Ask Justin: Refrains and Rejection Issues

Culture Sex Relationships

I dated someone who was about to become a spiritual leader / teacher a decade ago and completely left the religion. I can’t help but think their first love was God. He never been in a relationship and had said ‘I don’t know how to love one person let alone more right now’ when speaking of polyamory. He has a lot of shame and had a alot of sex outside intimacy. But with me, He was present, made so much effort when I fitted around his schedule. I started saying I miss him and expressed I liked him because I wasn’t clear where this was going. after three months he ended the relationship - infuriating as his excuse was ‘I’m just not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling at three months’ (Rich for someone who dismisses And avoids talking of feelings) . I know I have rejection issues and I know where they come from. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential. I have so much empathy for this person . It’s not a question, so this isn’t an answer. Perhaps I can give you a mapping of what appears to be going on, what unappears to be going on, and a line of flight which might help you in your becoming …. “Never been in a relationship” “I don’t know how to love one person” It seems from the get go that this was someone who was communicating that they either couldn’t give you a kind of relationship you wanted, or would find it very difficult. How do we do relationships with people who don’t know how to do them? “With you he was present, made so much effort when you fitted around his schedule.” What were you pleased to notice about yourself in those days? Write them down? “I miss him and expressed I liked him because it wasn’t clear where this was going” What if we say we like someone without it where being unclear about something is going is actually really good? Territorialisation - deterritorialisation - reterritorialisation. Little islands. Rhizomes that couldn’t map onto each other. A non-relation rather than an emergence. “Rejection issues and I know where they come from.” I’m not sure I know what rejection issues are. An acute sense of pain from rejection, or a more chronic pain of rejection. Is it a fear of rejection or some kind of welcoming of them? Are the rejection issues ‘the thing about you’ or do they do something? How do you know? Let’s frame this as a best hope: what difference would it make if you didn’t have rejection issues? What would you have or be or become instead? Knowings: first love was god. A lot of shame. Dismisses and avoids talk of feelings. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential Or with that comes the possibilities of hope and recognising potential? What if the rejection issues gave you a certain power to act that, if you could act on it in a particular way, could be really helpful for you? I have so much empathy for this person What does that do? What if your empathy was another superpower which could be turned on the whole of the external world around you? What if that included you? A more than human perspective Refrains - how you might deterritorialise them. Changing tunes, rhythms, words. Best hopes not deficits. Abundance not scarcity. Possibilities not lack.