Best Tammy Lenski Podcasts (2024)

1
3 problem-solving pitfalls that can derail conflict resolution 8:37

10d ago8:37

8:37

Good problem-solving process is like a reliable GPS, helping us navigate a difficult conversation coherently. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

1
Venting anger: Why it doesn’t help and what to do instead 10:09

2M ago10:09

10:09

Venting anger doesn’t help you calm down and increases aggression. So why is the venting myth still embraced? And what’s better? Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

1
Discovering and managing conflict hooks, part 2 9:20

3M ago9:20

9:20

Here's an exercise to help you identify your conflict hooks and increase emotional agility during difficult interactions. Find episode transcript here. Find part 1 here. How knowing your conflict hooks helps reduce conflict in your life. More about my book here and the free worksheet here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.…

1
Discovering and managing your conflict hooks, part 1 8:55

4M ago8:55

8:55

One of the best ways to increase emotional agility in conflict is to recognize and manage your conflict hooks. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

1
Unburied empathy 5:59

5M ago5:59

5:59

What we do immediately after we express empathy helps or hinders the connection and alignment we’re trying to build. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter here.

1
Use these 5 phrases to air your grievances and get heard 6:41

5M ago6:41

6:41

How to skip the drama and the rumination and raise a concern so they’ll actually listen. Find Tammy's episode transcript and links here and the printable cheat sheet here.Subscribe to my monthly Subtack newsletter here.

1
Disagree better by asking great questions 7:51

6M ago7:51

7:51

It’s tempting to tell people what they should do. It feels efficient, and it makes us feel helpful and wise. When we replace telling with asking, we can do something more powerful and, ultimately, more satisfying: Help people illuminate what’s important and generate effective solutions to problems. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe …

1
25 ways to disagree better from 25 years of writing about conflict resolution 10:56

7M ago10:56

10:56

My newsletter, Disagree Better, turns 25 this month. I’m marking the milestone with 25 ways to disagree better from a wide array of thinkers. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

1
Identify a problem’s primary drivers with a relationship diagram 6:01

8M ago6:01

6:01

One reason agreements and solutions fail is that they don’t sufficiently identify and address the root causes of the problem. Another is that they address behavioral elements of the conflict without also addressing systemic elements that drive the behavior. The Relationship Diagram is an excellent tool for overcoming both of these problem-solving h…

1
Getting through the day with a bit of grace 4:05

9M ago4:05

4:05

Should our conflict partners have to earn or deserve our good graces for us to show them generosity of spirit when they’re acting badly? Here’s a way to disagree better even when we think we’re handling the encounter well and they’re not. Episode transcript Seeing the equal human in front of us Susan Cain's website To automatically receive transcri…

1
Stop rehearsing your stuck story 4:57

10M ago4:57

4:57

Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. It’s not the story of the conflict; it’s your story of the conflict. It’s not helpful to keep repeating your Stuck Story, either to yourself or to others. Here’s why and how to stop the unintended rehe…

1
How to deal with stonewalling in a relationship at work or home 10:15

11M ago10:15

10:15

Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior. Episode transcript When they're not ready to talk How to navigate the "not my probl…

1
Don't bury anger's lede (replay) 3:29

12M ago3:29

3:29

I'm on summer break and will be back with a new episode next month. In the meantime, enjoy this replay from the archives. Episode transcript To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

1
The illusion of understanding 7:09

1y ago7:09

7:09

When someone is steadfastly committed to their position in an argument, the best we can do sometimes is create just a tiny bit of wiggle room in their thinking, enough to soften their position and give the conversation somewhere to go. Here’s one way to do it. Episode transcript The Knowledge Illusion by Steven Sloman and Philip Fernbach To automat…

1
Get into their movie 4:12

1y ago4:12

4:12

It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when we’re in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspective is important. Here’s a trick of the mind that makes perspective-taking easier. Episode transcript The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Shafir The negative effects of trying to stand in their shoes More on pr…

1
A question to help ease suffering during conflict 4:02

1y ago4:02

4:02

Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it. Episode transcript An article about Epstein's and Black's work Small caring actions to ease suffering Every conflict cont…

1
Walk it out to work it out 6:22

1+ y ago6:22

6:22

Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here’s the science to explain why. Episode transcript 2014 Stanford University research 2022 Max Planck Institute resea…

1
A powerful way to change conflict habits 6:01

1+ y ago6:01

6:01

My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can b…

1
Generate more creative solutions with this question 3:36

1+ y ago3:36

3:36

When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions. Episode transcript The 2018 research Source of the restaurant story To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe …

1
Don’t avoid small fights 6:32

1+ y ago6:32

6:32

Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others’ conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations. Episode transcript The problem with totalizing The sample list of things …

1
Ask this simple question to help regulate emotions 5:43

1+ y ago5:43

5:43

When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question. Episode transcript The 2007 research The 2018 research The 2021 research Using writing to boost performance in pressure-filled si…

1
Sometimes it’s not a conversation that changes their mind 4:46

1+ y ago4:46

4:46

When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice. Episode transcript The conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie Santos…

1
How to confront someone without seeming confrontational 7:12

1+ y ago7:12

7:12

Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumen…

1
Three essential components of highly effective listening 6:59

2y ago6:59

6:59

Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it’s learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening. Episode transcript The journal article Every conflict contains …

1
An upside to recurring conflict: Relational stress wood 6:14

2y ago6:14

6:14

Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships. Episode transcript About Biosphere 2 About trees and stress wood How conflict avoidance can cause bigger conf…

1
The triviality trap 5:00

2y ago5:00

5:00

When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight and pay attention. You're missing something, and it could be important. Episode transcript Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe her…

1
The foreseeable now 1:11

2y ago1:11

1:11

This episode is a little different than my usual episodes -- I'm sharing Lu Hanessian's interview of me for The Foreseeable Now podcast. I hope you'll use the link below to listen to our wide-ranging conversation about good conflict resolution. Find the interview here To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, su…

1
Be a better listener with this one crucial habit 6:05

2y ago6:05

6:05

You’ll be a better listener when you disagree with someone if you can first master better listening in your everyday conversations. Here’s a good place to start: Trade shift responses for support responses. Episode transcript Celeste Headlee Charles Derber Stealing someone's story Holding the space Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transc…

1
A mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out 5:31

2y ago5:31

5:31

When frustration or anger hijacks us, we may say or do things we regret. Here’s an uncomplicated mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out — and for managing other troublesome impulses too. Episode transcript Why it's hard to reason someone back into reasonableness Why it's good to interrupt rumination Buy Tammy a coffee To receive tr…

1
What happens after conflict resolution? 8:22

2y ago8:22

8:22

Once we’ve sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again? Episode transcript Pema Chödrön's Getting Unstuck More about the power of perceived understanding in relationships Kintsugi and the art of mending relationship conflict When conflict is real but not true Tammy's book, The…

1
Ghost rules 6:18

2+ y ago6:18

6:18

We all have our own preferred conversational rules of engagement. When things are going well, it’s easy to overlook someone violating what we consider to be conversational norms. But when conflict enters the picture, our Ghost Rules can contribute to tension and escalation. Episode transcript Two ghost rules my husband and I had when we met The con…

1
Making the impossible possible 6:15

2+ y ago6:15

6:15

When solving a problem seems well and truly hopeless, a certain kind of question can clear roadblocks and boost creative problem-solving. These ultimate questions deserve a permanent place in our conflict resolution and problem-solving toolkits. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes aut…

1
Anger resets 9:05

2+ y ago9:05

9:05

When we’re on the verge of being swamped by anger, having a pre-chosen anger reset can save the day. Here are a few anger resets I suggest to clients I’m coaching or in anticipation of mediation, including ones I use myself. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe…

1
7 tried-and-true ways to safeguard the space between 7:02

2+ y ago7:02

7:02

The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn’t what damages personal or professional relationships. It’s how well we make use of practices that buffer our vital relationships from the detrimental effects of conflict. In other words, it’s how well we safeguard “the space between” through the way we disagree. Find the transcript with links here Bu…

1
Disagreeing in front of others? Take it offline 5:50

2+ y ago5:50

5:50

When a disagreement in front of others gets difficult, there’s a simple remedy for avoiding two common pitfalls such conversations bring with them. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/.

1
To reduce defensiveness, build up the social bond 4:53

2+ y ago4:53

4:53

Deflecting blame, denying responsibility, and minimizing negative impact are defensive behaviors that make problem-solving conversations frustrating. To reduce defensiveness and increase their willingness to take responsibility, use this research-supported approach when you confront. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of ne…

1
Conflict resolution is like driving at night in the fog 5:17

3y ago5:17

5:17

Better conflict resolution habits don’t start with learning a new approach and then trying it in your next difficult conversation. Just as you wouldn’t start running and try a marathon the following week, better conflict resolution habits begin with a slow, steady build. Here are some ways to start strong and build from there. Find the transcript w…

1
Three threads at the heart of every argument 5:35

3y ago5:35

5:35

When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has three threads at its core. It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about; those three threads are there. When we attend to those three threads, we set the stage for a much better conversation. Find the transc…

1
The non-comeback comeback after an insult 3:55

3y ago3:55

3:55

Sometimes the best comeback after an insult -- the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them -- is no comeback at all, as the following Zen koan so beautifully illustrates. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/.…

1
New name for the podcast 2:39

3y ago2:39

2:39

The Space Between is now called Disagree Better

1
An alternative to perspective-taking when you want to reduce animosity 5:58

3y ago5:58

5:58

When we want to reduce animosity and increase empathy toward a group or individual, we may try perspective-taking, the act of trying to stand in their shoes and view the situation from their perspective. But what if there’s something even more powerful for the job? Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automati…

1
What is the real issue? 6:15

3+ y ago6:15

6:15

A subscriber emailed me with the question, “How do I know when I’ve figured out the real problem or issue?” It’s a question worth unpacking and I have an alternative question to propose. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/.…

1
A conflict resolution mini-manifesto 5:25

3+ y ago5:25

5:25

Five ways to stop "less-than"-ing during conflict and conflict resolution. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/.By Tammy Lenski

1
Is a distancing spiral quietly damaging your important relationship? 5:11

3+ y ago5:11

5:11

Conflict spirals are patterns of friction or tension that worsen over time. Distancing spirals are a particularly insidious form of conflict spiral because they cause relationship damage while we think we’re doing nothing wrong at all. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylensk…

1
Introducing QueryCards 2:23

3+ y ago2:23

2:23

Self-coaching questions for conflict resolution. Find the QueryCards here. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/.By Tammy Lenski

1
When opinions contrast sharply, practice scales 4:09

3+ y ago4:09

4:09

Practicing scales is an elegantly simple way to get a read on where someone stands along a continuum. It’s useful for illuminating the nuances in disagreements that sound polarized. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/.…

1
Three alternatives to rumination after an argument 6:07

4y ago6:07

6:07

Ruminating — dwelling on troubled thoughts and feelings — impairs good decision-making and can make us more aggressive. It’s a seductive habit and I really want everyone to develop alternatives that serve us better. Maybe one of these three alternatives to rumination will be a good replacement habit for you. Find the transcript with links here. To …

1
How to be truly helpful when someone is upset 9:19

4y ago9:19

9:19

When someone is upset, one familiar response is to ignore it and forge ahead. Another is to try to make them feel better with kind reassurance. Both of these approaches are a version of “make it go away.” There’s a third, more fruitful approach: Turn toward it. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automaticall…

1
On the importance of knowing what really matters 4:59

4y ago4:59

4:59

They say that if we see a pothole on the road in front of us and we focus on it, we will inadvertently steer right toward it. To avoid the pothole, the trick is to broaden our view and focus on where we actually want to go. This kind of deliberate focusing of our attention on the kind of future we want is essential in conflict resolution too, as th…

1
Behind every criticism is a wish 10:47

4y ago10:47

10:47

It’s possible to turn criticism into a positive conversation, whether you’re the recipient of someone’s criticism or you’ve gotten feedback about being too critical. The key is to find the hidden message the criticism is trying to convey. Here’s how to do that. Find the transcript with links here. To receive transcripts of new episodes automaticall…

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