Episode 2- Zip Ties and Sleepwalkers

The Lumpy Mother

Sarah and Natalie talk about about coping strategies you can use to help you stay calm while your toddler has meltdown after meltdown, survival skills, what happens when your kids sleepwalk, and more in this episode!

Resources mentioned this week include:

-Survival strategies by @dutchintheusa

-Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, found on instagram @dr.tracyd and on the podcast “I am not your shrink” You can also learn more about Dr. Tracy Dalgleish by visiting her website: https://drtracyd.com

-TikTok account @celinaspookyboo

-Tiger Lady retractable self-defense claws: tigerlady.com

You can follow Lumpy Mother on Facebook and Instagram @lumpymotherpodcast and Twitter @lumpymotherpod1

We want to hear from you! Email us at [e-mail] with your yes’, no’s, and hello’s, or anything else you might want to share!

Detailed Show Synopsis:

Welcome to the Lumpy Mother! The podcast where we talk about the joys and terrors of motherhood. Natalie and Sarah are two best friends and Moms who love learning and laughing together. Sarah has two kids, an 8 month old son and a 2 1/2 year old daughter and Natalie has 4 kids, an 8 year old daughter and 3 sons who are 7,6, and 18 months.

And because they need to remind themselves of this sometimes, Natalie and Sarah are people too! And as a person, Natalie likes to read books, especially ones that aren't about counting elephants or wishing a dump truck good night. She is also passionate about collecting crafting supplies she will probably never use.

And Sarah, as a person, enjoys sleeping 8 hours without interruption and values quiet, peaceful mornings sipping hot coffee while reading a book. Oh, and loud, repetitive noises are a personal pet peeve of hers.

If you want consolation in the fact that you're not the only parent who is so mentally exhausted you accidentally called a lawn mower a yard vacuum, then you've come to the right space!

The way this works is each week, Natalie and Sarah have a yes, a no, and a hello for the week. In other words they will share something good, bad, and something random that happened to them during their week in parenting. They have a feeling you will be able to relate to their experiences! And if you can't relate, they still want to hear from you. Email them at [e-mail] and tell them what you think about the topics they cover!

Natalie and Sarah start of this episode by sharing how they got to know each other and become such good friends. It all started on the 2000s in Northwest Indiana where the two attended the same high school. They had a few mutual friends but did not connect until years later when they randomly ended up working at the same nonprofit together. It was such a special moment. In fact, Sarah still remembers the exact shirt Natalie wore that day.

The hosts then go on to update us on the topics they covered in the last episode. Natalie called her mom to gain some reassurance that she didn't always have a hot meal on the table like Natalie remembers. Natalie reflects on why she hates cooking so much and she realized that it is all of the planning and organizing that goes into it. She hates having to plan out what her and her family are going to eat every night.

Sarah's rewind takes us back to her discussion of mindfulness in last week's episode. Sarah looked into mindfulness a bit and shares the definition she found online. She learned about mindfulness and emotional regulation from Taylor Study method, a behavior health company (https://blog.taylorstudymethod.com/mindfulness-and-emotional-regulation/). According to the Taylor Study method's blog, "Mindfulness can help regulate emotions was suggested by Dr. Ron Siegel’s in his video “The Science of Mindfulness” below. Dr. Siegel, who is Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School, explains that often our approach to emotional discomfort is to do things that make us feel happier, and thus to decrease the intensity of discomfort and pain. Mindfulness works the other way round, by increasing our ability to bear with discomfort, both on the physical and emotional level." The article continues, "When our capacity to bear with emotional discomfort is enlarged, we are less likely to react to our emotions or to let them control us." You can learn more about mindfulness and emotional regulation by reading the full article here: https://blog.taylorstudymethod.com/mindfulness-and-emotional-regulation/

Sarah then Segues into her yes to discuss the many coping strategies (in addition to mindfulness) that she applies to help herself cope with her toddler's tantrums. It used to drive Sarah wild when she would see information out there that suggested parents need to stay calm while their toddler has meltdown after meltdown. Sarah found this advice frustrating and unrealistic. But she's been working on finding that calm by applying coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of toddler tantrums and has discovered that perhaps she can cope with them after all!

One coping strategy Sarah applies is to put her feet up on a wall while lying on her back on the floor, creating an "L" shape with her body. She learned this is a yoga pose. Sarah does this while her daughter screams and screams and screams. According to the website https://www.bristolcityyoga.co.uk/blog/legs-up-the-wall-reduce-anxiety "It supports the flow of blood back to the heart (the ‘venous return’) which sends a message to the body and the nervous system to move into its rest, digest & de-stress mode." This coping strategy helps Sarah separate herself from her daughter's emotions and helps her feel better and more capable of coping with the tantrums. Read the full article here: https://www.bristolcityyoga.co.uk/blog/legs-up-the-wall-reduce-anxiety

Another coping strategy Sarah uses is to take a cold shower! Advice she has heard throughout her life but thought of more as an old wive's tale like the one's that suggest you put a dead chicken over your head to cure whatever ailment. It's miserable, but the after effects of the cold shower feel pretty stupendous. If Sarah's having a rough day she will ferociously stare at a spot on her shower wall that looks like a tiger and sing twinkle, twinkle little star angrily while she suffers through the downpour of freezing cold water. Sarah learned about the benefits of a cold shower from a podcast called "I am not your shrink," with psychologist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish. You can find Dr. Tracy Dalgleish on instagram @dr.tracyd. You can also listen to her podcast here: https://drtracyd.com/podcast/ or wherever you get your podcasts. Sarah loves Dr. Tracy and likes to imagine she's an owl because she's so wise.

So yes, a cold shower is miserable, yes it is most definitely hard to find the motivation to do, but afterwards you're ready to take on the day. You feel pumped up! It's also easier to do when you're having a really bad day because you just fuel your rage into the coldness and it doesn't feel so bad.

Natalie admits that her really unhealthy coping mechanism Is snacking. If she's really stressed out she uses that as an excuse to eat all the delicious, unhealthy treats.

Sarah goes on to explain that since she is recovering from postpartum depression she will cling onto any coping strategy that will keep her above falling into that heavy darkness again that is depression. When you're deep in the trenches of depression you're willing to try anything to feel just a little bit better. These coping mechanisms are things Sarah can hold onto that helps her feel like she has control over something that I often feel so out of control with.

Another thing that helps Sarah feel in control is researching everything and feeling like she knows as much as she can about the challenges she faces. This worked to her disadvantage after her daughter was born and had colic. There is nothing you can do for colic but get through it. Sarah wants anyone out there who has a baby with colic that she could just cry thinking about you and is sending you all the love she can.

Back to the cold shower. There's some scientific evidence that supports the benefits of cold showers. Researchers from the University of Osaka (see: https://www.lifehack.org/375978/cold-shower-powerful-way-to-improve-your-mental-health)found that "cold water bathing has a beneficial affect in reducing the cortisol hormone. Some studies show that it can improve our resilience to stress. Also, people who have the habit of swimming in cold water and taking cold showers reported improved mood, less stress, more energy and pain relief from rheumatism." One more interesting tidbit is that cold showers "activate beta-endorphin and Nora-adrenaline in the brain...Nora-adrenaline is used in anti-depressant medication" (visit https://www.lifehack.org/375978/cold-shower-powerful-way-to-improve-your-mental-health for full article).

Another coping mechanism Sarah uses is breath work. Sarah will lay on the floor and breathe in and then make sure to let her breath go all the way out. Supposedly when you breathe out for longer than you breathe in it activates your parasympathetic nervous system which has something to do with staying out of that survival flight, fight, freeze mode. Basically, you don't want your rational mind to go offline.

Natalie is proud of Sarah for even being in the state of mind to remember these coping mechanism in the moments where it feels like everything is crashing down all around you.

And that's the hardest part. When your toddler is having a massive meltdown, it's incredibly difficult not to let yourself go to that place where you're triggered and angry because that's what your body naturally wants to do. To be able to stop yourself and apply these coping strategies is the hardest part. You can know these things, but that doesn't mean you will always put them into action.

Natalie's yes this week is an awesome yes. Her yes is about her mom. Natalie works part-time and is fortunate that she can do most of her work from home. But every so often it's good for her to get into the office because she is much more productive there than in the playroom at home, surrounded by her kids. So every so often my mom helps watch the kids so I can go to work. I knew this was going to be a really rough week, so I called and asked if after she babysit she could stay through dinner to help Natalie through the witching hour...that Time that is so hard to control. My Mom is my yes this week because she rolls with the punches 100 percent.

When she walks into Natalie's house, it is chaos from the get-go. First of all, Natalie has a 9 month old Great Dane puppy who is 90-95 pounds and will grow to be about 160-180 pounds! So Natalie's Mom walks in the door and the Great Dane is all energy. Her kids, who haven't seen Grandma a ton because of the pandemic, it was almost like they were quivering with excitement, like little chihuahuas in the corner. They were just shaking with crazy eyes because they couldn't contain their excitement that Grandma was coming for a whole day.

Then she walks into the house and half of our Christmas decorations are still up and the other half are just in boxes throughout every room. It's a mess. In my living room I had seven laundry baskets of clean laundry that I had been washing. My house is chaos.

My Mom doesn't even bat an eye. She's here for it. She's ready. Natalie goes to work and her Mom does ALL of her kids' virtual learning with them. Because she's Grandma she gives each of the kids one on one time. So the kids got a ton of attention that they don't always get and they were fulfilled in that way. By the time Natalie got home, her mom entertained her kids happily while Natalie cooks. She stayed through dinner then helps Natalie put the kids in their pajamas, reads them bedtime stories, gets ALL of her kids in bed. Natalie feels like she was following her Mom around like a fifth kid. She took charge. Natalie's Mom is a superstar Mom! After the kids were all in bed, Natalie and her Mom just sat on the couch in the living room and just hung out together. It was awesome because Natalie and her family have been really careful due to covid. They lost Natalie's Father-in-law to Covid this past year. So Natalie has not had a lot of time with her Mom who she's really close with and usually sees pretty often. Also, her Mom could tell that she needed an adult to hang out with. Every parent can understand what I mean when I say that. It's a type of nourishment. It was incredible and totally got me through this week.

It's weird when this happens because there's some guilt there that she went so above and beyond. But then I remind myself that I would be so happy to do that for my kids some day. It was a yes in every way for me. She took care of my kids and kind of took care of me too. When someone comes and takes charge, it's not only a physical break but a mental break as well.

I hope that even if you don't have this kind of relationship with your mom that you have someone out there who can be in your life with no guilt and no judgment.

Sarah's no this week is power struggles. Sarah gets wrapped up in winning when she gets into power struggles with her toddler over putting her hair up.