the story of Joseph, the teen dreamer and big old tattletale. Then, we talk about Christian and post-Christian music! Today's episode features the song "Chicken" by Semler. Stream their music or find tour dates at www.semlermusic.com. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corr…

This week, we tell the stories of Dinah and Tamar, two women whose male relatives were absolutely the worst. Then, we talk about why there are so many Johns. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can also find Dan on Twitter @DanRogland or on Patreon at patr…

This week, we talk about Jacob having a literal wrestling match with God while bribing his brother into not killing him. Then, we answer the question: does the Bible actually say you shouldn't get gay married? Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can also f…

This week we talk about Jacob's feud with Laban and his weird folk magic for how to make speckled sheep; then, we briefly talk about hell (as it relates to Phoebe Bridgers). Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions and corrections at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can also find Dan on Twitter @DanRogland or on…

This week we tell the story of how Jacob met Rachel and ended up with four wives, twelve sons, and a daughter. Then we talk about "Euphoria" and how internet access is actually really important for teens. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! Special thanks for @HenryRogland fo…

This week we tell the story of Jacob's deception and Jacob's ladder, then talk about why the Bible has verses. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can buy Dan's poetry book at tinyurl.com/weshallhavelife, or follow more of Dan's writing on Twitter @DanRogland Special than…

This week we begin the story of the Bible's first twins, Jacob and Esau, and discuss Biblical apocalypse theories, including Y2K and the book series (and Nic Cage film) Left Behind. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can buy Dan's poetry book at tinyurl.com/weshallhaveli…

Dan tells the story of how Isaac got his wife, and boy, we sure hope you know about the fictional butler Jeeves for this one. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can buy Dan's poetry book at tinyurl.com/weshallhavelife, or follow more of Dan's writing on Twitter @DanRogla…

Happy holidays! We're celebrating with a special episode diving into pre-Christian mythology, winter solstice traditions, and the pagan origins of Christmas (which is, in fact, not related to Christ at all). Special thanks to Henry Rogland for our intro, and to Bird Creek for our theme song, "Hooky With Sloane." Edited and Mixed by Everett Kemper (…

In this switch-up episode, Mariah tells Dan the third and final part of the story of Abraham. The energy in the studio is unhinged. Find us on Twitter @BS4Blasphemers, or email us your Bible questions at biblestoriesforblasphemers@gmail.com! You can buy Dan's poetry book at tinyurl.com/weshallhavelife, or follow more of Dan's writing on Twitter @Da…