Turning Forty as a Recovering Sex and Love Addict

Forty Drinks

Turning Forty as a Recovering Sex and Love Addict

Brianne Davis is a working actress in Hollywood, one of those people you’ve seen in everything - including shows like Six, Casual, Prom Night, Jarhead, and most recently Lucifer. Two years ago she ‘came out’ as a sex and love addict in an article for Huffington Post, after 10 years in recovery. She wrote a bestselling novel called “Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict,” which is fiction, but it's based on her experience in Hollywood and with a disease that carries stigma and shame, especially for women. She also hosts a podcast called Secret Life on which people share their secrets.

Guest Bio

From bringing compelling characters to life on screen as an actor, calling the shots behind the scenes as a director and producer, lending her thoughts and opinions to the podcast airwaves, and even penning her debut literary work, Brianne Davis has emerged in the entertainment industry as a powerhouse female creative.

Brianne’s first break in the business came with a small speaking role in the film “Remember the Titans” opposite Denzel Washington, Hayden Panettiere, Ryan Gosling and Kate Bosworth. From there, Brianne went on to booking a role on the hit television show, “Dawson’s Creek” (CW) and once graduating from high school, she made the decision to move to Los Angeles to pursue her acting career. Brianne’s first lead role in film came in 2005 with the blockbuster hit “Jarhead” where she starred opposite Jake Gyllenhaal. She also starred in the horror film “Prom Night,” alongside Brittany Snow, Kellan Lutz and Idris Elba.

Additional TV credits include: Netflix/FOX’s “Lucifer,” Hulu’s “Casual,” FOX’s “Rosewood,” HBO’s “True Blood,” and CBS’ “The Mentalist.”

Thriving behind the camera, as much as in front, under her production company Give & Take Productions Brianne has produced three films, while also directing “The Night Visitor 2: Heather’s Story,” and “Deadly Signal.”

With over a decade of recovery as a sex and love addict, Brianne is the host of the popular mental health podcast “Secret Life.” The podcast launched in August 2020 and features inspiring true confessions from an eclectic group of guests, unpacking a plethora of taboo topics. Brianne’s latest venture in the “Secret Life” brand is her debut novel, “Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict” which released on February 12, 2021, and instantly hit the best-sellers list on Amazon.

On the charity front, Brianne’s undeniable passion is supporting our troops. She can often be found traveling the world on various USO tours and so far, has visited 15 bases. While on tour, she has stayed in such places as Iraq and Afghanistan. Stateside, Brianne champions on behalf of veteran programs, especially in getting the necessary post-traumatic stress relief that many soldiers desperately need.

Brianne currently resides in the Los Angeles area with her husband Mark Gantt and son, Davis.

Meet Brianne

Brianne Davis is a working actress in Hollywood, one of those people you’ve seen in everything - including shows like Six, Casual, Prom Night, Jarhead, and most recently Lucifer. Two years ago she ‘came out’ as a sex and love addict in an article for Huffington Post, after 10 years in recovery. She wrote a bestselling novel called Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict [affiliate link], which is fiction, but it's based on her experience in Hollywood and with a disease that carries stigma and shame, especially for women.

She wanted to shed light on how deadly this particular addiction is and how how a society amplifies and glamorizes sex and love addiction. She also started a podcast called Secret Life, which allows other people to share their secrets.

She initially ‘outed’ herself in an article she wrote for Huffington Post two years ago. She says publishing that article “evaporated” the stigma and shame she felt. She now works to educate people on this disease that over 38 million people in the United States suffer from, 38% of whom are women.

Brianne traces her addiction back to an experience in eighth grade where she got her first “hit” - her first high. She got her boyfriend’s friend to kiss her in a closet and says it was like a heroin shot. She felt like she had power and control over another person. This was in contrast to feeling powerless most of the time. She says she’s been chasing that “butterfly,” since then.

Dark Night of the Soul

Brianne had her “dark night of the soul” moment in her late 20s. She was living with her boyfriend of four years. The rush of falling in love had dissipated and it was just everyday life. She found herself across the country shooting a movie and started “intriguing” with someone she didn’t even like as a person. That’s the moment that turned the light bulb on for her. When she compared this person to her boyfriend, he fell short in every category.

She wondered if she’d still be doing this when she was 80. She wondered if she’d always be looking for a person to complete her, to fix her, to save her, to give her a high. She finally realized there wasn’t something wrong with all the men in her life; it was her.

She reached out to a therapist, who said two outrageous things to her. First, she said “you have a secret and I don’t know what it is, but you wear the mask of a high-class prostitute.” And second, she told Brianne she was a sex and love addict.

Until that point, Brianne’s only exposure to that was when celebrities used it as an excuse if they had been caught cheating. But she went through a 40-question diagnostic questionnaire. They say if you answer ‘yes’ to more than five of the questions, you’re probably a sex and love addict. You have to read her book to get her actual number, but Brianne says it was ‘high.’

She went to her first Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting that very night. Of the 30 people in the room, every race, ethnicity, financial background, sexual orientation was represented. And everyone who spoke said something that Brianne felt, did or almost did. She felt like she was home. She was grateful to realize she wasn’t broken, that nothing was wrong with her - she just didn’t have the tools she needed to have healthy relationships. That was the day she surrendered.

Being “Out” and Visible

After 10 years in recovery, she felt like an ‘old timer.’ This addiction is something that most people hide, so there’s not much evidence or modeling of recovery. Brianne started seeing younger and younger people coming to meetings talking about how they couldn't connect, couldn’t find intimacy. They used social media for attention and validation but they felt empty.

Brianne was called to do something. She felt guided to be bigger in her service. Despite the stigma of the addiction, she knew she had to do something.

Her husband kept encouraging her to take a writing course. He knew she had a story to tell. She resisted. She made excuses: she’s got ADHD; she doesn’t want to write; she’s shooting a show. But he wore her down and she took the course and the first draft of her book poured out of her in 45 days.

She felt like a higher power was working through her. She felt motivated to do more than speak at rehab facilities. And then her business shut down in March 2020, which took away her creative outlet of disappearing into a character. So she said ‘eff it; this is my truth.

She had been doing intensive therapy for eight years. She got to the point where she could say, I’ve done bad things, but I’m not a bad person. I used to be selfish and self-seeking, but I’m not anymore. If she hadn’t done all that work, she knows she’d still be chasing outside validation, instead of being in a place of self-acceptance, which has led to forgiveness of herself and of others.

Sex and Love Addiction in Our Culture

On the very day of our interview, Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, came out as a sex and love addict. While it’s a beautiful and iconic story, Brianne says it’s a story filled with fantasy - blowing up your marriage, going to a younger guy; Then seeing it didn't fix you; traveling the world; overeating in Italy; going to Bali and finding the next guy. Readers came away with the understanding that you had to travel and get out there and meet your person. Brianne acknowledges it’s a beautiful story, but it’s fantasy. She says it's “dripping in” love addiction, and using sexuality to find your next person

She points to Anthony Bourdain as an example of someone who died of love addiction.

She says we probably all know people who should be in the program. Sex and love addiction is depicted in television shows, movies, and love songs. It's about unrequited love: getting that ex back, that unavailable person, looking for someone to complete you.

Sex and Love Addiction Defined

According to Brianne, a sex addict is anybody that uses their sexuality to manipulate and control, and uses it as a currency. A love addict goes after unavailable people and gets in toxic relationships. They look for someone to complete them. They go into fantasy and are obsessed with romance. The two can be connected, too.

When someone with this addiction gets hurt, they may turn to ‘sexual anorexia,’ and shut down their sexuality and their availability for relationships. Some people stop dating for years.

Underneath the cycle is a fear of intimacy, fear of being loved, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment.

Sex and Love Addiction is Not Like Drugs or Alcohol

With chemical addiction, like drugs or alcohol, Brianne calls it ‘black and white.’ You know the substance is the problem so you work to avoid them forever. She calls sex and love addiction a progressive brain disease.

When she got her six-month chip, she went to In and Out Burger and the 16-year-old manning the drive through was visibly and audibly taken with her. She literally took his breath away. And that gave her the same shot up her arm as her first ‘hit’ in eighth grade. She felt tingly and on fire. She felt like she had control over this young boy. That’s when she knew she would be in this program, and working on her addiction, for the rest of her life.

She developed tools to manage her addiction, including meditation, prayer and being of service. She sees her podcast, Secret Life, as being of service. She wrote her book, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict book [affiliate link] as a way to be of service and make her journey accessible to others. She works on being grateful, even when things aren’t going her way.

She doesn’t ‘numb out’ on social media. She works to be present with anyone she’s with, even though it exhausts her. She knows she has to or, in a matter of months, she will be living in fantasy in her head,

looking for good reviews or bad reviews to ascribe her worth, whether it be her performance in a movie, a book review, a podcast review. She knows she has the capability of losing herself so easily.

There are still movies she can’t watch, including The Notebook and Moulin Rouge. There are songs she can’t listen to because they trigger her.

The Bane of Social Media

Brianne is grateful she grew up before the advent of social media, which fuels so many unrealistic expectations. She thinks, if it were around in her formative years, she might not be here now; it might have tortured her to death.

Sex and love addicts assign ‘magical qualities’ to others. They idealize and pursue people and then blame them for not fulfilling fantasies or expectations. Social media emphasizes all of that.

And while she uses social media professionally, she has very strict rules around it so she doesn’t get lost down a rabbit hole.

She was recently triggered by an unavailable friend on Instagram and she had to use some of her tools to get centered again. Now that she’s forty, she’s less likely to ignore these things anymore, wondering why she keeps going back to an unavailable person. She investigates her own motives, trying to figure out what she’s looking for from that person.

Lessons for Her Son

Brianne’s son is four and she does many things to protect him and his innocence. She doesn’t let him watch anything that’s too adult for him. She knows she saw love stories and porn too young and that affected how she viewed relationships. She sets lots of boundaries for her son.

She also understands that he’s his own person. She gets to teach him right from wrong. She’s begun teaching him about chores and allowance and money. She teaches him that not everyone will like him, and that's ok. She doesn’t deny him his feelings or his truth, but she sets boundaries around it.

There’s no iPad for her son. She knows how toxic and over stimulating the phone can be for her, so she doesn’t want her son to become dependent on it. She’s trying to protect his mind as long as possible.

She knows she will make mistakes and she admits her mistakes and apologizes to her son, something she wishes her parents had modeled for her. She believes taking accountability teaches accountability.

The Forty Drinks Podcast is produced and presented by Savoir Faire Marketing/Communications

Additional Resources

Brianne Davis website

Brianne’s Huffington Post article, March 2020

Secret Life podcast

Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict book

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

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