14. Are You a Convertible or Sedan? Free Spirit Perceivers and Scheduled Judgers: How We Live Our Lives

Not So Normal Parenting | Enneagram Types, Myers Briggs, Personality, Neurodivergence, Discipline

Since this entire podcast is based on the Myers-Briggs system as well as the Enneagram, I highly recommend you listen to episode 2 and 3 at some point. For a quick review the Ox is a stable rule follower… think Ox living in a stable, the Lion is brave and craves freedom, the Eagle is independent, curious and proud, and the Human is emotional and relational. Lions and Eagles are challengers and difficult to parent! You will also hear me referring to “Types 1-9” and this comes from Episode 3 which is an introduction to an amazing system for growing human potential called the Enneagram.

Today’s episode applies to every human being on the planet! The perceiving and judging functions J and P in the Myers-Briggs system, determine how we live our lives. The P types are driving a convertible through life with the wind in their hair an no particular destination in mind. The J types are driving a sedan on a highway with a GPS. They are more serious, intentional, and structured. But what happens when you mix the two up and put them all under one roof? Opposites attract so there is a chance you could be a J married to a P. I will give a quick test in this episode so you can get an idea which one you are. We live in a J society but the Ps in our life make things fun. I was doing a seminar and one of the Lion dads was cracking a joke, and I made the mistake of saying your Pness is showing. I will never live that one down and will never do that again! Stay tuned to the end for five amazing tips for working with your P child.

Perceiving and Judging, P or J, Free Spirit or Rule Follower

Judgers live their lives by following the rules, checking things off the box, making lists, and sticking to time frames. Perceivers live their lives much more spontaneously, forging their own path and leaving their options open. The P or Perceiving and J or Judging preferences are most likely impacting your household in the biggest way since these preferences determine how we live our life on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis. Perceivers crave freedom and a top-down, wind-in-your-hair, convertible way of living life. Judgers crave structure and a more top-up, neatly coiffed, sedan existence. A true Perceiver is driving a convertible, without a GPS, on an off-the-beaten path, curvy road. A true Judger is in a sedan with a GPS on a straight, well-traveled highway. Many people bristle at the term Judger because people automatically associate it with being judgmental. However, Judging functions help us make decisions and limit our possibilities. Everyone has two Judging functions and two Perceiving functions that make up their personality. If there were no Judging functions, we would all be sitting around like useless blobs, unable to decide when to eat, sleep, or do anything else.

Since all children tend to be somewhat free-spirited, these preferences can be harder to detect when they are younger. Perceivers hate being inhibited with too many boundaries, so it is possible that you will notice an extreme reaction when you stand in the way of their freedom. They prefer the unconventional way of doing things and tend to have difficulty finishing what they started. They also frequently struggle to be on time, follow directions, or stick to a plan. Judging children like to learn the “right way” to do something and are willing to follow conventional parenting styles. They like finishing what they start and knowing what to expect. It might sound like a Judging child is every parent’s dream. For the most part, they are a bit easier to understand, but I get plenty of calls about Judging types that are too controlling.

I worked with an amazing adoptive mom of four kids. I want to give a shout out to all my adoptive parents because you are some of the most amazing parents on the planet! Please share this podcast if you are friends with an adoptive parent. Sometimes these parents don’t get to know these children as babies. It is the same way with the step parents I work with. This mom told me she had a voice inside her head that was always wondering if her kids were happy in their new home. One of her daughters, in particular, seemed quiet and reserved. No matter what this mom did to connect with this daughter, it didn’t seem to register. She thought this daughter may have had some kind of attachment issue. Once we worked together, she realized that they were brain opposites. This mother’s natural way of parenting was to be energetic, positive, full of surprises and spontaneity. She is an ENFP, extroverted feeling Human, a type seven, on the Enneagram. Her daughter was a reserved, structured and serious ISTJ introverted sensing thinking Ox type. We laughed as I suggested the mom do something completely counterintuitive. She should offer to do a puzzle with her daughter. This mom had never done a puzzle in her life! The daughter absolutely loved it! She loved just hanging out side-by-side with no pressure to talk, while doing a quiet activity.

This mom, April Fallon, who is now host of the ADOPTION NOW podcast shared this quote with me. “Roadmap is what I say to people when I tell them about you. You gave us the map for our family and how we all function together. From the moment we met with you our whole lives changed. Learning who is an introvert and extrovert and helping my husband understand my son has transformed their relationship. His understanding of me changed too and now he is nicer to me too! The realization that one of my daughters is exactly the same as him was an eye-opener. I learned how to love them better and help them feel understood. I call them the koala bears. They love to achieve but only because they want the people they love close to them. They are the snuggly people. Three of us are team creative, however one of us is introverted and needs time away in her room. We designed her room to have a happy place that she has learned to adore. And finally, my Type 9 peacemaker, reserved daughter (the one I do puzzles with) notices everything and takes it in. Recently we found out she has auditory processing disorder and that was because we could pull apart what was personality versus what was a real issue. Once we found out, we could support her in the way she needs. She loves one on one time, verbal praise, and outdoor activities like hiking. I never ever ever wonder how or if she loves us or is happy anymore. I know her love runs deep and giving her a space to show it in her own way has been so healing.”

If you would like to get the road map for understanding your family and having more peace in your home, go to WendyGossett.com and sign up for my Understanding Your Family 101 Session. You can also purchase my book on Amazon. Your Childs Inner Drive Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens.

I worked with a mom, who is the only J or structured one in a family of P freedom seekers. She has often felt like she was paddling upstream, forcing her will upon everyone. She would schedule practice hours for her boys to do sports and keep close tabs on them. All her expectations weren’t adding up. Everyone in her family needed freedom, which was the opposite of her parenting style. I had to ask her what was more important; the correction or the connection. I’ve had to ask this question to many parents when they are fighting battles over a clean room or how to load the dishwasher. Ask yourself what is more important; correction or connection? Over and over again, I have seen a huge change occur when the parents shift their focus to connection rather than correction. Her boys are both lion P types that had to learn from life and find their own way. It was difficult for her, an extroverted, thinking Ox, type one on the Enneagram, but she realized she had to let them fail.

And failure is not as scary as you may think. Some people learn from failing. Whenever a baby is learning to walk, they have to fall over and over again. Pushing themselves up off the floor helps them get stronger. The most successful business people actually try to fail. They make a goal to fail five times in a month because failing means they are trying new things which leads to confidence and success. And it just so happens that P types who explore and try possibilities without thinking of the consequences are some of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world. I’m getting these statistics from Myers Briggs. Sometimes Lion P types don’t enjoy school. What comes naturally to them is being free to use their body in physical, practical pursuits. They like to learn from the school of hard knocks. Some J types use perfectionism as an excuse to not try. Often I have seen perfectionism as a mask for fear. so if you are a structured J parent pulling your hair out because your P child is not falling into line, chances are if you make connection your priority, they may not fall in line but they will land on their feet.

The T Thinking or Prickly and F Feeling or pleasing preferences I talk about in episode 6, play a significant role in how our child Judges or Perceives. If your child is a Thinker and a Judger or TJ, they will be very determined, rigid, and unyielding, which can make them very difficult to parent! If your child is a Feeler and a Perceiver or FP, pleasing you will be ALMOST as important to them as having the freedom to do things their way. They may still have meltdowns that seem to materialize out of nowhere, but for the most part, they are relaxed, go-with-the-flow children. If your child is a Thinker and a Perceiver or TP, get ready for a topsy-turvy time! One minute, they might be playful and relaxed, and the next minute, determined and unyielding. If your child is a Feeler and a Judger or FJ, sit back, make yourself a cup of tea, and relax. This child wants to please, desires structure, and thrives with conventional parenting. Parents with Feeling/Judging children as their firstborn often end up with a false sense of pride in their parenting ability. They can unintentionally make other parents feel inferior, causing them to question their parenting capabilities. Sadly, I was one of those parents. I painted my entire kitchen while my twelve-month-old son was perfectly content simply being in the same room with me, playing in his bouncy chair.

My husband, Greg, and I were completely humbled when our Thinking/Perceiving daughter was born. We soon realized why bookstores are filled with so many parenting books! She was, and still is, an uncontained free spirit who plays by her own rules. If you are a Judging parent with a Perceiving child, take heart. Since we live in a Judging society that runs by rules, time frames, and deadlines, Perceivers tend to look more like Judgers as they mature and are “nurtured” by parents, teachers, and societal norms. In fact, this is one of the most common testing mistypes. Mature Perceivers who have learned to play efficiently by societal rules think they are Judgers.

I was collaborating with a talented young programmer who had taken my test. Prior to our first meeting, I received his test result, which identified him as one of the most cautious and conservative J types. The minute I met him, I noticed he had an entire sleeve of brightly colored tattoos. Later, he informed me that the tattoos were the entire story of Dante’s Inferno, and he was going to have the other arm done in black and white. I was pretty sure he had mis-tested himself. I don’t want to fall into stereotyping, but I have seen thousands of patterns that usually fall into predictable outcomes. I am sure there are rare exceptions of extreme conservative J types with two complete tattoo sleeves, but there aren’t many! Not only that, but a person’s occupation also gives a great indication of their type. This programmer was very out of the box and creative, which are all traits of another type that has all the same letters, except for that oh-so-critical, free-spirited P. An ISTP and an ISTJ are very different, indeed!

Email me at [e-mail] to receive a an illustrated chart that shows these patterns. You will also find the quick test to determine who is J or P in your family.

You will either be a P for Perceiving or a J for Judging. Keep in mind that 50ish% of the world are Perceivers and 50ish% are Judgers, although as adults, many Perceivers mis-test as Judgers since they have learned how to fit in with a Judging society. [1]

Perceiver

Judger

freedom

structure

spontaneous

planned

flexible procedures

solid procedures

change

routine

out of the box

within the lines

experience it

control it

relaxed

hurried

start it

finish it

P

J

If you found it hard to pick one and felt tied on both you are most likely an introvert. I use the analogy of Js being sedans and Ps being convertibles, but introverts are hybrids, meaning they are a little bit of both. If they are a J type, it means they are driving a sedan or in other words they like structure in the way they live their life, but their brain is Open and less decisive, just perceiving the world and taking it in. It’s like they are driving a sedan on a road with no map. If you are an introverted P type. It’s like you are driving a convertible but your brain is on a highway with a GPS. This type is concerned about their identity and can be stubborn when they set their mind to something. I worked with two introverted sensing Ox parents. They were about as structured and by the book as you could get. They had an introverted feeling Lion son, since he was a feeler Lion, he was very relational, compliant and easy-going throughout elementary school and junior high. When he got to high school, however he went off the rails. He had been following his parents rules his entire life, and because he was so relaxed it worked for him, but when he got to high school and could see his adult life looming before him, he realized he had to discover who he was. He had to discover what he stood for. His relaxed, convertible way of living, switched over to his decisive identity seeking brain. He went on a vision quest up in the mountains to become a ski instructor rather than going straight to college like his parents had always planned. Again, these parents had to decide what was more important. Their connection with their son or their expectations.

Here is an opposite story. An extroverted sensing thinking Lion child hated school. He just wanted to have fun and do sports. By the way, sports are the guard rails that will keep your Lions on track with their grades. They love sports and they love being competitive so this can be the motivation to help them get through school. By the time he was a senior, he still had no direction and had no idea what he wanted to do. His parents had a friend who worked as a sports medicine doctor. They let their son shadow him. Lions learn from watching and doing much more than learning from a textbook or hearing a lecture. His tactile extroverted sensory intelligence combined with his analytical introverted, thinking brain realized he could do exactly what this sports medicine doctor was doing. All of a sudden, he was the most determined Lion you ever saw. He went to school and studied from six in the morning to eight at night and became a surgeon making up for all his playing throughout school. If you have a story to share from your family, I would love to feature it on the podcast! Just email me at WendyGossett.com.

Here are some tips for parenting, the P types in your household.

1.Your child is not wired for structured schedules. If they are doing well in school, be grateful because what comes naturally to them is to do their own thing in their own time. Luckily, they are competitive, which might motivate them to work hard in school. When they are home, they want to settle into their comfort zone and have more freedom to play and explore. Whenever you can make things fun or a game. Try making a morning routine playlist with a song for each task on the list. Rehearse the routine to make sure each song is the right length. If they can finish each task by the time the song ends and get down to breakfast, they can get a special treat they picked out. Music also works to make chores more fun. Research has shown that music makes anyone more cooperative. Have a tidy up the house dance party. Quick, in the moment rewards work best for P children. Speaking of fun, board games are more of a J thing. You can make game time more fun by adding an action element or a silly element. Games like Throw Throw Burrito where you get to run around our favorites of P children.

2.As a J Parent who likes plans, plan a time each day to be unplanned. A J parent with a P child needs to plan to be unplanned. All kids need structure, but P children need freedom just as much.

3.Don’t lecture! Have clear rules and consequences for serious crimes. The consequence speak for themselves. Ps need freedom so let them negotiate when it is a misdemeanor and not a crime. There’s more to this, but that is the quick version.

4.Ps believe there is more than just one way to do things. if you are a perfectionist, you may need to have Elsa‘s anthem playing on repeat in your head. “Let it go”. Tell them the end goal you would like and let them pick the order or timeframe it’s completed in.

5.. P Children often have ADHD. My daughter and son were both diagnosed. My daughter is a P and my son is a hybrid introverted J with that P brain…haha he just completed the MCAT but he has a P brain which is on a country road with no map. You can listen to episodes 11 and 12 where I interview both of them to hear more about this. All P types want the quick fix to life’s problems because they want to get on with the fun. She wanted us to put her on ADHD medication. We hesitated with this decision for many months, but finally we came up with the idea to put her on a placebo and see if her performance would improve if she thought she was on the medication. We didn’t let the teacher know but positive progress reports started coming home. Because my daughter is a sensor and very aware of her body as well as details and her environment she soon figured out the pill was a fake. She begged us to put her on the real medication. Once she was on it, she absolutely hated it because she felt like she was in a box. She couldn’t be her normal, silly self and have the freedom in her spirit that she craved as a Lion. Life taught her that hard work was better than a pill.

If you have P children in your home, I would also suggest you listen to episode seven and eight which are interviews with extroverted P types. All extroverted P types are driving a convertible through life and they are on a country road with no map! They are 100% perceiver!

Lion perceivers are different from Eagle and human perceivers. One is sensory and the other is intuitive and it makes a big difference in the behavior. Check out episode 13 on sensing and intuition.

My closing thought for today is from Abraham Lincoln. “In the end it’s not the years in your life that count it’s the life in your years. P types are playful and help us to enjoy life.”

But for my J types out there which I am one and by the way, I am a sedan on a highway with the GPS so I am 100% a J! But because I am intuitive I am a little more P like. I also have a quote keeping the J types in mind. Here is a quote from Pele one of the worlds, most famous soccer players. Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying sacrifice, and most of all love of what you do.

Email me at [e-mail] for the other chart I mentioned in the episode.

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