I Can't "Self-Care" Myself Out of This

The Mental Load

Telling moms to practice self-care is not an answer to the mental load.

What is the issue?

Telling moms to practice more self-care is a bullshit cop out.

Self care is defined as the ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being.

The term “self-care” actually has roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements of the 1960s and ’70s. (There’s a frequently shared quote by Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde—“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”)

Self-care is an estimated $10 billion industry with a large portion coming from the beauty sector

The ideas for self-care is different for women vs men

• Men are allowed to work hard and play hard
• Drinking beer and hanging with buddies, golf, lawn care, watching sports
• All very time consuming events
• Women must FIND the time to get self care
• Why is a hot shower marketed to women as self care? Hot showers should just be a given and a bare minimum.
• Commercialized self care only geared towards moms: beauty serums, exercise programs, “mommy makeover”
• We’re told “you deserve it” so it becomes something we are or not worthy of
• Leisure gap: Men spend roughly 3 more hours on leisure activities per week than women.

But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out.

What are the effects?

• Burn out - Constant pouring from an empty cup
• Resentment towards partner
• Fatigue, headaches, stomach issues, and heart disease.
• Low energy and less patience

How does this relate to the mental load?

• The coordination of our own self care – when, where, how
• One more freaking thing to manage.
• coordinating before we have to leave
• Logically we know this is best for us but actually stepping away makes us feel guilty
• Societal pressures to be everything to everyone.

But also - I don’t actually need self care. I need a partner who’s more switched on on a daily basis. Self care isn’t a break; it’s just delaying getting the stuff done we need to get done. I can’t take care of myself if I don’t trust my partner will seamlessly carry on without me.

How can we fix this?

• Self care can be viewed as a partner's responsibility.
• Change the narrative of self care as a health priority over an optional privilege.
• What is your self care?

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