NRR 26 - The Great Squirrel Riot

Benny's Grab Bag

Squirrels, that's the word on everybody's mind and I for one refuse to be afraid to say it. This is Vox and you're listening to Not Really Radio.

If you're just rolling into town I recommend you immediately hit the brakes and proceed with caution. Just a few hours ago our beloved city experienced what can only be described as a riot of squirrels. If it were not for one man and his inhuman abilities, things likely would have turned out very differently.

Just to bring everyone up to speed, Tecumseh has been the site of an above average amount of cryptid activity. Most notably lately being the Deer Whisperer and her gang of deer enthusiasts with their apparent goal of deposing humans as the authority in our town and then there’s the mysterious nightly wail that has everyone sleep deprived and on edge.

Just hours ago the deer compound located in the woods near the golf course was conducting military exercises under the watchful eye of the FBCI. My sources report that the deer had apparently been joined by every single squirrel in the city. The tiny arboreal mammals have begun to drill with their much larger compatriot and traitorous human sympathizers have been equipping every buck with a decent rack with slingshots and gatling guns, essentially creating deer tanks with squirrel gunners.

Feel like that escalated fast? Me too

Wait there’s more.

A sound that can only be described as the source of every bad thing ever shattered the quiet air and startled three new deer recruits, freshly armed with shotguns and squirrel partners. The panicked animals all squeezed their triggers simultaneously. The resulting thunder sent the rest of deer squirrel hybrids into a frenzied stampede straight through the middle of town. It was horrible, deer were running, squirrels were gunning, traffic was honking and all appeared to be lost.

It was a dark day for Tecumseh.

Then, from out of nowhere Chester Chase came swinging on a vine through the center of town and caught, with his bare hands, every single bullet before it could hit its mark. He then hurled the erstwhile threats in the direction of Johnson’s Sporting Goods located near the intersection of Valley and M-52. Witnesses in the area say the slugs are still falling from the sky and landing in a neat pile behind the building. Then, in a further demonstration of pure awesomeness the cryptid bounty hunter dismantled every weapon within less than 30 seconds and took off in hot pursuit of the deer whisperer who was running away in terror. Which I for one find completely understandable because I’m a fan of Chester Chase but if he was chasing me I’d look scared too.

Although the immediate mortal threat was handled, there’s still a whole mess of confused and panicked deer and squirrels making safe traversal of our fair town a dicey proposition at best.

My recommendation? Stay inside Tecumseh, and if you absolutely must leave, wear shoes you don’t love and drive slowly.

Here’s hoping we won’t need to worry about any deer-related shenanigans for our live Not Really Radio Event on Saturday April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church

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