212 - Two Hundred Twelve

Breaker Whiskey

[TRANSCRIPT]

[click, static]

Okay, Donnie is driving me crazy, in that way that he always had, that I guess I’d just forgotten in the years and the distance. And I just need to…

[click, static]

I needed a break.

I wonder if bull-headed people just draw in other bull-headed people. Like attracts like, right? Or maybe it’s simply a necessity of our profession. Or maybe we were drawn to criminal enterprises because we’re stubborn and immovable. Either way, it feels like every single person in my life—both back in the real world and here—is fucking…intractable.

We’re still not agreeing on the best approach. I’m—well, I’m obviously not going to say what the nature of the disagreement is. Whatever we end up doing, if we end up doing anything, I clearly can’t tell you until after its done. If then, even.

I will say, my need to speak my feelings and thoughts into my CB has definitely been tempered by finding Donnie. Sure, maybe I’m not as uncensored with him, but that has less to do with trust than with actually getting a response back. It is easier to say everything that comes into my head to a radio that doesn’t talk back. I trust Donnie with my life, would tell him practically anything he wants to know, but he has things to say to me, and it…I don’t know, it quiets everything in my brain.

Even if he is driving me up the fucking wall. I hadn’t realized how much I’ve been inoculated to Harry’s particular form of crazy-making behavior. Not that I was unbothered by her—that isn’t the case at all, that’s for fucking sure—but more that I eventually stopped immediately blowing my top when we’d get into a snit. But even sharing a space with a new person, the littlest things are irritating. Tripping over his shoes, having him yell “what?” when I’m talking to myself and he thinks I’m talking to him. Hearing him talk to himself and doing the same.

None of it…it’s not a problem. That’s not why I’m sitting in my car talking on this. The argument we had—it’s not about leaving your shoes out. I’m just. I guess I’m making an observation. About how ill-equipped I feel to be around other people, even when it’s all I want in this world.

It doesn’t dull the joy—the argument, the annoyances. I’m still on the top of the world. Just hearing his voice in the morning as he grumbles about waking up feels like the sun coming out after a storm. I might want to throttle him right now, but I still wouldn’t let him go for anything. And I think he feels the same way.

Anyway, I should get back to him. Signing off.

[click, static]