Blood Pundit (with Christopher Wood)

Human Haircut

A story of an intern that made it big...full text below Blood Pundit text by Steven Markow music by Christopher "Woody" Wood One time I had an internship as a production assistant at a news station. One night, during a live broadcast of a conservative talk show, the host had a stroke and died. In a panic, one of the AD’s pushed me out in front of the camera, I think because on my resume I said I had taken an improv class. Everyone looked mortified. The AD kept mouthing, “Say anything, do anything!” I got so nervous that I bit my tongue. I bit it so hard, I mean, I really chomped on it. Blood started pooling in my mouth, then pouring down my chin. Everyone looked even more mortified. But then the phone rang. It was the executive producer. He said that the ratings were going up. The AD looked pleasantly surprised. He made a motion with his finger like, “Keep going.” So I bit harder and mooshed by teeth around, carving up my tongue into little bits, causing blood to stream all over my face. Everyone gave me a thumbs up. Apparently, the ratings were higher than ever. They decided to give me my own show and it was a huge success. I also made the rounds on all the major political shows, gurgling blood while a representative of liberals yelled, “No way.” They pumped blood into me between interviews. I never asked where they got the blood, but they told me. They’d point to all these old men, pale and bloodless, feebly giving me the thumbs up. “We’re big fans,” one said before dying. It felt pretty good.