Self Love What They Forget to Tell You - episode 8

Caron Talks

Today we are talking about the importance of boundaries in relationships The definition of boundaries means anything that marks a border. It’s a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something or the limit of a subject, principle or relationship. Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes and setting the distances one allows others to approach. Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and, really, a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Healthy boundaries are necessary components for self-care. Without boundaries, we feel depleted, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or intruded upon. Whether it’s in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries may lead to resentment, hurt, anger, and burnout.

Boundaries help us take care of ourselves by giving us permission to say NO to things, to not take everything on. Boundaries draw a clear line around what is ok for us and what is not. While some behaviours clearly cross the line for almost anyone, we all have different comfort levels when it comes to everything from intimacy and privacy to lateness. When someone behaves in a way that doesn’t feel ok to us – that crosses our line, we need to take care of ourselves by letting them know and making that line much clearer.

UNHEALTHY Boundaries are characterized by:

Sharing too much too soon, or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants. Feeling responsible for others' happiness.

• Weak sense of your own identity
• You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you
• You allow others to make decisions for you: consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for you own life.

HEALTHY Boundaries allow an individual to:

• Have high self-esteem and self respect
• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
• Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion
• Be assertive
• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others

Setting boundaries isn’t always comfortable and people may push back if you say NO to some things or try communicating your needs more clearly. People may try to test your limits, to see how serious you are about drawing the line. Or they may be used to you responding in a certain way (agreeing to take on everything), and they may push back when you try to make some changes. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. It may just mean that you need to be clear and consistent until people adjust to the new way of interacting.

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.”

– Gerard Manley Hopkins