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Episode 377: Unlocking Extraordinary Love: Creating A Thriving Relationship with Dr. Stan Tatkin
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In this episode, I interview Dr. Stan Tatkin, a therapist and developer of the Psycho-Biological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT). We discuss various topics related to relationships, including the different phases of a relationship, advice for single individuals looking for a partner, maintaining curiosity and learning in a long-term relationship, creating a shared purpose and vision, and understanding attachment styles. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of commitment, communication, and understanding in building a loving and lasting relationship. He also highlights the need for individuals to understand their own needs and the needs of their partner.
What We Discuss:
Finding the Perfect Relationship [00:03:20] Dr. Stan Patterson advises making a list of what the perfect relationship would be, focusing on safety, security, and shared values.
Vetting Potential Partners [00:05:45] Dr. Patterson recommends being specific about relationship expectations and observing potential partners for signs of alignment with those expectations.
Neurobiology of Dating [00:09:17] Dr. Patterson explains how nature uses emotions to drive the procreation and continuation of the species, leading to the initial stages of dating being neurobiologically drugged.
The Excitement of New Love [00:10:31] Explains the initial phase of a relationship where the brain produces chemicals that make us feel excited and focused.
Automating the Other Person [00:12:03] Describes how as the relationship progresses, we start to automate the other person and make assumptions, leading to potential boredom and loss of attention.
Recognizing Familiarity and Disliking [00:14:32] Discusses the phase where we start to recognize familiar traits in the other person, both positive and negative, and how it affects the relationship.
Why are we and what's our purpose? [00:22:30] Discussion on the importance of understanding the purpose and goals of the relationship beyond just emotions.
Creating a shared vision and dealing with deal breakers [00:23:49] Exploration of the need to align on values, culture, and deal breakers to ensure a successful relationship.
Understanding attachment styles [00:30:17] Explanation of how attachment styles developed in childhood can impact how individuals react to stress and interact in relationships.
Island and its family culture [00:34:03] * The speaker discusses how the island's family culture prioritizes performance and appearances over relationships, leading to a fear of dependency and a need for independence.
Threatening behavior of an island [00:35:11] * The speaker explains how islands protect themselves by distancing and avoiding spending time with their partner, leading to feelings of anxiety and insecurity.
Understanding different attachment styles [00:36:14] * The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding one's own attachment style and that of their partner to avoid causing harm and to create a secure and lasting relationship.
Episode Resources:
Dr. Stan Tatkin Instagram @ drstantatkin (Website)
Dr. Stan Tatkin Website (thepactinstitute.com)
Dr. Stan Tatkin's Best Selling Books (Website)
400 episodes
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