Mount Pheasant II - Episode 02/05 - "Man Country"

Amplevoicepod

"Shameless Hagan, driving the milk-van down to the park, in the dark. Why does he get up each day, do the same old shit? Nobody knows... Shameless Hagan..."

Mount Pheasant returns! Oh yes! In this second offering; the unemployable Richard Pheasant is still sick. But just how sick? And how unemployable? Join us now as we descend into some 'Man Country...'

Dick: Ooh, that Tuborg gives ya an awful wind. What you lookin’ at Tom? Yeah, I see you starin’. Shakin’ that shovel, shakin’ that shovel… Heard the news I suppose yeah?

Tom: No, Dick, eh (cough) I’m not, I’m sorry, sorry, I don’t understand that sort of thing-

Dick: Hah? You takin’ the piss? Ah of course, you’ve never been unemployed. Always cleanin’ up for the council. Well I hope you’re happy Tom Kendall, Dick Pheasant is on his knees, a doley once again!

Tom: No, no, no… I- I wish you nothing but the best of luck, and I-I mean that.

Dick: Ah go on with yourself.

Tom: Look, the anger’ll pass… I know. I read Rock Hudson’s book, he said-

Dick: G’luck Tom, don’t know what yer sayin’ as usual.(Walking)

Dick: This fuckin’ place. Spiteful, secrets! Mount Eidel with its crispy, clean Chemical Factory… With their big salaries and their Hyundais. I tell ya, this town just pulls at the rage in ya. Ah, fuck it, just get some cans, head up home, have a couple of drags on me emaciated penis…

Lisa: Oh! I-

Dick: Ah howaya Lisa, lookin’ well!

Lisa: Howaya Dick, are, are ya alright? You look fierce pale. Is, is that what happens?

Dick: Nah, nah, just a little dose of the- hah?

Lisa: Ah don’t say it love. Listen, if you need anyone to talk to, or if you would like someone to read your favourite book to ya, I’m here.

Dick: Eh, thanks Lisa, but, what, me favourite book?

Lisa: That one you showed me that time. ‘Morris’ was it? By some ‘Forster’ lad.

Dick: I’ve no idea what you’re on about Lisa.

Lisa: Aw no hun, it takes the memory away too does it?

Dick: Hah?

Lisa: Ponkin said just because it’s not the 80s... Ah stop, I wasn’t even born in the 80s, what do I know? But I do know that I’m with you every step of the way, we all are, we’re all behind you Dick Pheasant. Here, here’s a six pack of Tuborg, on the house.

Dick: Bidda F- eh thanks Lisa! I never knew you liked the metal as well-

Lisa: I’d flash ya a tit an’ all but I guess it wouldn’t work on you now.

Dick: Ah stop it Lisa, I’m only sick.

Lisa: Breaks my heart. It really does. Oh look, there’s Linda in her Pajero.

Dick: Oh no. She’ll be all over m- eh, howaya Linda! How’s-

(Footsteps pass quickly)

Lisa: Fuck. Did you see the look she gave ya?

Dick: Like I was dead! Didn’t even say-

Lisa: Here, you go home with these, I’ll see to that bitch in the shop. Kiss ya hun.

(Scooter zooms in)

Cottle: Dick! Dick! Have ya a moment?

Dick: Eh, Jaysus Cottle, thought you were Ponkin with the scooter there. Did you borrow it? Don’t let him forget it was you.

Cottle: No, it’s Eidel Radio’s, so we can get the word on air even quicker. Do you have a minute?

Dick: I’ve many minutes now sure. A man of long days of leisure.

Cottle: Dick, I need a human interest story, somethin’ from the heart yunno, that the listeners will identify with, someone who can show the real side of things…

Dick: Have ya tried Tom Kendall there? He’s a shovel up close to his heart, as he leans on the cunt half the time!

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