Lee H Baucom public
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Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks?Yep.In fact, gratitude is even …
 
Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many pe…
 
People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it). Then they ask, "why should I have to forgive?" Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver.I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week's podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I s…
 
You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.And so, I often have the question asked, "Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?"Can a separation save a marriage?Short answer: yes, it can.Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, b…
 
Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection…
 
People are quirky. We all have strange and interesting habits and interests. No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person."Yet all of us crave one thing: validation and approval. We did it in high school ("I am SO different, along with everyone else") and …
 
It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).Negativity comes from several sources: fear…
 
Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance??Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3....No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-S…
 
You've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown.But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all!What happened? Why can't your spou…
 
It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage.I say IF you have limited beliefs.Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that.Espec…
 
I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation.That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to.Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship.And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to.The bad news is, these…
 
I admit it. The phone call got under my skin. We were traveling and I answered the call. The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy." I told him I was. He told me he didn't want my System. Just the secret, the "short-cut."When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that. He just needed the "tric…
 
I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage. I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job. But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress. Did my spouse Friend Zone me??"Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program an…
 
I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year. Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better.In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldi…
 
I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?Some people do make the effor…
 
First, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you!But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is w…
 
No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature.We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch.This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Par…
 
"You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems." Have you heard that before?A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish.It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both peop…
 
It's a predicament, isn't it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.)You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too!What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced …
 
I've seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once.A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart.You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn't. I've seen it over and ov…
 
Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage?Yes.These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage.I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoi…
 
Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marria…
 
Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection.Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection,…
 
Slowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working!Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it!But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To kee…
 
Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away resp…
 
I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits.Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the bl…
 
Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?" One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.That fear can keep …
 
As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE). The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question.In this episode, I answer Patrick. His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and…
 
Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”?I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted the…
 
The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the m…
 
Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, t…
 
For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility.Why?There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers.Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and …
 
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…
 
“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage.Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble.Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a gr…
 
Feelings. We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel.Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings.In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.Unfortunate…
 
Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.” In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week.What happened?…
 
You've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You're proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn't buying.For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes!Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has al…
 
We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected …
 
You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.And it knocks you down.Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.But are y…
 
What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?That is the question pos…
 
In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode.But then, there…
 
You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.Somewhere better.It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.Many times, people thin…
 
You might feel like "tapping out," or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.…
 
We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen.So what will we make happen?I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two…
 
Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new…
 
Basic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds.And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships.Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we a…
 
Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.And things continue in the downward spiral.So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you…
 
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.When a couple is connected, they remember connectio…
 
You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy.No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe …
 
Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right?Right??Nope. Just another marriage lie.Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simpl…
 
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