Boosting the Spark in Your Marriage

On Purpose Parents

Parents, are you in need of some tips on how to help your marriage win in the midst of the busy life of parenting?

Even the best couples sometimes get stuck in the necessary routines of parenting. Here are some of the experts' tips on boosting the spark in a marriage... even your busy relationship!

Tip #1: Adjust the bar!

• The reality is, marriages change when you have kids, and some of your expectations probably should, too!
• EXAMPLE: I have a few friends who have chosen not to have children and the primary reason was they evaluated what their life would look like…. how things would change.. and decided they didn’t want to make those adjustments.
• Remember…. different doesn’t have to be worse…different can be better!

Tip #2: Do Small Things Often over Grand Gestures

• Sometimes we quit before we begin because we think marriage has to look like before kids in order for there to be spark (more flexible, bigger)
• But it’s the little things done consistently - Gottman’s small actions practiced daily. ““Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
• Make small emotional deposits every day

Tip #3: Practice the Art of Contentment.

• Refuse to compare…comparing always ruins contentment.
• Don’t compare what your marriage used to be like…. what your spouse used to be like!
• Don’t compare how you are navigating having kids with how you think others are.

Tip #4: Repel Resentment by Being a Gardner for Gratitude

• A big temptation with parents is scorekeeping. Who is doing more? feel unappreciated, unsupported. This leads to resentment and criticism, which is poison ivy.
• A big way to fight against this is to garden for gratitude. don’t just wait for gratitude to come “naturally” - you have to seek it out and cultivate it, look for it. What we focus on is what grows. Gottman’s “catch your partner doing something right”

Tip #5: Refuse to Make Your Entire World Revolve Around Your Children

• Force yourself to be selfish once in a while early on…. or else it will be tough later.
• Remember…you are a parent, not a “Karent”…. your kids can’t dictate everything.

Tip #6: Prioritize Date nights - and Don’t Feel Bad About It!
Find ways to have date nights or “times” it can be simple, maybe just once a month that’s designated as purposeful date. it WILL take effort - but it's important.
But the bigger point here is don’t feel guilty about it! It’s actually a tremendously healthy thing to model for your kids - investing in marriage and relationships, that world doesn’t just revolve around them. And strong marriages = strong families.