No Apology Needed: why vulnerably sharing doesn't require require an apology or change

Marriage Lab

As we began to practice vulnerably sharing our hearts with each other, we found that we often ran into trouble when the listener would get defensive. So we started asking ourselves, what is it about the way I'm sharing my feelings that puts them on the defense?
We found defensiveness shows up strongest for these reasons:

1. Sometimes our "feelings" (read: emotions), are really disguised opinions, judgments or blame. For example, "I feel disrespected" is first of all, not an emotion at all, but a passive way of saying, "You disrespected me." Disrespecting someone is not as much as action as it is an intention of the heart. Of course someone would get defensive hearing that.
2. Even when we managed to perfectly Connection Code our way through the vulnerable share and use one of the 8 core emotions, we as the listener had to train ourselves with the new belief that, "I can connect with their 'sad' and it doesn't mean I'm bad." Basically that my spouse can be hurt by me or be in emotional pain because of me and it doesn't actually mean that I've done something wrong. Necessarily paired with this is the belief that we began training ourselves to take on as the speaker, which is, "I can be sad and it doesn't mean they are bad." My pain does not equal the guilt of another.
3. Finally, the heart of this episode. Because I'm feeling pain (read: sad, hurt, anger, fear, lonely, guilt or shame) that was triggered by my spouse, I'm going to share it with them, as I've learned holding it in breeds disconnection. However, I am not going to share this with them with the expectation/requirement that they apologize for causing me pain, nor am I going to expect/require they change their behavior.

This is where it's easy to lose people. "What do you mean they don't need to apologize?" I'm not actually suggesting there isn't something to apologize for. What I'm suggesting is that our attempts at vulnerability turn into subtle attempts at control when we follow our emotions with the expectation or requirement that the listener admit their guilt by saying, "I was wrong, forgive me." Furthermore, to require that someone change their behavior in order for me to be okay (read: not sad anymore, not alone anymore, not fearful anymore), is classically called co-dependence.
The good news is that hearing our spouse show up in true vulnerability inspires us to action. True vulnerability is the expression of our emotions that invites another to simply be with us in it. It's the act of getting known, not making demands. That place is one where we invite others to show up as the best version of themselves. It's from that place that the heart of our spouse gets to become their most authentic, creative, curious, compassionate and intentional selves. Quite the opposite when they are on the defensive.
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