Dangerous Pants

No Crying In Baseball

Zack Wheeler proves what we’ve been saying all along. Pants are dangerous. Not as dangerous as ticking off Dodger fans, who trolled the visiting Asterisks by land, air, and art. The legendary Vin Scully is auctioning off his extensive collection of memorabilia in order to make a meaningful charitable donation, and leave the kids and grandkids a little something. This year’s Roberto Clemente Day saw Puerto Rican players, and the whole Pirates team, wearing number 21, and a call for that number to be retired league-wide.

There was a blip in the consecutive days since a player tested positive for COVID-19 run, causing two Giants-Padres games to be postponed, but now the Giants say maybe a false positive? The Playoff Bubble locations have been decided, San Diego -- Los Angeles for the American League and Houson -- Arlington for the National League. Globe Life Field wins the World Series because it is shiny, new, and centrally located for maximum TV ratings. Some details around the edges regarding inclusion of family members are still subject to MLBPA approval.

Pottymouth’s Red Soxs boyfriend Bobby “Bomb” Dalbec can’t stop hitting homers. Patti’s Twins BF Willians Astudillo is finally back from the COVID IL and then the alternate site and hit his first. Trea Turner’s mom is our new mom boyfriend (can we have those?) with fact-checking Twitter regarding Trea’s accomplishments, being the one person Trea thinks actually cares if he wins the batting title, and for using “chocolate brownies” as a code word. Isan Diaz opts back in with the Marlins. Luis Arráez, Matt Chapman, patron saint Sean Doolittle, and maybe JT Realmuto are all out with injuries, some of which are season-ending since we’ve only got two more weeks. Francisco Lindor was fined for smiling at Sergio Romo, who was suspended and fined for not liking it.

In the CPBL, it is still too close to call in the standings, and possibly a dead-heat in the mascot game as well. Dimple Cannon Jr. is as cute as can be in his MVP dance with his dad. Cuban baseball begins under the watchful eye of the Public Health Ministry, with careful protocols, no fans in the stands, and a YouTube channel. Roberto Alomar’s RA12 joins Puerto Rico’s Roberto Clemente League, and immediately becomes Patti’s team to pit against Pottymouth’s Gigantes de Carolina. Manny Ramirez joins the Sydney Blue Sox and we need the shirt.

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